Gotham Season 2 (Revised Script)
by The-Riddler95
Summary: (Gotham episode parodies) The cast of Gotham is ready to start the table reading of their newest episode, but when a boy named Jack Kerr barges in with his new 'revised' script, the cast is forced to see what the insane boy wrote, at least until security arrives.
1. Probably Not the Last Laugh

**Please enjoy viewing an episode of Gotham through my weird, crazy eyes. You can read more of the adventures of Jack Kerr in The Secret Diaries of Alfred Pennyworth, also by me. To avoid a massive headache, please refrain from thinking too much about the implications of a character from a TV show meeting the cast of that TV show in real life. Please enjoy!**

The cast of Gotham sat at their tables, ready for their early script reading. The directors were nowhere to be found, and the reading couldn't start without them. The actors and actresses mingled among each other, bored. The nameplates in front of them read, "Ben Mckenzie, Donal Logue, Robin Lord Taylor, Cameron Monaghan, David Mazouz, Camren Bicondova..."

"What time is it?" Camren asked, checking her phone tiredly.

Sean shrugged. "Bruno and Danny were supposed to be here half an hour ago. Where are they?"

Ben's phone beeps, and he checked it for a text. "Oh, wait guys. I just got a text from Bruno. He says, 'Watch out, there's a crazy clown boy running down the hall, and-"

"Hello, cast of Gotham! It's a pleasure to meet you!" the boy shouts, making the whole room wince. "My name is Jack Kerr, and I'm here for the script reading!" he had spiky hair with green highlights, black street clothes with a tuxedo vest on, and a crazy grin.

"Who are you?" Erin asks.

"It's not who I am, it's who _you_ are!" Jack grins. "No, I lied. Who I am is very important. I'm the new script supervisor!"

"You're fifteen years old." Donal snorts, drinking from his complementary bottle of water.

Jack growls. "Quiet, Bullock. Or I'll kill you off in the next script. I'm the one who wrote this week's script! There was one before, but this one is so much better! Also, I've placed a bomb at the door that will go off unless you play along."

"That's a tape recorder."

"So, Jim. Let's start with you!"

Ben raises his hand. "Umm... my name's not Jim."

"Of course it is! They called you that on Gotham like a bazillion times."

"I only play Jim on Gotham. My name is Ben Mckenzie."

"Oh, sorry about that. I didn't realize they cut out the attitude parts. So, picture this..."

* * *

"Where's Jerome Valeska?!" Jim shouted, getting into the perp's face. He backed away, scared at what Jim and his partner had done to his friends. The broken glass lay shattered on the floor, and the moans of pain from outside the window made the perp shudder.

"I-I got no idea!"

"You believe him?" Jim growled at his partner sarcastically. Harvey shook his head with a growl, "Nope." And Jim brought his fist down on the perp's face. The perp fell over in pain, and held his hands up to defend himself.

"Wait, wait! I could help you! Y- You know, spread the word and stuff." He whimpered.

Jim shrugged. "Valeska killed a good friend of ours. Anyone helps him, anyone protects him, they go down too. Now go spread the word."

"No... NO!" he yelled, as Jim and Harvey propped him up next to the window, holding him there while Rebecca Black's song Friday blared over the radio. He screamed in agony as Jim and Harvey grinned, their earplugs saving them from the torture of Rebecca Black's voice. The perp struggled and writhed, finally escaping Jim's grip and going tumbling out the window and landing in the dumpster two stories below.

 **GOTHAM**

Tabitha Galavan pulled her boots up and loosened her combat boot straps, ready to go out into the field on her mission, when she heard footsteps. Barbara Kean crept closer and closer, with Tabitha's whip in hand.

"Need this?" she smirked, holding the whip up.

Not knowing what was happening, Tabitha lightly grabbed the whip. Barbara followed her touch, and soon, the two were kissing passionately and deeply.

Then, Aaron walked in. "Hey, Theo. I need to talk to you about-" he froze at the sight of his seductress kissing another woman. "Barbara? I thought you loved me."

A single tear dripped down his cheek, and he lumbered down the hall. Theo came down the hall, looking strangely at the crying Aaron Helzinger, while wheeling in his cart of various breakfast items.

"So glad to see you two are getting along." he said. "Jerome's outside. Try to keep him focused."

Tabitha glared at his sister, and walked down the hall. Out the window, there was insane laughter, and the sound of a tree toppling and a car alarmed. Theo sighed, "She didn't keep Jerome focused."

Barbara sighed, crashing on the couch. "So you're going to take over Gotham by unleashing a bunch of loonies. Awesome plan."

"I didn't hire you for your attitude, Barbara." Theo glared. "Besides, this is just phase one. My ancestors built Gotham. They carved the bedrock from which it stands, yet there is not a bridge, alley, or street that carries their name. I'm here to punish those who wronged us and take back this city."

Barbara was silent for a long time, until she finally said, "Right about now, any sane person would be running for their life. Good thing I'm a convict."

"You're going to love phase two. There's a starring role for you. When Jim Gordon has outlived his usefulness, I'm going to help you destroy him. Not kill him, destroy him. Body and soul."

"So... you're going to get him married?"

"If I didn't need you, I'd find you really annoying."

 **(OVERHEAD SHOT OF CITY)**

"Hey, Alvarez! Which one are you tracking down?" Jim scowled, walking through the precinct.

"Oh, should I be doing work? Because, I mean... we don't have a boss anymore."

"I'M THE BOSS!"

"Okay then, I'll start tracking down Helzinger. Whatever pays the bills. Wait, you're paying us, right?"

"JUST DO IT!"

Jim ran up the steps to find a rookie officer taking the police tape off of Essen's office. It was time to crush her spirit.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I-I thought-"

"That stays up until the investigation is over, are you stupid? Go sell that police badge and buy yourself a brain, idiot!"

"I liked our old boss better."

Jim stood on the balcony and stared down the entire GCPD with a death stare, yelling to all of them. "Sarah Essen and nine of your brothers were killed in this house. IN OUR HOUSE! Never forget that."

Alvarez raised his hand confused. "Who's Sarah Essen?"

It was a good thing Lee was behind Jim to stop him from jumping off the balcony and strangling Alvarez.

 **(OVERHEAD SHOT OF CITY)**

The Gotham Children's Hospital Gala. The entire place was full of lights and people in suits, getting ready for the magic show. Bruce walked in with his butler Alfred, still complaining about being there.

"This is a waste of time, Alfred." He whined, a stern face plastered on his head.

Alfred sighed. "Your parents were patrons of the children's hospital, and that makes you a patron. Besides, I heard there's going to be a magician. You like magicians, don't you?"

"No I don't. I hate magicians."

"You know, it's okay to be a little bit mirthful every once in a while."

"Seriously, they're so fake and loud, and they're so-"

"Alright, Master Bruce. I get it." Alfred growled, sad that Bruce had just spit on his childhood dreams of being a magician. Then, a woman came up to them. Alfred stopped and stared, his mouth gaping open. Her eyes was beautiful, and her skin was as fair as snow. Alfred had never seen anyone so beautiful.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Thompkins. I work with Jim. I saw you, and-"

"Oh yes." Bruce smiled. "It's very nice to meet you. This is my legal guardian, Alfred Pennyworth."

Alfred smiled stupidly, waving love stricken.

"How has Detective Gordon been since the attack on the precinct?" Bruce asked. "I feel like I should give him a call."

"He'd like that. But not right now, because he just tried to murder Detective Alvarez."

Bruce did a short fake laugh, and then his gaze shifted to the bar. This time, his mouth dropped open, and he sighed dreamily as his eyes landed on Selina Kyle, fluttering around the bar in a tight, cut-out black dress. His heart fluttered as Selina turned to face him, and slinked past the doorway out of his view.

"M-May I get you a drink?" Bruce asked, wanting an excuse to see Selina.

Lee shook her head. "No, I'm good, thanks."

"Water it is, I'll be right back." Bruce sighed, dashing through the room and chasing after Selina. That left the lovestruck Alfred by himself with Lee, and he got a chance to try out some of his smooth british moves.

* * *

David raised his hand. "Um, I think this is out of character for Bruce. I mean, shouldn't he at least find a feasible excuse to go to the bar?"

Jack turned his head. "Sorry, Bruce. Who's the script supervisor here?"

"My name is David. I only play Bruce in Gotham."

"Okay, then. Look!" Jack growled, as he grabbed James Frain's nameplate off the desk and stuck it onto his lapel. "Look, I'm James Frain. I'm a big shot Hollywood actor! See? I can use fake names too."

"It's not a fake name! It's my real name, and Bruce is my-"

"Okay, does anyone else have a problem with the script I wrote?"

Donal Logue raised his hand, confused. "Why did you scratch out my name on the script and write Haymitch Abernathy?"

Jack shrugged. "That's who you're playing, isn't it?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, I already used our budget and bought the rights to Haymitch from WB, so... this season's going to be about eight episodes shorter. So, let's get on with the script! Bruce, let's start with your line."

"MY NAME'S NOT BRU-"

* * *

"H-Hello, Selina." the billionaire stuttered as he meekly tapped Selina on the shoulder. "I-I didn't expect to see you here."

Unfortunately, Selina was right in the middle of lifting a wallet. Bruce's voice made the guy turn around, notice the little girl picking through his pockets, take his wallet back, and storm off. Selina sighed, "Okay, new rule. Not while I'm stealing stuff."

"Y-You do know this is a benefit for a children's hospital."

Selina sighed, "Yeah. So?"

"These people are all here for a good cause."

"Me eating is a good cause."

"But there's a table of free food and drinks right behind you."

"Me buying hair curlers and ice cream is also a good cause. Besides, didn't I steal something for you once?"

Bruce looked at the ground. "Selina, that was different."

"No, I meant when I stole Tommy Elliot's door keys so we could watch him try to climb through the window of his house."

"Touché."

The two were silent for a while until Bruce broke the silence. "Alfred says there's going to be a magician."

Selina sighed, "I'm working. And I hate magicians. See you around, Bruce."

She brushed past his shoulder walking past him, and Bruce froze in his spot, his hand coming up to where Selina touched him. He thought, _oh my god. She hates magicians too. We have so much in common._

Meanwhile, back with Lee and Alfred, Alfred had been entertaining Lee with his war stories. He was doing well until he said, "You have the most beautiful eyes." And Lee realized where he was going.

"I-I mean... wow. But I..."

Just then, Bruce walked in to ruin the moment, tapping Alfred on the shoulder to get his attention. "Alfred, I'd like to leave."

Alfred silently screamed in frustration that Bruce was ruining his moment with Lee. His mouth said, "What about Dr. Thompkins' water?" but his eyes said, "You get the hell out of here, I'm having a moment."

Bruce turned to Lee. "I'm sorry, I must have forgotten your water. I'd still like to leave."

In his mind, Alfred was ready to throw Bruce across the room, but he didn't have to since a man walked up to Lee and whispered something in her ear. She murmured, "Is it time? I roped myself into emcee duties for the night. I hope you'll stay for the show."

"We wouldn't miss it for the world." Alfred said, before Bruce could say his very different answer. Bruce was then forced to face the stage, glaring at Alfred, who smiled at Lee much more happily.

Lee made her way up to the stage and got the audience's attention. "My name is Dr. Lee Thompkins. For years, we've had various magicians come and entertain our kids, and tonight, we have one of those magicians here for you. I'd like to present... the Great Rodolfo!"

A magician with a fake red beard and a top hat came onstage alongside his assistant, a woman in a pink dress. He faced the audience with open arms, announcing, "Yes, I am indeed the Great Rodolfo! Please ogle my lovely assistant!"

Rodolfo began his laughably cliché magic routine, making a flower and a dove appear out of a handkerchief, and pulling out a human sized box, strangely the height and width of a fourteen year old boy. "For my first act, I'll require a volunteer. Let's see... duck, duck, duck, duck, duck..." he covered his eyes and pointed around the audience, his finger finally landing on Bruce. "Goose."

A spotlight landed on Bruce, and he looked around the room to find everyone looking at him. His eyes went to Selina, smirking slightly and twitching her head to the magician. Bruce shot her a sarcastic glare. Rodolfo's assistant came down and held out her hand to Bruce.

"Go on, Master Bruce." Alfred nudged him, still trying to impress Lee. "Don't keep them waiting."

Bruce thought for a while, looking to Selina and making her outright laugh. Finally, Selina used a cough to hide the word, "Loser," and Bruce held out his hand. Rodolfo's assistant led him up the stage and onto a stool, where he took his shoes off and started to get into the body box. Rodolfo started to close it around him.

"Does this handsome young gentleman have a name?" Rodolfo asked.

"His name's Bruce Wayne!" Selina shouted, making Bruce glare at her.

Rodolfo laughed. "Well, Bruce? This won't hurt a bit. Is there a doctor in the house?" With that, he took the two saws, lined them up with the middle of the box, and pushed them down.

* * *

At the reading table, James Frain noticed Robin looking down and typing into his phone. "Robin, what are you doing?" he whispered.

Robin leaned in and whispered, "What do you think? I'm calling Security on this little creep."

"Hey, Penguin!" Jack yelled, nearly making Robin drop his phone in shock. "No texting during script readings!"

"Yes, sir." Robin said. "And, my name's not Penguin. It's Robin. Robin Lord Taylor."

"Oh, you changed it?"

"I didn't change it, Robin is my-" Robin stopped and sighed. He decided there was no point correcting the little maniac. "Yes. I changed my name to Robin."

"Hmmm. I don't like it. Change it back to Penguin, or you're fired." Jack grinned.

"Yes, sir. My name is Penguin now."

Jack laughed with glee and continued reading his revised script while Robin secretly texted security.

* * *

Jim walked through the locker room at the precinct alongside Bullock, trying to ignore his suggestions.

"Jim, I'm telling you. We can chuck mopes out of windows until the cows come home, but at some point, we've got to go see Penguin."

"Why would he break Jerome out of Arkham?" Jim growled, getting his coat out of his locker.

"He wouldn't but he's got his ear to the ground, he'll know what's up."

"I'll think about it."

"Gotham is under his control, no one does anything without him knowing about it."

"I'll think about it!"

"The cops here are calling you two Gobblepot."

"WHAT?!"

Jim's phone rang, and he answered it, "What is it?"

"Hey, Jim. It's Lee." said Leslie on the phone. "Listen, I have to ask you something. You know Bruce Wayne?"

"Yeah."

Lee laughed, "Yeah, so... how mad would you be if I went to Chez Parnes with his butler?"

"WHAT?!"

"It is seriously not your day." Bullock smirked.

 **(YET ANOTHER OVERHEAD SHOT OF CITY)**

Rodolfo triumphantly removed the two halves of the box, revealing the bloodless saws and Bruce's still very alive halves. Rodolfo whispered to him, "Wave for the audience."

Bruce waved as the audience clapped in awe. Rodolfo grinned, putting the two box halves together. He opened the top and Bruce climbed out in one piece, brushing himself off and walking back to Alfred. Selina smirked at him, making him blush a bit.

"See, not only have I just sawed Bruce in half," Rodolfo grinned, "I have also made his wallet magically disappear!"

Bruce's eyes widened as he realized his wallet was gone, and Rodolfo called up the next volunteer. "For my next act, I'd like to call up esteemed deputy mayor, Harrison Kane!"

Deputy Mayor Kane stepped up to the stage happily, the audience wondering what Rodolfo was going to do. Rodolfo's assistant lifted a sheet to reveal a selection of knives, and Rodolfo picked one up. "By the way, no one here... is getting out alive."

The audience laughed, and Jerome threw the knife. The audience kept laughing, and Jerome turned to face Kane and found out the knife had landed in the wall behind him. Jerome growled, and threw another knife, missing again. Jerome threw one more knife, this one just barely missing Kane's head.

"Okay, I can't deal with this. Barbara, can you just-"

Barbara nodded, and hit Kane over the head with her hammer. The audience burst into panic, and henchmen with guns shot off everywhere. Alfred pulled Bruce away towards the door, but a henchman got in the way. Alfred went all 007 on him, and Bruce looked at him in panic. Then, his eyes turned to Selina. She was running away.

"Selina!" Bruce yelled, running after her.

"Bruce!" Alfred yelled, still punching the henchman in the face.

 **(ANOTHER FREAKING OVERHEAD SHOT OF CITY)**

Jim had just arrived on the scene, getting out of the car and meeting the policemen outside the hall.

"What's going on in there?" he asked.

The cop said, "Hostage situation. The magician just killed the deputy mayor."

Jim sighed with realization. "It's Jerome Valeska, same man that killed the commissioner. Who's in charge here?"

"I guess you are."

Jim's phone rang, and the caller ID said Leslie Thompkins. He picked it up and said, "Lee, thank god. Are you-"

"Sorry, Jimbo. It's just little old me. HA HA HA AHAAAAA HAAAAA!"

Jim growled at Jerome. "You son a bitch, where's Lee?"

"Relax, we haven't hurt a hair on your girlfriend's pretty head. See for yourself. This _is_ live television after all! HA AHA HAAAA HAA HHHAAAAAA HAA! HOOOOOOO!"

Jim's eyes went to the news van, where the crew were worrying about their lost signal. The signal came back, and Jerome's face was on the screen, along with Lee tied to a wheel.

"Jerome?" Jim asked. "Why do you have a beard?"

"I used too much glue, okay?" Jerome growled, tugging at his fake beard. "Anyway, let's talk about what I want. My dry cleaning from Mr. Chang's, a pony, a helicopter, obviously, and... FOURTY SEVEN DOLLARS!"

Barbara came into the screen, giving the script to Jerome and letting him read it over again. "I mean FOURTY SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS! You have ten minutes before I start killing people. Remember, this is being broadcast to every home in Gotham, so... don't let people die. Bye! HAAAA HA AHAAAA HAAAAA HAAAAAAHAA HAAAAAA! I think that went well."

"Stop!" A voice said from off screen. Jerome's camera panned down to reveal a man with elf ears walking up to the stage. "It may be presumptuous to speak on behalf of all of Gotham, but we are sick of you! You're just a sad man with a pathetic need for attention. For god's sakes, man. Enough."

"Hey, dude!" a businessman whispered, cowering on the floor. "The show's over. Get down!"

"This is no show." Theo said. "This is real life."

"But then why are you talking like a bad actor?"

"I assure you, I am not an actor."

"But your acting is so bad."

"I am standing up to these psychopaths!"

"You're literally reading off a teleprompter!"

The man controlling the teleprompter in the back of the room hid below his desk, and Theo sighed in shame. Jerome gave up trying to be theatrical, and just buried his face in his hands, motioning to Barbara. Barbara grabbed her hammer and hit Theo over the head, knocking him unconscious.

Meanwhile, in the cellar of the theater, Selina lead Bruce down a flight of stairs away from the chaos and through a secret hall.

"I used this to sneak into the party." Selina said. "We're lucky those dummies don't know about it."

"Selina, wait!" Bruce said, grabbing her arm. "I have to go back."

Selina slapped her forehead. "Are you crazy? That guy was killing people!"

"Yes, and Alfred's back there."

Selina was about to leave when Bruce held her back, saying, "Selina? I miss you. I just wanted to say that."

"I miss you too." Selina sighed. With that, Bruce and Selina embraced each other with a heated kiss with gunshots and explosions in the background, the wind flowing through each other's hair and their hands caressing each other, and all Selina could think was, _man, I miss being taller than this kid._

* * *

"Umm, Jack or whatever your name is?" Camren raised her hand.

Jack turned his head in the middle of a sinister grin. "Yes, Cat?"

Camren knew there was no point in correcting him. "We're in a basement in this scene, right?"

"Yes, congratulations! You know how to read."

"Yeah, so why would there be... gunshots, explosions in the background, and wind flowing through our hair?"

Jack sighed tiredly. "Oh yeah, you're right. Your hair is tied up in that scene. Oh well, we can ditch the hair ties. There was going to be a bonus scene where Penguin is doing your hair and Butch is shopping for your dress, but plot is more important."

James leaned in to Robin and whispered, "When is security going to be here?"

"Apparently, this kid brought henchmen!" Robin whispered. "They tied up the guards!"

"So we're trapped here?"

"I think we are."

The two Gotham actors started to silently cry as the crazy clown boy continued reading his revised script and forcing the cast to read along.

* * *

Jerome cocked his gun up, aimed it, and hissed, "Hold very still." He lowered his gun mockingly from the apple on his panicking target's head, to the man's nose, then down to his neck, his chest, and lower still.

"Ah, I can't look!" Jerome whimpered, sarcastically. "Someone tell me how it turns out." He covered his eyes and looked away, and everyone watched as he pulled the trigger. A small jet of water shot out of the gun, giving the man the appearance that he peed his pants.

"Damn!" Jerome growled, slamming his water gun on the table. "No, I'm kidding. That's exactly what I wanted to happen. HAAAA HA HA HAAAAA HAAAA HAAAAAAAA!"

The man went to go sit down, and Jerome started rambling on. Behind him, Barbara turned to Lee tied up on the wheel and smirked. "So, Lee. How's Jim? I hope he isn't too sad about this whole 'Essen being killed' thing."

"You are one crazy bitch." Lee snarled.

Barbara grinned, "So rude. Hey, want to hear a song?" she pressed a button on the wheel, making Lee spin on the wheel. Barbara then turned on the radio and started singing, "You spin me right 'round baby, right 'round like a record baby, 'round, 'round, 'round,"

"Yeah, Dead or Alive is my jam!" One audience member cheered, before remembering where he was and shrunk back into his seat.

Jerome shrugged. "Anyway, time for tonight's first official victim. Poor, rich boy, parents murdered in an alley, Bruce Wayne! You'd think something like that would traumatize a boy into buying weird clothes, fast cars, and fancy gadgets or something, HAA!"

Behind a curtain in the back, out of view of Jerome, Bruce had just come up from the basement and was staring scared at Jerome calling his name. Just then, a hand grabbed his shoulder, and his head darted back to look at Jim Gordon, staring assuringly at him.

"Detective Gordon?" Bruce whispered. "How did you get in here?"

 **FIVE MINUTES AGO...**

Selina made her way outside, and her eyes met a furious Jim Gordon's.

"Hey, Jim." Selina grinned.

"Don't act innocent, you tried to murder me last time we met!"

"I don't remember that."

"You literally asked your boss, 'How are you going to kill them?'"

"Well, somebody likes the blame game."

Jim sighed, slapping his forehead. "Why are you even here?"

Selina looked back and sighed. "I know how to get into the party. But first... give me fifty bucks."

"Fifty bucks?"

"A hundred, since you like giving me attitude."

"SELINA!"

"People are dying in there. You got cash, or are you going to write a cheque?"

 **FOUR MINUTES AND TWENTY SECONDS AFTER THAT...**

"It's you they want, Bruce." Jim said. "Just you."

"Why would that make me feel better?" Bruce asked, and Jim growled. He handed Bruce a gun, and he hid it in his pocket.

"I'm right behind you, Bruce." Jim said.

Bruce took a deep breath. "Wait, why didn't you just like shoot up the stage where Jerome was standing from below him in the basement?"

"Because all the cops that are helping me are A BUNCH OF COWARDLY AND SELFISH-"

Jim was yelling loud enough for one of Jerome's henchmen to pull back the curtain, so everyone could see them. Jerome grinned, aiming his gun at Jim and Bruce. "Well, if it isn't my lucky day. I get to off my dad, an annoying cop with anger issues, and a billionaire with amazing hair all in the same day! Barbara, light my birthday candles. It's a special day."

The entire room froze as Jerome cocked his gun, aimed it straight, laughed a sickly, scraping cackle, and Bruce prepared to meet his parents again. No one knew what to do, and not a soul breathed as Jerome pulled the trigger, and a small jet of water spurted out and hit the ground three feet in front of Jerome.

"Well, this is awkward." Jerome whispered, pulling at his collar. "I really should label these things. Hey, Barbara. You got some tape and a sharpie? Just one moment folks, I'm so sorry."

Jim used the delay to run up to the stage and punch Jerome right in the jaw, knocking him onto the floor.

"HAAAA HAAA AHAAAAA HAAAA! Looks like you still got some fight in you! Let's see how long that'll last. HOOOOO!"

Jerome put up his fists. Just at that moment, the wooden stage below him smoked, and just exploded with a burst of wood and smoke. Jerome fell through the floor and landed on his head, unconscious. Jim looked down the hole that Jerome fell into, and noticed a waving Selina Kyle.

"See, this is what a _smart_ cop would've done." she smirked. "I spent your fifty bucks on a mini-bomb."

"Where did you get a mini-bomb for fifty bucks?"

"We live in Gotham, dude. You can find an assassin in the phonebook under A."

Behind Jim, Theo Galavan was standing up, holding a knife in his hand and ready to strike when all eyes landed on him. He quickly hid the knife behind his back and said, "Well, look at that! That little girl saved the day. Bravo!"

Theo Galavan was then promptly sent to jail for attempted murder, and then was sent to Arkham Asylum. He kept spouting some random crazy talk about wreaking revenge on the city and punishing the citizens. Barbara had escaped through a secret trapdoor in the floor, but was stopped by Selina, who was still in the basement. Barbara was also sent to Arkham. Jerome, who had survived the fall, was too dangerous to send back to Arkham. Instead, they attached him to the giant wheel and spun him around, while the entire cast started singing, "You spin me right 'round baby, right 'round baby, 'round like a record baby, 'round and 'round," there was a really cute BatCat kiss at the end, too. Alfred went to Chez Parnes with Lee, but his date was ruined by Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle.

In related news, because of her extraordinary act of bravery in defeating Jerome, Selina Kyle was elected new mayor of Gotham. She made Bruce Wayne her deputy mayor and did a bunch of really irresponsible things to the city that were also hilarious. In Arkham, Barbara and Theo started dating, and the entire Arkham staff started calling them Barbavan. Finally, Detective Bullock used his retirement money to pay for all the windows he broke in the beginning, and decided to become a monk in the countryside with Falcone. The End.

Also, that magician that Jerome tied up and traded clothes with? Yeah, he was never found. About two weeks later, someone from inventory finally opened the chest, and the magician came out with a new sense of life and purpose, going to Africa to help the needy.

 **(GOTHAM)**

* * *

"So... what did you guys think?" Jack asked, waiting for applause that would never come.

No one said anything. Everyone was still in shock of how ridiculously bad the script was.

Finally, Donal raised his hand.

"Yes, Bullock?" Jack asked.

"Why am I a monk at the end?"

Jack growled, "Nostalgia! Symbolism! The meaning of life!"

Then, Cameron raised his hand.

"What is it, Jerome?"

"My character. He doesn't die at the end."

"I know." Jack said. "Everyone loves Jerome! Can you imagine if you died? There'd the public outcry!"

"But my contract expired after this episode. I'm not licensed to do any more episodes."

"Good thing I renewed your contract for the next thirty years! Now, who's ready to shoot this episode?"

Then, a group of security members kicked down the door with their shotguns loaded. One pointed at Jack and said, "We finally have you!"

Jack grinned. "Sorry, folks. I've got to run. Have fun shooting this episode, I can't wait to see my vision become reality on screen! Also, I've replaced some of your stunt guns with real guns, so shooting your stunts is going to be a hoot! Until next time..." Jack laughed, and he jumped out the window, disappearing from sight. The security team chased him down the hall and onto the street, but they never caught him.

The cast of Gotham sat at their table, all trying to process what just happened. Erin finally said, "Where are Bruno and Danny?"


	2. The Jimpire Strikes Back

**New Strike Force parody! I wasn't going to write another one originally, but I got some really good ideas for this one. I'm not going to make a parody of every episode, just the ones I have ideas for. This one introduces Harley Quinzel, another character from 'The Secret Diaries of Alfred Pennyworth.' Check it out if you want to read more of her and Jack's adventures!**

The cast of FOX's Gotham sat at the reading table, ready to read over their newest script for the next episode of their hit television series. Even more than that, however, they were ready to welcome their newest cast members, Michael Chiklis playing Nathaniel Barnes, and Natalie Alyn Lind as Silver St. Cloud. It would be their first table reading, and nothing could go wrong. Just to make sure, they tripled security and put locks on all the doors. The cast was still pretty shaken from the incident a while ago.

Michael shook hands with Ben, and Natalie seated herself at the table.

"It's a pleasure to meet you." Michael said with a warm smile.

Ben smiled back. "I can't wait to work with you. I'm sorry I can't introduce you to Bruno and Danny, but they aren't here yet. I don't know where they-"

"Hello, Cast of Gotham!" a voice said, with maniacal laughter following. The cast gazed in awe and a tinge of fear at Jack, the boy from last incident, except this time, he brought a friend. A fourteen year old girl skipped in beside him. The girl had blonde pigtails and shared his crazed grin, dressed in a small black and red skirt with a diamond necklace around her neck.

"How did you get through security?" Donal asked, backing away a bit. Perhaps if he was slow enough, he could sneak out the window.

Jack boomed, "It doesn't matter. What matters is that I noticed that you people didn't produce the script I wrote. I watched episode three on TV, and it was the original script! Well, I already got paid for the script, so I guess I just had to write another one!" The boy and his henchgirl threw a few books at the cast, with the title 'Strike Force JUSTICE LEAGUE' written on them. That wasn't good.

"Isn't it nifty?" Harley asked. "And you're going to read it, or I'm going to blow up this entire place with this remote!"

"That's a flashlight."

"So, let's start with Penguin's line!"

* * *

In Penguin's headquarters, the crime bosses and businessmen of Gotham sat at a table, bickering amongst each other, none of them having any idea knowing what to do until Oswald Cobblepot cocked his shotgun up and made a few holes in the ceiling.

"Gentlemen! Ladies! Others! I'm looking at you, Frank!" he yelled, glaring at a henchperson whose gender no one could decipher. "Let's discuss the future with a little civility, shall we?"

"Why?" a man with a Mohawk asked.

Penguin glared at him. "Because this is a classy business!"

"Well, we're all dressed like hookers and wannabe DJ's, and you just shot the ceiling, so..."

"I WILL SHOOT YOU SO HARD, THE BULLET WITH GO IN YOUR MOUTH, BOUNCE OFF YOUR UVULA, BOUNCE OFF YOUR BRAIN, SHOOT OUT OF YOUR EYEBALL, AND LAND BACK IN MY GUN!"

"Okay, I'm just saying."

Penguin sighed and started walking back to his seat at the end of the table. "This city belongs to us know, but that comes with responsibility. I know one of you was behind the Arkham breakout, but none of you are talking, so who was it?"

A henchman raised their hand. "We thought it was you."

Penguin slapped his forehead. "If it was me, why would I ask you about it? Now go sit in the corner!"

"I don't want to-"

"That is it!" Penguin picked up a glass of lemon juice and threw it in the henchman's face. The henchman rubbed his burning eyes and whimpered, going to go sit in the corner. The rest of the henchmen filed out of the room, and Penguin sat down to massage his temples.

"Are you okay, Boss?" Butch asked.

Penguin sighed, "Where's Selina? She's my pet cat and she's officially the smartest person here."

"I don't know. She said she was going to visit her... boyfriend or something."

"And you let her?"

"Hey, I'm not made of stone. I can't deny young love."

Penguin slumped down on the table, wondering why everyone was so stupid, when a woman walked through the door.

"Who are you?" Penguin asked.

The woman glared, "Theo Galavan needs to see you. Also, the fact that your pet cat has a date and you don't is kind of sad."

"There is a rifle right over there!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Theo, his back turned, heard Butch and Penguin come through the door. "Ah, Mr. Cobblepot! I've been expecting you."

Penguin snorted, "Yes, I'm sure you- WHOA! EARS!" Penguin jerked back when Theo turned around, letting Penguin see his elf ears. Penguin tried to regain his composure, brushing himself off. "Why have you called me here?"

Theo then explained his long and complicated plan about destroying Gotham by killing mayoral candidates while his sister fell asleep a bit. Penguin then shook his head. "Sorry, I'm not your man. You need an assassin. You can find them in the phonebook under A."

"You can't spell assassin without ass." Tabitha snorted, crossing her arms.

Theo held Penguin back. "Just wait. Let me show you my sister's new favorite reality show. She's addicted!"

Tabitha held up the TV remote and turned on the TV, to show Penguin the image of some random lady locked in a bedroom. Penguin looked confused. "Who is that?"

"That's your mother, right?"

"No."

 **ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO...**

"Let's go to the charity ball, Butch!" Penguin said.

"Okay, Boss." Butch sighed.

"Ooh, and let's bring Mother!"

"I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, you're the king of Gotham. If people knew she was your mom, she could be in serious danger."

"Oh, good point. I'd better bring another random lady and say she's my mother. Good idea, Butch. Also, go and find a little girl for me. I need a pet. Preferably one that looks like a cat, I don't like dog girls."

 **BACK TO THE PRESENT...**

Theo slapped his forehead. Penguin started to leave, and Theo was powerless to hold him back. Then, his sister reminded him of the other thing she had found out. Penguin was a huge Frozen fan. Theo sighed, having his only option laid out for him, and then he started singing, to the tune of 'Do You Wanna Build A Snowman,'

"Do you wanna destroy Gotham?

It's the worst city in the world,

I'd use a bomb, but I'm trying to

Think of a plan to

Kill Bruce Waaaaaaaaaayyyyyynnnnneeee!"

Penguin stopped in his tracks. That was his favorite song from Frozen. He couldn't resist. He had to sing along.

"It gets a little lonely

Being a crime king

And watching the hours tick byyyyyyyyy!"

The two men made simultaneous ticking noises.

"Do you want to destroy Gotham?

We don't even have to use a bomb."

Penguin sang the last line alone. "I'm on booooaaardddddd."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"I'm sick of all your holier-than-thou crap, Gordon!" a detective yelled.

Jim growled, "Yeah, then how about you do some work?"

A chair broke, gaining the attention of the precinct. A detective yelled to the man who broke the chair, "You're going to have to pay for that!"

The bald man growled and shouted, "Atten-hut!"

All the cops stood up, except for Bullock, who was drunk. He just fell over.

Barnes paced around the room, looking at the sad excuse for a police force that stood before him. "Your boss and nine of your brothers were killed in this house. Are you ashamed? I wasn't even here and I'm ashamed. Those of you who aren't ashamed are welcome to leave right now. Some of you are lying to yourselves."

Barnes called up some names, and the cops stood before him, slight fear in their eyes.

"You people are not cops. Drug selling, murder, racketeering, arson? You're all fired! From now on, no one gets a free pass!"

One of the cops he fired raised their hand and whimpered, "Does that mean we can arrest you?"

"Arrest me? What for?!"

"Well, you broke in here and broke a chair. That's vandalism, and you could get a fine of 30 thousand dollars and two months in jail depending on the crime."

Barnes nodded. "You're re-hired. I like your attitude. Not a fan of the back-talk, but I like your style. Everyone else, get back to work!"

 **(GOTHAM)**

Lee Thompkins woke up in the middle of the night, groaning and picking up the ringing phone.

"Hello?" she said.

It was Captain Barnes. "Dr. Thompkins. Get ready, I'm going to be sending you a lot of dead bad guys."

"I don't think that's the right attitude for a police captain."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, shouldn't you be arresting the bad guys? Because you seem pretty interested in killing them."

"Just put Jim on the phone."

Lee rolled over in her bed and handed the phone to Jim. He was still sleeping, so Lee had to hit him on the forehead with the phone. Even then, Jim was still muttering in his sleep, "No, Penguin! I will not go out with you!"

Lee finally woke up Jim, and he grabbed the phone. Captain Barnes said, "Jim, come to the old academy at 007, I need to talk to you."

"Okay, but how did you-"

"These detectives may be corrupt, but they're still detectives. Everyone knows you're banging the ME."

* * *

Robin raised his hand again, and Jack called on him. "Yes, Mr. Penguin?"

"How are you even here?" Robin asked. "We tripled security since last time."

Harley jumped up and hugged her insane boyfriend. "Because my Puddin's special!"

Jack shrugged. "Also, I have a taser. So, any other issues?"

Camren raised her hand. "I have a question, why does-"

"Good, no questions! Now let's see, where were we?"

* * *

"Littlefield! Pinkney! Josie! Garret! Ummm... that one!" Jim called, as the GCPD's new Alpha unit lined up, ready to accept their new jobs.

Barnes smiled. "As of right now, you are now unit Alpha of the GCPD Avengers!"

They were silent, until Officer Garret said, "That's a terrible name."

"How about the X-men?" Barnes asked.

"Nope."

"Strike Team."

"Not even close."

"Fantastic Four."

"There are seven of us."

"Too bad, I kind of liked that one."

Jim jumped in with a suggestion. "How about the Strike Force?"

The team nodded in acceptance, and Barnes smiled. "Welcome to the new GCPD Strike Force!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Theo Galavan stood at a podium in front of city hall, accepting his medal for Valor and Bravery, since he stabbed a maniac in the neck and saved Bruce Wayne's life. Bruce Wayne was going to be there, but he was too busy being snooty and stoic. Theo took the medal from a man and put it around his neck with a chuckle. Then, one of the paparazzi raised their hands. "Mr. Galavan, why aren't you running for mayor?"

"Well, I..." Theo said, with a very long pause as he looked over at the empty street. "Well, I think..."

"Mr. Galavan, are you looking for something?" a camera man asked.

Theo sighed. "I don't know, but I certainly wouldn't expect a guy with a gun in a car right now..."

There was an awkward silence, and a paparazzi asked, "What's wrong with your ears?"

"There's nothing wrong with-"

Just then, a masked man in a car came driving by, shooting a gun at the crowd. Everyone ducked down, and no one died. Theo took a deep breath and said, "You know what? If the bad guys want me to stop running for mayor, I guess I've got no choice. I _will_ run for mayor."

Everyone cheered, and then one person asked, "So no cops are going to chase after that guy?"

"Apparently not."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

A scrawny short man who walked like a penguin and a big man who seemed to be his henchman walked into Janice Caulfield's Office, and even though everyone in Gotham knew who Oswald Cobblepot and Butch Gilzean were, no one really made that connection.

Penguin was wearing a mask, and said something that sounded like, "Mmmfffhhh, Mmmmhhuu mmmaii mmmmeeeerrrr"

"You have hair?" Butch asked.

Penguin shook his head. "Mmmhhuuu mmmai mmmeeer"

"Who's a bear?"

Penguin just ripped off his mask in front of the witnesses. "I said, Butch, you stay here."

Butch nodded, and Penguin limped into Janice Caulfield's private office, holding a knife. Butch held the witnesses back, as they watched their boss being stabbed through the window. Then, Penguin walked out with blood smeared on his forehead and said, "Butch, let's go."

Butch turned to the witnesses. "Remember. We have your names and addresses, so don't give us up. Remember, blue skies and cornfields."

 **(VIDEO OF PENGUIN AND THEO PLAYING JUST DANCE. HA HA, KIDDING. SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Alfred circled around the car to get to Bruce, who was walking from the school in his uniform, books in hand. Alfred took Bruce's knapsack and said, "Ah, Master Bruce! You know, I can always pull up front."

Bruce shook his head, looking at the ground. "It's okay. I just..."

"You don't want the other kids to know you have a butler." Alfred nodded understandingly. Bruce didn't want to say his butler was correct. Instead, he just started to the back of the limo.

"Uh, where are you going, Master Bruce?" Alfred asked.

Bruce stopped in his tracks, not knowing what was happening. Then, Alfred handed him some running shoes.

"Now, I clocked Wayne Manor at exactly six and a half miles. It should take you ninety minutes to two hours to get there, depending on how many times you stop." Alfred threw Bruce's knapsack into the car and started to get in.

Bruce stood, confused. "Y-You expect me to- to walk?"

"No, Master Bruce." Alfred smiled. "I expect you to run."

"But there are still maniacs from the Arkham breakout on the loose!"

"I suppose you'll just have to fight them off."

"There's a huge wall in front of the school!"

"You know how to climb, don't you?"

"So, you drove six and a half miles all the way out here just to give me shoes and drive off into the sunset and leave me here?"

"It's called tough love, Master Bruce. See you at home two hours later!" And with that, Alfred got into the car, started the gas, and drove off into the distance, leaving a dumbfounded Bruce standing in the middle of the street, his jaw dropped wide. Suddenly, a finger tapped his shoulder, and he turned around to see Selina Kyle standing behind him.

"Selina? What are you doing here?" Bruce asked.

Selina shrugged. "Eh, I was bored. I was going to pay your butler a visit, but then I figured, 'What's the point?'"

Bruce nodded. "But, I should get home. I only have two hours before Alfred gets worried."

Selina grinned at her boyfriend's naiveté and pulled him to the side. They were standing at a grove of trees behind the school, and Selina pushed one of the bushes to the side so Bruce could see through the garden. He could see Wayne manor over the field, about a quarter mile away.

"It's a shortcut." Selina smiled. "Your butler can train you, but I know the streets. So, that's about a ten minute walk, and your butler is expecting you in two hours, so that gives us about a hundred and five minutes to do whatever we want. Want to try something fun?"

Bruce then put his books down and lay down on the grass with his shirt up so Selina could blow on his belly.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Okay, what has millions of teeth and draws in beautiful women? My pants zipper." Ed grinned, talking to his imaginary friend, Evil Ed. He was practising lines to ask out Kristen Kringle with.

"Wow." Evil Ed gasped. "You know, I always believed that if you put something on a scale of one to ten, you should pick one to ten and not cheat and say 'a billion' or 'negative ten' or something. But, I just can't bring myself to give you a one. Right now, you are a negative ten."

Ed sighed. "Well, how am I supposed to ask Miss Kringle out?"

"Okay, first off? Stop calling her Miss Kringle. Her name is Kristen."

"Okay."

"No, seriously. Every time you call her Miss Kringle, just take that lamp and smack it over your head. I honestly can't believe I have to live with you."

"You don't have to be mean."

Evil Ed sighed, wanting to kill himself with the saw on the table, but knowing that if he tried, it would just pass through his imaginary head. "Okay, just tell Kristen that you want dinner with her. Be confident."

Ed took a deep breath and started. "Would you like dinner with me, Miss Kringle?"

"GAH, YOU CALLED HER MISS KRINGLE AGAIN!" Evil Ed screamed and jumped on Ed to start strangling him.

Bullock just walked into the records annex to find Ed rolling around on the ground, losing a fight against his imaginary friend.

* * *

Jack jumped around with glee with Harley, while the cast dumbfoundedly read their scripts. Jack was about to go on when he noticed Camren texting someone.

"Hey, Cat!" Jack yelled, nearly making Camren drop her phone. "No texting during table readings!"

"Sorry, it won't happen again." Camren said, so Jack would look away. When he did, she turned her phone back on and continued texting security.

* * *

Alfred went back down to the main floor of the restaurant, leaving Bruce alone with Theo at a table. Some waiters brought them their food, and Bruce paid the bill. He didn't go out much, but he had to thank Theo for saving his life.

"You like this place?" Theo asked.

Bruce smiled. "It's the first time I've been here. I-I don't go out much."

"Well, we could change that. I could always find some tedious function to drag you to."

Bruce nodded, and started eating his soup. Wanting to strike up a conversation, Theo asked, "Isn't it shocking that in all this time, the police have failed to advance the investigation of your parent's demise?"

"Yeah. Detective Gordon apologized to me like four times, but still never got anywhere with it."

"Remind me not to lend money to that guy."

"Noted." Bruce smiled, and his eyes wandered to the scenery outside the window. What he saw made him freeze in his seat, his mouth gaping open and his eyes dreamily glazing over. Theo smirked at his reaction, and knew exactly what he was seeing.

"That's Silver." Theo said.

Bruce shook out of his daze. "Pardon?"

"Silver St. Cloud. Her father was my brother. She's my ward now. Would you like to meet her?"

Bruce was silent until Theo was going to ask again. Bruce asked, "Is her leg supposed to bend that way?"

Theo looked out the window confused, and he saw a girl in a black leather jacket and ripped jeans, dipping his 'ward' into the fountain water and yelling something. Bruce and Theo ran down as fast as they could and out the door to see what was happening.

"Selina, what are you doing?" Bruce asked.

Selina sighed, not stopping her harassment of Silver. "I'm trying to wash off this girl's stupid blonde hair dye!"

Silver got up and tried to dry herself off. "This is my natural hair color!"

"Oh, really? It looks about as real as your boobs."

Theo stepped between the girls, trying to hold his niece back. "Girls, what's wrong here?"

Selina brushed herself off and took a deep breath. "Well, the GCPD has a new captain, and there are no longer any free passes for anyone in Gotham."

"I was just splashing around in the fountain." Silver said. "That's not a crime."

"It is if you're over five!" Selina growled, starting to walk off, but bumping into Bruce. "Oh, hey kiddo. Come on, I just stole some new bikinis, and I have no one to tell me how hot I look in them."

Bruce happily ran after the girl out onto the street and disappearing into the trees, leaving a disappointed Theo standing with his very wet niece.

"I told you, you were supposed to stand here and look hot." he said.

"I thought I was."

"What teenage boy finds a girl splashing in a fountain hot?! Well, come on. Let's follow them. What size bikini do you wear?"

"Uncle, I think you're taking this too far."

"I've been planning this for three hundred years! Now I'm going to stay here and entertain the butler. You go find Bruce, stuff these napkins in your bra, and make eye contact with his belt buckle."

 **(GIVE ME AN S! GIVE ME AN H! GIVE MY A -OT OF SKYLINE! WHAT'S THAT SPELL?)**

Penguin and Butch were sitting in the front of their car in the dead of night, waiting for Zsasz to return. They were parked in front of a mayoral candidate building. They didn't say a word until Butch struck up a conversation.

"Boss, I know I have to do whatever you say. But at least tell me why we're doing it." Butch sighed.

Penguin took a deep breath and sighed, "He likes Frozen, Butch. He's one of us."

Butch didn't say anything as Penguin turned on the car radio and started listening to 'Let It Go.' There was a giggling, and the silhouette of a little girl in a black leather jacket and a little boy dressed like a rich nerd ran past the car. Butch asked, "Who was that?"

Penguin sighed. "Never interrupt Let It Go!" and he started humming along to the radio.

Meanwhile, Victor Zsasz walked into the office of a man who was not given a name in the original script, but will be called Robert here. Much like the precinct and Wayne manor, there were no metal detectors or security or ID requirements, so assassins like Zsasz could walk in whenever they pleased. In fact, a few days ago, Balloonman and Zaardon the Soul Reaper walked into the precinct, got some coffee, and walked out.

None of Robert's men moved when Zsasz walked into the room and stood at the head of the table.

"What are you doing here?" Robert asked.

Zsasz shrugged. "Volunteering. Cool pins." Zsasz picked up a pin from the basket on the table and put it on his lapel, doing a campaigning pose.

"Those are three ninety-nine each!" Robert growled. "Morris, protect my income!"

A guard named Morris stepped up and held his hand out, waiting for Zsasz to fork over the money.

Zsasz laughed. "Oh sorry. I think this bullet cost three ninety-nine." Zsasz loaded his gun and shot Morris in the face, making him fall back dead.

Robert shook his head. "There's blood on it, that makes it worth less!"

Zsasz pulled out his guns and started shooting wildly at Robert's men, knocking them down left and right. Robert ran into the hall and down the stairs, and Zsasz followed. They were outside, and Zsasz was ready to kill another mayoral candidate when...

 _Zap!_ Jim Gordon shot a taser gun into Victor Zsasz's side, and Zsasz jerked around spastically until he fell on the ground, twitching unconscious and murmuring quiet pained whispers. Jim sighed and turned back to Captain Barnes and the Strike Force, waiting in the police van.

"Good idea bringing this along, Barnes." Jim said, twirling the taser gun in the air. "I was going to get a bunch of guns and just shoot him."

Barnes shrugged. "Well, if you want to take down bad guys, you have to bring the heavy guns."

"Good point." Jim said.

"So, do you want to check out front and see if the people who hired him are still there?"

"Good idea. That's why you're the boss."

The Strike Force went out to the front, and Penguin did a hilarious freaked-out face before Butch started the gas and started driving away from the cops and back to the hideout.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Penguin sat at his table, twiddling his thumbs when Butch walked in, wondering what was up with his boss.

"Boss, is something wrong?" Butch asked.

Penguin sighed. "Get me a drink."

Butch winced, "I don't think that's a good idea. I mean... every time I get you a drink, you find a way to break the glass. We're running out of glasses here, boss. I mean, you threw one into the fireplace, you threw another at a wall, you shot one, I don't think that you-"

"Then get me a plastic cup!"

"Okay, I'll check and see if we bought any... plastic cups."

Butch left, and Penguin waited until Jim walked in, and he didn't look happy. Penguin was not in a good mood at the moment.

"You murdered Janice Caulfield." Jim growled. "Why? You're the King of Gotham. What do you gain from killing mayoral candidates?"

Penguin sighed. "Go away Jim."

Jim didn't go away. "We have a new police captain. No more favors. We're taking you down."

That was it. Penguin had another angry-gasm. He slammed his hand down on the table and yelled, "You came here with no men, no guns and why?! Because you would _hate_ for your new boss to find out that you gunned down Ogden Barker in cold blood over a debt. A debt to me! And I suppose the day before you didn't ask me to run Commissioner Loeb out of town just so you could get your old job back?"

That shut Jim up. He started to walk away, and Butch came back with Penguin's drink in a paper cup. Penguin got an idea and yelled, "Oh, wait, Jim!"

Jim turned back, and Penguin threw the paper cup at Jim's forehead. Jim stood still, not hurt at all, and a bit embarrassed for Penguin. Penguin turned back to Butch and screamed, "Get me a glass cup!"

"See, if that was a glass cup, you would've broken it." Butch said.

While Penguin and Butch squabbled over the use of paper or glass cups, Jim walked away confused and embarrassed.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Bruce walked through the school grounds with his knapsack slung over his shoulder, awkwardly traipsing around the school ground. He walked past the fountain when he heard a familiar voice say, "Hey, Bruce." He turned around to see Silver in the school uniform stand up and smile. She asked, "Do you want to get lunch together?"

"Sorry, Silver. I promised Selina I would play with her at lunch today."

An hour later, in the streets of Gotham near a broken fire hydrant and a gang of street kids, Selina leaned against a fire hydrant fixing the goggles on her head. Then, Bruce walked back with the bagels she had told him to buy.

"Okay, I got the bagels. What are we going to do with them?" Bruce asked.

Selina smirked, "What do you think?"

There was then an adorable montage of the two kids running through the wet streets and throwing bagels at each other.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"What do you think? Red or blue?" Theo asked, holding up some campaign pins in the mirror. Behind him, Barbara and Tabitha were lying down on some bean bag chairs.

"Red." Tabitha said.

"Blue." Barbara shrugged.

"Blue it is." Theo grinned, throwing the red pin on the ground.

Barbara sighed, "I'm bored. I want some fun."

"Patience, Barbara." Theo smirked, turning back to her. "Your time will come."

Barbara sighed, flipping on her stomach and collapsing on the ground. "So, did you actually like Frozen, or did you just need Penguin to like you?"

"What do you think, Barbara?"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Penguin sat in his comfy chair, watching the fireplace and drinking from a glass cup. He won that argument. But he was worried. A while ago, he was singing along to his Frozen DVD when Selina came in with a video camera and threatened to release the video to the public. Butch came through the door, sad.

"Did you find her?" Penguin asked. Butch shook his head, and left Penguin to his sorrow. Penguin couldn't take it anymore. He threw his drink into the fireplace and screamed.

 **(GOTHAM)**

* * *

Harley hugged her boyfriend and grinned, "Isn't Mr. J a great writer?"

The cast of Gotham sat completely still, not knowing what to say. Jack shrugged, thinking they were in awe of his amazing writing. "Okay, glad you liked it! Tomorrow, we shoot the new Gotham theme song! Imagine, it's black and white at first, and then we have close-ups of all your faces with happy music, and then all of you stand together and smile for the camera, and the title goes, 'GOTHAM'"

The cast didn't say anything, and then David shrugged, "A theme song could be fun."

Michael sighed, "Okay, I'm confused. Are these kids supposed to be here, or..."

Finally, the door was kicking open, and a team of SWATs came in with machine guns aimed for Jack and Harley, and one yelled, "We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Jack. Get your hands up!"

Jack grinned, and held up a remote control. "Time to make my quick getaway!" He and Harley jumped out of the window, landing in a purple lamborghini and driving away, and the security team chased after him. Meanwhile, the cast sat at the table and flipped through the script again.

"It's actually not a bad script." James shrugged.

Donal nodded. "I mean, the theme song idea has some potential."

Erin got out of her seat and picked a flashlight up off the ground. "Hey, that boy dropped his bomb detonator."

"That's a flashlight, Erin." Ben said. "That kid was lying."

Erin shrugged. "Well, at least we have a new flashlight for the studio." She pressed the button on the side and turned to flashlight on, and the sound of an explosion in the parking lot made everyone in the room freeze, jaws dropped.

 **Thanks for reading to the end! I'm either going to make a parody of By Fire, or Mommy's Little Monster. Whichever one would be funnier. Most likely Mommy's Little Monster, but we'll see.**


	3. Uncle's Little Hooker (Part One)

**I'm just now realizing how packed this episode was. I left out a bunch of stuff I didn't know what to do with, and this is still way longer than I expected. Then again, I also went a little overboard with the BatCat, so... hehe. Because it's so long, I've decided to split it into two shorter parts. Second part will come out shortly after.**

It was time for the table reading of Gotham's newest episode, Mommy's Little Monster. It was a pivotal episode, in which the entire series would be bent around. Jack hadn't shown his face around the table for two episodes, but that didn't matter.

It was exactly one week since Bruno Heller had gotten tired of the little clown boy harassing his cast. He had a plan to get him to stop, but that involved a deal that was all too painful to make. In exchange for Jack stopping his harassment of the cast, Bruno agreed to create one episode of Gotham using a script the insane boy wrote. Jack had said he would stop by whenever with the script they were to use, but two episodes had gone past, and no sign of Jack Kerr. The cast was thinking that the boy had forgotten. They were safe to produce this one, important, pivotal episode.

"Hey, I just got a text." Sean Pertwee said, checking his phone. The cast, sat around the table, waited anxiously as Sean read the text out loud. "What's the difference between Batman and Selina Kyle? Batman can go to a ball without Robbin'. From JK."

"JK?" Jessica Lucas asked. "As in Just Kidding?"

The more obvious answer loomed upon Robin Lord Taylor. "Or... Jack Kerr."

"Correct!" said a voice, as the door was kicked open and Jack jumped onto the table, brushing off his coat and throwing his hat away, straight at Natalie Alyn Lind's face. "Sorry I wasn't here sooner. Come on, with your last ones? The hooker parade, the eyeball thing, the mallet hand, that guy with the bomb in his pants who got blown up, I could not possibly make those better. Bridgit could've been wearing a clown nose, but other than that? Gold. But I see you've reverted back to your normal brand of quality villainy and conspiracy and mind-bending clever plans that I just couldn't see on the screen without a little pizzazz. So, who wants to guess what happens in my script?"

"Bruno sent you a key with the note he sent, right?" Ben Mckenzie asked. "So why did you kick down our door again?"

Jack shrugged. "Force of habit. Anywho, let's get back to business. Now, Cory. I want you to deliver this line with some real pizzazz. After all, we found your long lost twin brother just for the show!"

"I have a lost twin brother?" Cory gasped. "My mother said-"

* * *

Oswald Cobblepot, better known as the Penguin, walked through the dark alley of warehouses on the riverside with his crew, all armed with guns and weapons. He'd been waiting for this moment for a long time- the moment he'd rescue his mother and kill Theo and Tabitha Galavan. They deserved to die.

"Mother!" Penguin exclaimed, dropping everything he was holding and running to the cell his mother, also crying out for her son.

"Oswald, is that really you?" she squeaked, hugging him through the cell bars. "Your face- like a vision!"

"Don't you worry. Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to get you out of there." Penguin smiled, going back to get his bolt cutters.

There were footsteps coming from down the hall, and the shapes of Theo and Tabitha Galavan appeared out of the darkness. Penguin froze in his tracks, glaring at Theo as if lasers would shoot out of his eyes.

"Penguin." Theo smiled. "I thought that by now, you'd have understood the meaning of consequences."

"Oh?" Penguin growled. "How's this for consequences?" He snapped his fingers, and Victor Zsasz and his army of hot lady henchmen fell in through vents on the roof holding machine guns, and Victor was holding a bomb.

Theo looked around and just grinned. "Ha, if you blow up this place, you'll never get the key to the cell your mother is in!"

"Very well." Penguin snarled. "Zsasz, shoot them both in the head and grab the key."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a second." Theo said, holding up his hands to defend himself. "Don't you want to get Butch to shoot me?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it matters a lot."

"Fine, Butch! Shoot them both in the head and grab the key."

Butch held a gun towards Theo and Tabitha, but then slowly turned towards the rest of Penguin's henchmen. Zsasz was there though, and as soon as he saw Butch turning to the henchmen, he grabbed the gun, threw it across the room, and punched Butch in the face, knocking him out. Theo stood in his place awkwardly as Penguin smirked, "Zsasz is always the answer. _Always_ the answer."

"TABBY!" Theo yelled, and Tabitha engaged in an epic battle with Victor Zsasz that would last for a long time. Meanwhile, Penguin and Theo stood in their places awkwardly as Tabitha and Zsasz were shooting at each other.

"This is going to take a while." Penguin said. "Luckily, I planted a bomb at the base of your building if you didn't give my mother back."

"You've really thought this through." Theo growled.

"What did you think I was going to do, just charge in with two men with tiny guns?" Penguin sneered, as Tabitha and Zsasz were on the ground punching each other.

Theo sighed, "Alright, I'll give you your mother if you don't kill me right now."

"I'm good with that." Penguin grumbled, while Tabitha and Zsasz were rolling around on the ground, madly kissing each other.

Theo let Penguin's mom out of the cell and the two evil kingpins walked off as Tabitha and Zsasz were wildly making out on the floor, and Penguin turned around to yell, "I'm still going to kill you later!"

 **(GOTHAM)**

 _You are a psychopath!_

 _I'm not the man you think I am! I'd never do anything to hurt you._

Ed woke up on the side of his bed, his eyes hurting from the tears and slouched over. The memory was too fresh in his mind. He didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. He could stay where he was for the rest of his life. But then, there was a voice.

"I knew you'd wake up all boo-hoo-ey." Evil Ed grinned, leaning against the corner wearing a green suit, a green hat with a question mark on it, and holding a gold cane with a question mark on it.

"Why are you dressed like that?" Ed asked.

Evil Ed shrugged. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were allergic to character development. Anyway, do you like magic tricks? Of course you do, because I like magic tricks. Well guess what? I can make a body disappear."

Ed leaned up and peered over the top of the bed, dreading seeing Kristen's body. Instead, there was nothing. The sheets were undone, and Kristen's perfume still permeated the sheets. Ed's eyes fell on a note, an envelope with a green question mark on it. He opened it, and read, "Riddle me this: My first is about what you stained the pillow with by being a pussy. My second is what Gordon can use to screw up our plan. My last is the word that made Bullock pee his pants. What am I?"

"You'd better figure it out fast." Evil Ed sneered. "You want to find the body before someone else, right?"

 _A riddle._ Ed thought. _Stains on the pillow? Stains. Tears? Eyes. About eyes. About can also mean around. Around eyes are circles. Two circles. Okay, what Gordon can use. A badge? A gun? He's a cop. His job is a... his job! He clocks in every day. His clock-in card. What made Bullock pee his pants? When did... the GCPD massacre. He was listening to Jerome's speech. You're all tiny little cogs in a giant absurd machine. A machine. What does that mean? Two circles, a clock-in card, a machine. Two circles can be a Venn diagram. A clock-in card goes into a timer. It has a clock. It makes a ding noise. Venn, ding, machine. Vending machine. There's a vending machine at the GCPD._

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Theo, Tabitha, and their niece Silver stood in front of the television in their apartment, watching the broadcast. It was about Jim Gordon, president of the policemen's union, endorsing Theo for mayor, something that made Theo very happy.

"I can't believe you're going to be the mayor of this sink hole." Tabitha sighed, clicking the television off.

"Can I go to the victory party after?" Silver asked. "You promised me fun."

Theo grinned, amused. "There'll be plenty of time for parties and fun once I own Wayne Enterprises, and Bruce Wayne has met his unfortunate demise."

Theo turned around and sat on his desk, smiling at his silver-haired ward.

"Young Bruce has become quite fond of you. I need you to make sure no one else is whispering secrets in his ear. Can you do that?"

Silver sighed, holding up her pinky finger with a sneer. "See this finger? I've got little Bruce wrapped tight around it."

"What a vixen you've become."

"I took a shower with the door open so Bruce could 'accidentally' barge in on me."

"Good, clever."

"I gave him a present in a box that 'accidentally' had some panties in it."

"Dedication, nice."

"I snuck into his bed last night."

"Okay, too far. You're grounded for a week. And, we have Penguin to deal with."

Tabitha stood up, smirking at the thought of getting to kill again. "I'll take care of it."

"No." Theo said. "I'm about to become mayor. I'll have an army at my disposal. Time to use it."

"What, are you stupid? That little maniac could bring a bomb and blow us all up at the election party! He tried to kill all of us when he got his mother. I'm going to track him down and kill him. You go and do your election thing, and I'll get my whip."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"You trust him?" Bullock asked, walking by his desk at the precinct and seeing his partner eyeing a news story on Theo Galavan on the television.

Jim sighed, "A Gotham politician? About as far as I can throw him. But... if he gets us what we need, he's alright by me."

"I don't trust him either. His entire face screams 'supervillain.' And did you see his ears? Seriously, was his mother an elephant? Whoever his parents were gave birth to his hot sister, then ran out of the hotness gene and so gave birth to him."

"Harvey?"

"What?"

"He can hear you."

"Damn right he can hear me! Those ears of his, he could hear a fly taking a crap on the roof. I wonder if he can hear Ed talking to himself. It'd solve the whole 'taking him to therapy thing.'"

"No, I mean he's right behind you."

Harvey turned around and shrieked like a little girl at the sight of Theo Galavan standing behind him with Harvey Dent, tapping his foot impatiently waiting for Bullock to get up off the ground.

"Ignore him, he's drunk." Jim sighed, helping his partner up. "What can I help you with?"

Harvey Dent took a deep breath and shook his head. "Penguin just tried to kill our new mayor."

 **(SHOT OF GOTHAM CITY POSTCARD THAT'S A PICTURE OF THE SKYLINE)**

Jim and Harvey stood in the captain's office as Captain Barnes briefed Theo on everything he knew about Oswald Cobblepot.

"We believe Penguin was behind the mayoral candidate assassinations, and was responsible for burning down those Wayne Enterprises buildings."

"And this is the second time he's tried to kill me." Theo complained. "That man is a menace."

"And one I fully intend to put behind bars." Barnes growled, looking down.

Jim put his hand up to gain the attention of the room. "Wait, Penguin tried to kill you?"

Theo nodded, and turned to show the scar on his neck.

Bullock scoffed, "That looks like a papercut."

"Penguin stabbed me in the neck!" Theo whined.

"The makeup on the scar is dripping."

Theo sighed, "It's ketchup from my lunch earlier, but the scar itself is very real! Now, about Penguin. As soon as I become mayor, I'm making a curfew and conducting door-to-door searches until we find this dangerous criminal."

"That seems unnecessarily drastic." Barnes said. "We could put up wanted signs and continue absorbing all of his properties. That would draw him out."

Jim shrugged, "We could just put officers on you until Penguin comes for you. He's bound to sooner or later. It's a lot less hassle than creating a curfew."

Bullock grinned, "Or we could put up 'free knee braces' signs at the leg surgery places."

"NO!" Theo yelled, before brushing himself off and regaining his composure. "I mean... I'm sure a curfew is the best option."

"Really?" Bullock sneered. "You're going to go all 'dictator' on us? Penguin was mean, but at least he let us out after nine o'clock."

Jim sighed, "If we start policing through fear, we're no better than he is."

"Right, of course." Barnes groaned. "Policing through throwing people out of windows and beating suspects is much better. You have our full support, Mister Galavan."

"Just remember, Jim." Theo said, turning to Jim. "You came to me."

"You came to me first."

"You agreed to endorse me."

"You asked like twenty times and sent a gift basket to my house."

"Okay, it's not important who came to whom, now let's go get the Penguin!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLI- OH WAIT, IT'S JUST WAYNE MANOR.)**

"What do you have against front doors?" Bruce asked, finding Selina in the study of Wayne manor by the open window.

"Nothing." Selina said, creeping closer to Bruce. "It's the ape who opens it that I could live without."

Bruce nodded. "It's been a month since I've seen you. What are you doing here?"

Selina laughed a bit. "I've had the craziest week. My old friend Bridgit, she built this fire suit and she-" Selina stopped once her eyes landed on a blue women's handbag.

Bruce stood still for a moment, not knowing what to say. He finally breathed out, "That's Alfred's."

"Why does Alfred have a girl's handbag?"

"He's going through a mid-life crisis."

Then, Silver walked in, and Bruce swore under his breath as Selina glared at the girl he invited over. Silver brushed off her dress, not noticing Selina as she walked into the study and smiled, "Sorry, I got lost on my way... who's this?"

Bruce stood still, preparing himself for the most awkward moment of his life. "Silver St. Cloud, this is Selina. Selina, this is my... friend Silver."

Selina cocked her eyebrow and sighed, "You know, you used to be awkward and short and had no idea how to talk to girls. Puberty hit you like a sack of bricks."

"Are you staying for lunch?" Silver asked, inching closer to Selina. "Please say you are, I just moved here and don't know many people."

"Well, I would." Selina smirked. "But I'm allergic to blonde hair dye. If I get close to it, I get spasms in my middle finger, so polite pass."

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Silver beamed, turning to Bruce. "Go tell Alfred you have some guests. Go on, shoo!" Silver then flirtingly pushed Bruce away down the hall. Bruce scurried away to find Alfred, hoping to return as fast as possible so Selina couldn't tell Silver anything embarrassing about him. She knew a lot.

Silver waited until Bruce was out of earshot, and then turned to Selina. "Well, now that it's just us girls, let me give you a little advice. You come around here again, that would be bad. For you."

Selina snorted with a smirk. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Bruce's friend." Silver grinned. "His only friend."

"Funny, because when I tell Bruce he was no friends, he just gets mad. He must like you or something."

And then, Silver made it more awkward than it already was by darting in and sniffing the crook of Selina's neck with a pleased grin. "And you're a piece of gutter trash. Tell me, would anyone miss you if one day you were just... gone?"

Selina gave Silver an impressed smirk. "You know, I would call you a dumb blonde. Except the blonde hair obviously isn't real, so that means you're just dumb."

"Actually, the blonde is real, which is more than can be said about the leather you're wearing."

"I was kidding. Nice ponytail. It pulls back your hair enough for people to see your head is shaped like a strawberry."

"Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?"

"No..."

The two girls turned around hearing footsteps coming down the hall, and Bruce came back into the study. "I told Alfred."

There was the sound of a machine gun shooting in another room, and some glass and wood breaking as it met the bullets.

Bruce shrugged. "I probably shouldn't have told him about you, Selina. What were you two talking about?"

"Nothing." Silver smiled sweetly. "Just girl stuff."

"Yeah." Selina smirked, fingering the voice recorder in her pocket. "Just girl stuff."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Ed looked over the precinct, making a mental list of the vending machines in the precinct as cheery pop music played, and the cops walked by completely oblivious to what Ed was really doing there.

"See, this is why people don't like you." Evil Ed growled, sneaking up behind Ed. "Because you listen to this music."

Ed fumbled with his record player, frantically turning off, "Closer to the bone, sweeter is the meat, last slice of Virginia ham, is the best that you can eat,"

Evil Ed sighed, massaging his imaginary temples much harder than you're supposed to. "Did you solve my riddle yet?"

"Yes." Ed said, sadly. "I just have to find a vending machine."

"I am four brothers with a cousin to my left, what am I?"

"A right hand. Is there a vending machine in the right hall?"

Evil Ed gave up, not able to live with Ed's stupidity, and started bludgeoning himself with a wrench from the nearby table. Sadly, Evil Ed's imaginary hands passed right through the wrench, and so Evil Ed just slapped himself in the face over and over again. Ed went to go find a vending machine.

Later, Ed arrived at the vending machine on the right hall and looked at all the options. There was nothing pertaining to Kristen Kringle.

"Which one do I pick?" He wondered, eying all the different buttons and corresponding snacks.

He looked up, and Evil Ed appeared sitting on top of the vending machine. "I'll tell you. But first, imagine me in a top hat."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Ed imagined his evil counterpart wearing a top hat, and suddenly, a black, tall, Abraham Lincoln style hat appeared on Evil Ed's head.

"Yes, I've always wanted to try one of these." Evil Ed grinned. "Now imagine me riding a unicorn. I'm kidding, we can do that later. Right now, what's missing from the dark to give it a sword?"

Ed thought for a while. "The letter K. It turns _night_ into _knight._ I press the letter K?"

Evil Ed was too busy taking imaginary selfies in his top hat to pay attention, so Ed just put a bill in and repeatedly pressed the K button. Twinkie after Twinkie fell into the bottom slot, and finally, the Twinkies ran out and there was nothing left in the slot.

"There's nothing here!" Ed yelled, perhaps a bit too loudly.

Evil Ed shrugged. "I may have exaggerated the letter."

"I spent twenty-seven bucks!"

"Inflation, right?" Evil Ed laughed. "I guess you'll have to try all the buttons. Good thing you work on a public servant's salary."

After seventeen buttons and a hundred and six bucks worth of vending machine snacks, Ed finally ran out of money, only having enough for one more snack, enough to finish off the M button. He pressed it one more time, and prepared to take home the snack. Only it wasn't a snack. It was a severed hand.

Ed gasped in alarm and grabbed the hand before anyone could see, scurrying off for his lab to confirm it was Kristen's. A few seconds after, Bullock walked past and noticed a hundred and six dollars worth of snacks lying at the bottom of the vending machine.

"I don't know what kind of vigilante you are," Bullock cheered, "But you're my favorite so far!"

* * *

Cory Michael Smith eyed his script with exasperation, looking up at Jack.

"I know we have to create this episode the way you wanted, but... selfies in a top hat?" Cory asked.

Jack shrugged. "I think fans would get a kick out of that!"

"But this show is set ten years in the past, selfies weren't even invented yet."

"Yes, but how epic would it be if the Riddler invented the Selfie?!"

Meanwhile, across the table, Natalie Alyn Lind was attempting to call security on her cell phone when Camren stopped her, grabbing the phone from under the table.

"No, Natalie." Camren whispered. "We have to do this. We have to get rid of this kid forever."

Natalie sighed. "Seriously, though. 'Would anyone miss you if one day you were just gone?' That's so cliché, we can't say that!"

"Actually, that was from the original script." Jack grinned, darting around to laugh at the teenage actress. "See why I have to make these changes?"

The entire cast shrugged.

* * *

Alfred walked into the study to serve tea to Bruce and his guests, shuddering and trying to stay calm.

"This is wonderful, Alfred." Silver smiled. "I fell in love with Lapsang Souchong when I lived in Fuijan. Driving through the Wuyi region, all you could smell was the burning cedar they used to smoke leaves." she said, referring to the same smell that Selina would describe as dirt and Asian plastic.

Alfred sighed, "Actually, it's grass from the front lawn, but I appreciate your enthusiasm."

Selina wafted the tea smell into her face, taking a deep breath of the disgusting leaves in the water and sneering at the butler. "That smell really does slaps you in the face, doesn't it, Alfred?"

Alfred's eye twitched, and he started walking off, whispering to himself to calm himself down, "Calm down, Alfred. Not in front of Miss St. Cloud. Remember your therapy, Alfred," and disappeared from the study.

Silver put down her tea and gave Selina a smile that was equivalent to a psychic slap in the face. "So, Selina, tell me about yourself. Do you have any family?"

Bruce, remembering the time he asked Selina about her family, resisted jumping on Silver and taping her mouth shut.

Selina put down her disgusting-smelling warm cup of water with grass in it and gave Silver a fake grin. "Let me ask _you_ a question. How long have you been a two-faced slut?"

"How dare you say that to my beautiful, gorgeous, perfect, glowing, radiant, adorable-" Bruce screamed, before realizing he was saying it out loud and quickly shut himself up.

Selina sighed, "No, seriously! What's she after?! It's the money, right? It can't be his wacky sense of humor."

That hurt Bruce just a little bit. More than that, Silver stood up and whispered, "Maybe I should go-"

"NO!" Bruce yelled, shaking the entire mansion, and then biting on his tongue to punish himself mentally, thinking, _what is wrong with me today?!_

"Is that a tear?" Selina grinned, cocking her head at Silver. "You're good."

"I'm sorry." Silver whimpered, flashing Bruce with her most pouty sympathetic face. "Goodbye."

"Silver, please don't go! I love you!" Bruce whimpered, reaching out to her, and consequently slapping himself in the face. "God, I cannot talk today!" He waited until Silver was gone, and turned to Selina. "What did you do?!"

Selina groaned, "Yeah, yeah, you can be pissy later. Listen to this."

She pulled a tape recorder out of her jacket pocket and rewinded it a bit. Then, she pressed play for Bruce to hear a conversation between Penguin and Butch on tape.

"No! When I asked for an umbrella gun, I asked for a gun that looks like an umbrella!"

"Oh, I thought you meant you wanted a gun that shoots umbrellas."

"Why would I need a gun that shoots umbrellas?"

There was a gun shooting sound, the sound of an umbrella opening, and Penguin saying, "Okay, keep this. But I still want another umbrella gun that's a gun that looks like an umbrella."

Bruce looked at Selina confused, and the snickering Selina changed the recording to one of Edward Nygma talking to himself.

"I want to get Kristen some of these flowers. _That's so cliché, get her a bomb or something._ Girls don't like bombs. _Hey, what looks like a pencil and will never get laid?_ What? _You, now take us to the bomb section._ "

"Can I be pissy now?" Bruce asked.

Selina sighed, "Just hold on a sec. Okay, here, listen to this."

She pressed the play button on the recorder, and it was Silver's voice saying, "I'm Bruce's friend. His _only_ friend. And you're a piece of gutter trash. Tell me, would anyone miss you if one day you were just... gone?"

"She's evil?" Bruce asked, looking devastated.

Selina nodded. "Yep."

Bruce gasped, "But she's so pretty."

Selina then grabbed a pillow off the couch and beat Bruce with it, "SNAP! OUT! OF! IT! ROMEO!"

"Okay, okay!" Bruce whimpered, trying to defend himself with his arms. Selina threw the pillow down, and Bruce sighed, "Okay, so what do we do?"

Selina grinned, "We're going to get revenge."

Bruce smiled again, and left the study to go get what Selina told him to get for the plan. In the hallway, he bumped into Alfred, who was holding a sniper rifle, and was wearing a camouflage military suit and a jaguar pelt.

"Hi, Alfred." Bruce said.

"Hello, Master Bruce." Alfred sighed.

"Where are you going, Alfred?" Bruce asked.

"Cat-hunting, Master Bruce." Alfred smirked, cocking up his rifle and walking into the study only to find an open window and all the food on the plate stolen.

"MISS KYYYYYLEEE!"

 **(SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS OF SKYLINE SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS)**

Bruce walked into the Galavan apartment, looking around for Silver. Instead, he found Theo fixing his tie in the mirror. Theo quickly noticed Bruce, and turned to smile at him. "Bruce! What a pleasure."

"Hello, sir." Bruce said. "Is Silver here?"

Theo did a mental fist pump. "She's upstairs. She seemed rather upset."

Bruce's eyes went down. "Yes, a friend of mine arrived at the house while Silver was there. She-"

Theo froze. "Wait, a friend? What was this friend's name?"

"Selina?"

"She's a girl?"

"Yes."

"Is she gay?"

"I never asked. Do... you think she is?"

"Yes, I do. And you should never ever see her again because she will never love you."

"That could be deemed offensive by a lot of people."

There were footsteps down the spiral staircase as Silver St. Cloud peered out from behind the stairs, and Theo took his cue to take off, leaving the two pubescent teenagers together alone.

"I knew you'd come." Silver smiled, looking down at Bruce from the staircase. "Selina was so mean to me."

She then ran down the stairs and into Bruce's arms, as he stood still, not knowing what to do or say as Silver wrapped her arms around him and cried on his shoulder, rubbing her entire body against him and stroking his back with her hands, making him turn very red. Theo meanwhile, watching through a peephole in the door, fist-pumped and prepared the twenty dollar bill he was going to give his niece later.

 **Yeah, went a little overboard with BatCat. I went a little crazy after that episode. Coming up soon, what should have happened to Butch Gilzean, how Penguin really should've went about his plan, and Silver St. Cloud's big comeuppance.**


	4. Uncle's Little Hooker (Part Two)

"And, we're back!" Jack exclaimed at the top of his lungs, making the cast wince a bit.

"Ummm," Morena raised her hand hesitantly, "Back from what?"

"The part one break, silly!" Jack laughed. "And now, Ben, read off your cue card."

Ben Mckenzie just noticed the cue card under his script, and took it out. In a loud, clear voice, he read out loud, "Previously on Gotham..."

* * *

"What did you think I was going to do, just charge in with two men with tiny guns?" Penguin sneered, as Tabitha and Zsasz were on the ground punching each other.

Theo sighed, "Alright, I'll give you your mother if you don't kill me right now."

"I'm good with that." Penguin grumbled, while Tabitha and Zsasz were rolling around on the ground, madly kissing each other.

 **(TRANSITION)**

Evil Ed shrugged. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were allergic to character development. Anyway, do you like magic tricks? Of course you do, because I like magic tricks. Well guess what? I can make a body disappear."

 **(TRANSITION)**

"Are you staying for lunch?" Silver asked, inching closer to Selina. "Please say you are, I just moved here and don't know many people."

"Well, I would." Selina smirked. "But I'm allergic to blonde hair dye. If I get close to it, I get spasms in my middle finger, so polite pass."

 **(TRANSITION)**

Ed gasped in alarm and grabbed the hand before anyone could see, scurrying off for his lab to confirm it was Kristen's. A few seconds after, Bullock walked past and noticed a hundred and six dollars worth of snacks lying at the bottom of the vending machine.

"I don't know what kind of vigilante you are," Bullock cheered, "But you're my favorite so far!"

 **(TRANSITION)**

"She's evil?" Bruce asked, looking devastated.

Selina nodded. "Yep."

Bruce gasped, "But she's so pretty."

Selina then grabbed a pillow off the couch and beat Bruce with it, "SNAP! OUT! OF! IT! ROMEO!"

 **(TRANSITION)**

"He will be vulnerable!" Barnes shouted. "And it will be up to us to protect him. Move out!" The policemen moved out for their assignments, and Jim Gordon met up with Bullock with his gun, ready to meet Oswald Cobblepot one last time.

* * *

"What just happened?" The cast unanimously asked, all confused.

"The previously on Gotham bit! You know, to let viewers that haven't watched in a while the gist of what's going on? What? You've never seen one before?" Jack sighed.

"Yeah," Camren shrugged, "But those are supposed to make sense and be informative."

"Yuh, and?"

"Your thing made no sense, and gave us no information."

"Well, then I guess you shouldn't have missed the last few episodes. Now, shall we get on with _this_ episode?

* * *

Jim and Bullock followed the evil janitor in through the door to Butch Gilzean's new hideout. The first thing they noticed was that his hand was gone, and instead, a miniature machine gun was strapped to his stump. A few men stood around Butch, playing on their phones.

"That is a wicked cool hand." Bullock laughed.

Butch didn't take lightly to that, taking off his machine gun and strapping on another attachment, a giant samurai sword. "Are we going to have any trouble?"

"Where's Penguin?" Jim asked.

"I'm not going to tell you anything."

"Where did you get a gang?" Bullock asked.

One of the gang members grunted, "Actually, we're from the pizza pub across the street. Butch paid us twenty bucks to hang out here and make him look tougher."

"Gee, thanks, Vlad." Butch growled. "I knew I could count on you."

Jim sighed, "So where's Penguin? Our new mayor wants results on this, so if we drag you in, chances are that's where you're going to stay."

There was a car screeching outside, and Bullock looked out the window. Meanwhile, on the other side of the glass, Victor Zsasz jumped out of his assassin van, ready to complete another mission. He brushed himself off and got into formation with his army of hot female henchwomen.

"Ready, girls?" Zsasz asked.

"We're always ready, Victor." One of the hot female henchwomen smirked.

Victor smiled. "You're my favorite, Bertha."

"I thought I was your favorite!" Another hot female henchwoman whined.

"Jada, we'll talk later. Cynthia, Raven, stand more to the left." Zsasz said.

"My name's Victoria! Who's Raven?"

"We'll talk about this later." Zsasz took a deep breath and turned to the small diner window, knowing exactly who was inside. At the top of his lungs, Zsasz yelled, "I'm here for Gilzean! Anyone who leaves now-"

Sadly, Bullock, Jim, and Butch were separated from Zsasz by a wall of glass, so Zsasz's commands were heard more as, "Mmmph mmmm mmmhhhiii uummmmphh phhhhhuhmmmmmmmm mmmm mmhhff,"

"What's he saying?" Jim asked.

Bullock shrugged. He turned to the window and yelled, "What?!"

Zsasz continued, not aware of the effect of the glass. "Mmmmg mmmphhhh hh mmhh phhhhh mmhhhhhpffff mff mpf."

"WHAT?!" Bullock yelled from the top of his lungs.

"Mgghhhh mphhfff ff phhhhh mphhhh mmm."

Bullock was about to give up, but he got an idea in that second and unlocked the window, rolling it up and yelling, "What did you say?!"

Zsasz sighed, and said his entire speech again. Then, Bullock nodded, yelled, "Okay, thanks!" and closed the window again. He turned back to Jim and screamed, "Zsasz is going to shoot up this joint and we have sixty seconds to get out alive!"

The pizza place employees all got up and ran out the front door, whimpering and begging for their lives. Butch unscrewed his sword-hand and put on a white flag, and gasped, "I have an idea!" and ran out the back door, jumping in the van and driving off.

"Should we have stopped him?" Bullock asked.

Jim sighed, checked his watch, and ran out towards the police car, followed by Bullock, and drove off. Zsasz, meanwhile, gave his people the cue and started unknowingly shooting at nothing through the window.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Ed played around with Kristen's hand, wondering how Evil Ed ever got it into the vending machine in the first place. Then, he found a little slip of paper embedded in the hand. He took it out, and it read, "I'm tired of hiding and want to be free, to find where I'm hidden, find the two things missing from me"

Evil Ed showed up in the corner of the room, wearing his imaginary top hat and riding his imaginary horse. "The back of our head looks weird. It's like the top of a pencil."

"Why are you doing this?" Ed asked.

"I'm a figment of your imagination created from loss and grief. It's either this, or cutting. I chose the less emo one. Though, I'm surprised you haven't figured out this riddle yet. Should I have made it easier?"

"You could start by using proper grammar." Ed growled. "A period at the end of a sentence is... M period E period. Medical Examiner... you didn't!"

Evil Ed shrugged, "Actually, the riddle's answer was just period, and that was supposed to make you think about Dr. Thompkins, but hey! You got it anyway."

 **(BATMAN '66 TRANSITION. YOU KNOW, THE BAT SYMBOL SWIRLING ON THE SCREEN WITH THE YELLOW AND THE SOUND EFFECT? THE SWIRLY YELLOW THING FROM THE OLD BATMAN 60'S SHOW? YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.)**

"No one kills Galavan but me." Penguin snarled, walking in on his henchmen gang, all arming themselves with guns. "Hey, you!"

Gabe, Penguin's henchman, turned around surprised, asking, "Me, boss?"

"Yeah." Penguin growled. "Butch is gone now, so you're officially Butch Number Two. I heard you wanted to say something to me?"

Butch Number Two sighed. "Listen, I get what you're feeling. A mother's love and all that. The most simple, most pure form of love there is. When a mother holds her little baby boy in her arms and knows there isn't anything more precious, and she could never love anything-"

"BUTCH NUMBER TWO!"

"The cops aren't going to let you within a hundred feet of Galavan. Let us whack him for you, please?"

"No." Penguin hissed. "Where's Zsasz?"

Victor heard his name, and walked in with his Penguin wig and glasses on, instead looking like an assassin Ozzy Osborn. "Is this really necessary?"

"Yes, it is! And walk with a limp, it's more convincing." Penguin said.

Zsasz took a deep breath, remembering his paycheck at the end of the day, and tilted his foot out and limped away to get his guns.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Captain Nathaniel Barnes stood on the high rise at the GCPD, addressing all the policemen in the building about Theo Galavan's acceptance party for mayor. It would be dangerous. They knew Penguin was going to make a move.

"He will be vulnerable!" Barnes shouted. "And it will be up to us to protect him. Move out!" The policemen moved out for their assignments, and Jim Gordon met up with Bullock with his gun, ready to meet Oswald Cobblepot one last time.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Jim stood among the crowd at Theo Galavan's mayor party, keeping a close eye out for Penguin. Bullock walked in and nudged the thinking Jim Gordon, startling him awake.

"I did a check with Gertrude Cobblepot's lord. Said the old bag has been gone for the past two weeks." Bullock sighed, hands in his pockets.

Jim growled, confused, "May I ask the address of the apartment you went to?"

Bullock sheepishly grinned, "Eighth on the south side."

"That's a pizza place."

"Yeah, but Gertrude Cobblepot was a regular there, and the cashier said she hadn't called in for two weeks. I've done my police work, the pizza's going to be ready in ten."

"There's tomato sauce on your tie."

Bullock sighed, giving up his lie. "I ate the pizza without you. I just figured that after this, you'd be too upset to ask me about it. But the Gertrude thing is very real. The old bird's on a sunset cruise or something. Anyway, I think it's best we wait and see if- hey, look! A punch bowl!"

Jim growled and gave Bullock a very rude gesture behind his back. Then, he clicked his walky-talky on and radioed Martinez from the Strike Force, saying, "Do you have a visual on Penguin?"

Martinez, on the roof and armed with a sniper rifle, looked through the sight and spotted a short man with greasy black hair limping towards the building with a shotgun.

"Visual confirmed." Martinez said.

"Good, hold your fire."

"Target is down."

"What part of hold your fire did you not understand?! That's it, you're fired! I cannot deal with these stupid, idiotic, insane-"

"It wasn't my shot, sir."

"Oh, okay scratch that. Wait, who was that?"

Martinez looked up, confused. "We have an unknown sniper on the roof. Wait, that wasn't Penguin. All targets are dressed up like Penguin, positive ID is impossible."

Meanwhile, on the street below, Oswald Cobblepot stood at the front of his troop of suited, greasy-haired, limping army, sighing in exasperation. "No, no! Walk more like me! You're not getting the walk right! You are _supposed_ to walk like your right leg is dislocated. You are currently walking like you all crapped your pants!"

"It's hard, boss." One goon said. "How do you get your walk to look so natural?"

"My leg is actually broken!"

"Oh. Should we break our legs too?"

"NO! WHY WOULD I WANT A BUNCH OF SOLDIERS WITH BROKEN- guh. Just keep going. And who is that in the back who's talking right now?"

A man that Penguin did not remember hiring at all stepped to the side and waved to Penguin. The henchman beside that man said, "Oh, this is Lucius Fox. I brought him along because he kind of looks like a young Morgan Freeman."

Penguin sighed, just about ready to shoot himself in the head. "Why did you bring along a guy who looks like a young Morgan Freeman?

"So he could do this." The henchman said, nudging Lucius in the side. Lucius took his cue and restarted his reading of the narration from 'March of the Penguins.' " _They have wings, but cannot fly. They are bird, but think they are fish, and every year, they embark on an impossible journey to find a mate_."

Penguin slapped his forehead. "Get out of here, Lucius. Now come on, let's go!"

"Hey, wait!" Gabe the henchman gasped, stopping in his tracks, his black wig about to fall off. "Why don't we just take off one of our shoes? That should help."

The entire gang nodded in agreement, and Penguin banged his head against a tree while the gang took their right shoes off, limping away from a giant pile of black pointed shoes.

 **MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE PARTY...**

Jim yelled into his walky-talky, "Martinez, hold for-"

In that moment, a bunch of henchmen all dressed like the Penguin crashed through the windows with their shotguns. Unfortunately, because they were only wearing one shoe each, they tripped and fell on their faces, and some cops arrested them for vandalism.

More of them came, and Jim got out his gun to start shooting them down. He knew he had to get Theo Galavan out before Penguin arrived. He found Theo and dragged him outside, shooting down Penguins left and right, finally getting to Theo's limo outside. Then, he heard footsteps. Uneven, limping footsteps.

"Hello, Jim." Penguin said, pointing his shotgun straight at the detective. "Please stand aside."

The only thing keeping Penguin from shooting was the fact that Jim had a gun too, pointed straight at Penguin. "You know I can't do that."

"You would if you knew what kind of man you were protecting." Penguin growled, as Theo snarled behind Jim. "He killed my mother, Jim. Killed her right in front of me. I held her as she died."

"Oswald, I'm sorry." Jim said, never moving his gun. "But no matter how dark and scary the world might be right now, there will be light. There will be light, Oswald."

"IS THAT THE EXACT SAME SPEECH YOU GAVE TO BRUCE WAYNE?!"

"I'm not good with speeches, okay? Just put the gun down."

"One of us is going to die tonight. I have made my peace with that. I suggest the new mayor does as well."

"Oswald, you've been through a terrible experience. It helps to talk about it."

"I wasn't even there, and I know you said that to Bruce Wayne!"

Then, out of nowhere, a flying shoe hit Penguin right in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious as he fell onto the ground, drooling on the pavement. Jim's head darted to where that shoe came from, and he saw a smiling Lucius Fox walking towards him, his arms full of shoes.

"Where did you get those shoes?" Jim asked.

"There's a big pile of them over there." Lucius smiled. One of the shoes was shot out of his arms, and Jim turned to find Tabitha Galavan on the roof with a sniper rifle. He shot her in the face. After that, Theo Galavan got mad at Jim and stormed off to give another speech to Gotham. Jim arrested Penguin, but while he was in custody, Penguin told Jim exactly what Theo's evil plan was, and Jim arrested Theo. Bullock and the members of Butch's gang got pizza together and became super good buddies. Bullock even convinced them to join the Strike Force, and it became a blooming organization that cleaned up Gotham for good. Victor Zsasz went on a broadway show with his henchwomen, got rich, and quit assassinations to pursue his dream of opening a maid cafe with his hot female henchwomen. Butch, while running away from Zsasz, fell into a vat of acid and started laughing maniacally and become the Joker, destined to endanger Gotham for the rest of his life.

Oh yeah, then there's Bruce and Silver.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"I've felt pretty alone since moving here." Silver said, creeping up from behind Bruce. "Until I met you. But I don't want to come between you and a friend. Selina is never going to like me."

"I don't care." Bruce whispered. "I like you."

It was perfect. Silver clicked the television off with the remote so the only light shining on the two was the soft, silky moonlight that made both of them glow. His trembling lips looked so smooth, and Silver could feel how shallow his quick breaths were as she inched closer and closer to them, finally about to make the final connection when-

"Cat got your tongue?" Selina grinned, before a bucket of water fell from the ceiling and soaked Silver in water, making her lurch backwards and pant with the cold. Selina jumped down from her perch and skipped in, "What's good?"

"You!" Silver gasped. "I'm going to kill you!"

Silver was about to lunge at Selina when Bruce put his foot out, making Silver trip backwards and out the wide open window.

"Did we just kill her?" Bruce asked.

Selina shook her head. "Nah, there are a bunch of trash bags under there."

"Ow!" Silver yelped, as she landed on the trash bags below. Bruce and Selina peered out the window and looked down at the dripping wet girl covered in garbage. "I'm going to get you for this, Selina Kyle! My aunt is going to kill you!"

Selina then grabbed a bag of chicken feathers she had placed earlier and dumped them on the girl below. Bruce and Selina rolled around on the floor, unable to contain their laughter, and when it finally stopped being funny, they closed the window so Silver couldn't climb back up and passionately kissed each other in the moonlight.

Oh, and Ed went insane. Evil Ed is a part of Ed now, though Evil Ed is kind of bummed he can't ride imaginary ponies anymore.

* * *

"Well?" Jack asked, proudly laughing over his script. "You guys are going to have a hoot making this one. Well, you guys know what to do, so bye-bye! I gotta admit, I miss being chased out by security. Oh well." Even though the insane boy wasn't being chased by anyone, he jumped out of the window, shattering glass everywhere, and jumped into his car, driving away.

The cast sat still, worried about how many viewers they would lose by making this piece of trash.

"We can't produce this piece of garbage." Ben sighed. "We just can't."

"Well, do you want that maniac to come in here every day and do this all over again?" David asked. "We have no choice."

Then, at that moment, Bruno Heller came through the door with a happy face on. "Guess what? We're over budget, so we have to cut an episode from this season!"

"Is that good news?" James Frain asked, confused.

"Yes it is. It means one of the episodes we make cannot be aired. So...?"

"We can make this episode, and then not have it be aired!" Cory cheered, and the cast applauded.

"But wait." Erin said. "If that psycho doesn't see his script on the air, he might come back!"

"I don't care." Bruno sighed. "I'm not airing this piece of utter crap. Sorry guys, but I'm afraid that boy is going to come around a few more times."


	5. A Day at ComicCon with Jack

**Hey guys, wanted to do something special, so here's a special Comic-con panel with the addition of our favorite Joker-in-training, Jack Kerr! Also, I'd like to add that I'm using the actual cast members of Gotham as they are in real life. To add to that, I have no idea what their personalities are really like other than social media and interviews, and none of the jokes in here are meant to be personal attacks to any of them. This is for comedy, and if any of the cast is reading this, first off, OH MY GOD, A CAST MEMBER IS READING MY STORY, I'M GOING TO DIE, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! And second, none of you should be offended by anything in this, nothing is to be taken seriously. Also in this story, a few very special guests from this site! I fitted some of your favorite Gotham fanfic authors in here, and you should check them all out, they are incredible!**

 **Ben Mckenzie- Jim Gordon Donal Logue- Harvey Bullock David Mazouz- Bruce Wayne**

 **James Frain- Theo Galavan Robin Lord Taylor- Oswald Cobblepot Cory Michael Smith- Edward Nygma**

 **Camren Bicondova- Selina Kyle Natalie Alyn Lind- Silver St. Cloud Michael Chiklis- Nathaniel Barnes**

 **Erin Richards- Barbara Kean Morena Baccarin- Lee Thompkins Nicholas D'agasto- Harvey Dent**

 **Sean Pertwee- Alfred J Pennyworth Drew Powell- Butch Gilzean**

 **Bruno Heller and Danny Cannon- Producers**

The cast of Gotham sat at the Comic-con table, smiling and waving to the fans watching. The panel was being broadcast everywhere. Ben Mckenzie, Morena Baccarin, David Mazouz, Camren Bicondova, Robin Lord Taylor, James Frain, Natalie Alyn Lind, Cory Michael Smith, and the rest of the main cast sat at the table behind their nameplates, sipping on their complementary bottles of water and waiting for the mediator to arrive and start the panel.

"I'm so sorry, folks," the emcee said over the microphone. "Our mediator Geoff Johns is running a bit late, but the show will start in a few minutes."

The lights dimmed, and the crowd got quiet as a voice blared over the PA. A voice that was all too familiar for the cast of Gotham.

"Where does virgin wool come from?" The voice asked. "Ugly sheep! Ha! No? Nothing? Okay, just wanted to start with a joke. Anyway, give a hand for our fantastic cast! And, I have all their baby photos to show you on a big screen!"

The cast shifted uncomfortably in their seats and hid behind the table embarrassed as a slideshow of their baby pictures played on the big screen behind them. Finally, the screen lifted and the voice continued.

"Okay, now onto business. The panel will start in a few short seconds, but I'd like to introduce myself first. Please give a big round of applause for the Clown Prince of Crime, the Monarch of Mayhem, the Sovereign of Sin, please welcome... Jack Kerr!"

Smoke came out from backstage, and the fourteen-year-old boy with green streaks in his spiky hair and a tuxedo vest over his black street clothes strolled out from behind the curtain, laughing and reining in the huge applause from the wild audience, who assumed his appearance was planned. He stepped behind the podium, laughing and adjusting his hair. He grabbed the flower off his lapel and threw it to the audience, and a flock of teenage girls caught it. Jack winked at them, and one of them fainted.

"It's a pleasure to meet you all. You're all probably wondering where your old mediator, Geoff Johns, is! Well, we did a little switcheroo. Now, he's mediating the Suicide Squad panel with that devilishly handsome guy, Jared Leto, and I'm doing this thing! As for Suicide Squad's original mediator, well, he's... occupied. So, let's begin this panel with a few basic questions!"

"Jack, what are you doing here?" Ben asked, whispering from the cast table.

"I'm the mediator. And now, all the fans want to know... Is Gordon going to get a moustache?"

Ben sat in his seat, bewildered. "What?"

"I mean, Gordon has a moustache in the comics. Bullock has a moustache in the comics _and_ the show! Gordon needs a moustache. Are you just not able to grow a moustache, and you worked the budget too far and you can't buy a fake one?"

"Umm, I feel as if this is a-"

"Oh, that's right! I have to do introductions!" Jack laughed, playfully slapping his forehead. "Bad Jim, distracting me with your moustache stories."

"YOU WERE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP AND I WAS JUST-"

"Yeah, we're running too late for introductions. Anyway, let's talk about Barbara. Now... Erin Richards, how are you feeling after falling out of that window?"

Erin Richards at the end of table laughed, flattered, and said, "It's a funny story actually. Ben and I were filming that scene, and I was strapped onto this harness to keep me from falling, and-"

"Whoa! Whoa, wait a second." Jack yelled, making the entire room freeze. "You're British?"

Erin smiled and talked in her normal British accent. "Yes, I am, actually. I was born in Penarth in-"

"Why did you hide this from us?!" Jack screamed. "You have any idea how sexy British accents are?! Use that in the show, and you're my favorite character."

"Oh." Erin blushed. "Well... thank you, I think."

Jack did a little bow, threw his head back and laughed, and crawled up on his podium to talk to David.

"Now, David Mazouz, little Bruce Wayne, Do you realize that you're living every fourteen year old boy's dream? I mean, seriously."

David, sitting in the middle of the table, was taken aback a bit, but smiled at his new mediator. "Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's definitely powerful. I think everyone has at one point or another wanted to be a superhero, and on a show like Gotham, I really get to-"

"No, not being Batman, stupid!" Jack laughed, almost falling off the podium while laughing. "I meant every fourteen year old boy's dream of having Camren Bicondova and Natalie Alyn Lind fighting over them!"

"Oh." David said, confused. "Well, I don't really think of it as fighting, I think of it more as they want different things for Bruce, and of course Silver has-"

"Which one do you think is prettier?"

David paused for a long time waiting for someone to intervene, and no one said anything. "Pardon?"

"Between Camren Bicondova and Natalie Alyn Lind, which one do you think is hotter?"

"Ummm..." David looked on both sides of himself for help. No one said anything. Camren and Natalie were about to say something, but they stayed quiet, equally interested in their co-star's answer. David stuttered for a while, and finally muttered something no one could hear.

"He said Camren!" Jack cheered, and half the audience applauded and shouted in joy.

"What?" David panicked. "I didn't say-"

"If you didn't say Camren, you must have said Natalie!" Jack smirked, and the other half of the audience cheered and clapped.

"No, I didn't-"

"Too late to take it back. Now, let's go to the audience for some fan questions. Harley, bring up the first few question-ees!"

In the front of the audience, a fourteen-year-old girl with blonde hair in pigtails and a red and black miniskirt waved to her boyfriend at the podium and pulled up some people from the audience to come up to the microphone.

"Don't be shy, guys." Harley cheered for people to come up. "They're really nice. The worst they've ever done to my Puddin' is call security."

"Bring'em up, Harley!" Jack cheered, as Harley turned the microphone on and handed it to the first audience member. Jack grinned and asked, "What's your name, fellow fan?"

"FanWriter83!" the fan yelled, making the cast stare at her confused.

"Wait, that's your name?" Donal asked, staring perplexed from the cast table.

"Yep." FanWriter83 said.

"Your actual name is FanWriter83?"

"Right."

"So, on your birth certificate, it says FanWriter83?"

Jack interrupted, laughing and turning to FanWriter83. "What's your question?"

"This is for Bruno Heller and Danny Cannon." she smiled sweetly, turning to the two producers of Gotham. "You know, there's a huge fandom entirely built on BatCat? They're probably the best couple on the show. There are a bunch of fanfictions about them and everything."

"Yes, we've seen them." Danny said. "We always have a lot of fun shooting those scenes."

"Then why do you keep breaking our hearts?!" FanWriter83 screamed. "All we want is like one scene where Selina and Bruce are doing cute, happy things together, and now they Bruce hates her! Why is Silver even there? Theo could've not had Silver and just used the parent's killer identity thing from the start! Do you read any BatCat fanfiction? That's what we want! Okay, I'm calm now." FanWriter83 calmly sat back down in her seat, and Harley gave her a Gotham season one DVD set as a participation gift. After, another girl came up, and Harley gave her the microphone.

"What's your name?" Jack asked politely.

"Nova." the girl smiled. "This question is for Michael Chiklis."

"Wait, that's a name?" Donal asked. "An actual name?"

"Go ahead." Michael said.

"Why do you look like an egg?"

"NEXT!" Michael yelled, not in the mood for yet another humpty-dumpty joke. Harley gave Nova a handshake and a Gotham season one DVD set, and sat her back down.

Jack gave the cue for the next fan question, and a boy came up to the microphone and said, "Hi, my name's TEDOG."

"Okay, are these people for real?" Donal asked. "Your actual name, like the name that'll be on your driver's licence and your library card is TEDOG?"

"Yep." TEDOG said. "I was wondering what your favorite set on the show is."

Donal sighed, "That's it? You're not going to ask something weird and ridiculous like who the hottest cast member is or why Michael Chiklis looks like an egg? You just want to know our favorite sets?"

"That's what I thought I said."

"And you're not going to twist it around to be weird and bizarre and be like what we would do if that set got destroyed? It's just a straight, simple question on what our favorite set is?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I guess my favorite set is-"

"Sorry, we're out of time." Jack grinned, throwing his head back and laughing. "Now, we're onto the games!"

"What?" David asked.

Jack smiled at David and beamed, "Thanks for volunteering, David! Now, it's time for Dating Time with David Mazouz! Harley, cue the spotlight!"

"Wait, I don't think I'm comfortable with-"

"Eenie meenie minie moe, who's gonna win a date with this charming young man who looked way better before he got a haircut?! Come on, pick a pretty one, she's got to compete with Natalie Alyn Lind, who's David's favorite!"

"She's not my favorite!" David yelled.

Jack sighed, "So you think Camren's hotter? You have got to make up your mind here."

The spotlight hovered around the audience, flashing back and forth between random girls in the audience when it started to slow down, slower and slower, and finally stopped on a fan named Nova. She blushed shyly, completely shocked, and David looked over at her hesitantly.

"Come on, David!" Jack cheered. "Go over there and kiss her or something!"

David looked over to his cast mates for help, but they all didn't know what to do. Beside him, Camren shrugged and said, "Well, you _did_ volunteer."

"I didn't volun-" David whisper-shouted at her, before throwing up his arms and accepting his date. Besides, he didn't think she was the _worst_ looking girl in the world.

He slinked down to the audience while the crowd and cast waited anxiously to see what he was going to do. With a confused sigh, David knelt down and tenderly held Nova's hand, shyly kissing it and forcing her into a shy giggle.

"Aw, those two are so cute together!" Jack boomed over the microphone, breaking the silence and making everyone in the room jolt up. "As a special comic-con exclusive, we're paying for you two to go on a date to some kind of restaurant! And by 'we're paying,' we mean Ben Mckenzie is paying."

Ben suddenly jolted around and felt his empty pocket where his wallet once was.

"I guess I could go for pizza." Nova shrugged, still shocked at what was happening.

"I like pizza too." David said.

"Huh." Nova smiled, skipping off happily with her new date.

"Awww." Jack sighed. "Well, it's time for the next part of this panel, where we show special clips from future episodes and tell you guys exclusive information and stuff!"

"Wait, no!" The cast yelled, as Jack cued up the big screen behind him, and the clip started.

* * *

 _"_ _Ha!" Captain Barnes laughed, standing over Jim Gordon with a knife. "I knew you'd figure out that I killed Bruce Wayne's parents, and Lee is dead because of me, and everything has worked out the way I wanted it to!"_

 _Jim grunted, "But how did you bring Jerome back to life? Is he helping you take over Gotham with your super-powered army of warriors?"_

 _"_ _It is true! Firefly has come back to life and can now shoot fire out of her hands! It is true that Selina Kyle has been shrunk because of me and Barbara has lost all her memory, but it'll all be worth it once I, Nathaniel Barnes, am King of Vaudeville!"_

 _Then, at that moment, Edward Nygma with his new dreads and superhero suit, came bursting through the door, his eyes sparkling with electrical energy. "Drop the knife, egg-head! Or you're going to end up dead, just like Theo and Penguin!"_

 _The evil Barnes laughed, "You won't beat me, Nygma. Not when I activate the zombie Kristen Kringle!"_

 _"_ _Do that, and I'll never tell you where I hid your secret daughter!"_

 _"_ _What have you done with Silver, you monster?"_

 _"_ _She's with her secret brother, Bruce Wayne!"_

 _"_ _They're siblings?! That is so wrong! I guess now they'll never date each other, and BatCat will forever be the ultimate OTP. You know, once we un-shrink Selina Kyle and bring her back from the future."_

 _Then, the entire room exploded, killing everyone. Then, Barbara stood up over the wreckage, laughing at her victims, and grinning, "I told you I was the show's best character."_

* * *

Jack grinned proudly as the cast slapped their foreheads and Bruno Heller put a confused look on his face.

"Well, like the exclusive clip?" Jack asked the audience. "I can't wait to see it go viral on Facebook!"

"That's not happening." Bruno growled.

Ben gasped, "Wait, we're not? We shot that scene for nothing? And we weren't getting paid?!"

"You called in and told us to shoot the scene because you were sick!" Sean whined.

Bruno sighed, "Okay, who was holding the camera while you were doing this?"

Robin held up his hand.

"Okay, Robin, you are officially banned from touching the cameras on set ever again. And second, how did you copy my voice, Jack?"

"It's not hard." Jack shrugged. "Just make your voice raspy, low, and British. Try it, everyone!"

Bruno Heller hid his face, embarrassed, as the audience and the rest of the cast started trying out bad low-pitched, British accents.

"Okay, guys, I think we're out of time here." Jack said sadly. "But remember, watch Gotham Mondays on FOX. Soon, you'll see my name in the writer's section! Now, I'm going to leave you with a huge spoiler about the future... Barbara dies at the end!"

"Barbara doesn't die." Bruno growled.

"Barbara lives through the season!" Jack beamed. "That's going to trend over Facebook in minutes! Now, goodbye everybody, and remember. Frowning takes more effort than smiling, so just smile, laugh, and do something funny every day. When we see something funny, we want to do something else funny, and someone else will see it, and soon, the whole world will be laughing! Ha! Harley, get the car, we're going to blow this-"

The door swung open, and everyone's head turned at once to see David Mazouz holding hands with Nova and smiling, "Hey guys! This is my new girlfriend Nova."

"Aw." Nova sighed, kissing his cheek.

Jack grinned proudly. "Told you you'd thank me later."

 **Props go to FanWriter83, TEDOG, and Chaos Supernova for making special guest appearances in this chapter! Go check them out, they are all amazing writers and you are so stupid if you don't follow each and every one of them! Many more parodies coming soon, so stay tuned, and thanks for your support!**


	6. Cause Gotham, Now We Got Bat Blood

**Hi, I really hope you guys don't care how long these things are. Some of the episodes are packed with everything, and some of them are just about catching one bad guy, and how they manage to fit them into equal length episodes, I still don't know, but I'm just warning you. The Son of Gotham was a pretty packed episode.**

The cast of Fox's Gotham was lazing around in the script reading room, playing around. The door was wide open, since they knew Jack was going to come, possibly with his girlfriend, and the cast was okay with it. There was only a certain amount of anger you could have towards a person before it turned into mild annoyance.

Ben and Donal were throwing a ball back and forth across the room. Erin was checking her social media, and tweeting, "In the studio chilling, want a mocha." David was casually flirting with his new girlfriend from ComicCon, Nova, who was shooting jealous glares at Natalie Alyn Lind. Just to make it more sinister, Robin Lord Taylor had given Nova his cat for the weekend, and she was stroking it sinisterly in her lap.

"Hey, guys?" Camren asked. "I don't think Bruno is going to show up. Should we just start this ourselves?"

Morena shrugged. "I guess. Okay, Ben starts."

"The door is open? I'm flattered." Jack grinned, riding on Harley's shoulders as the two of them slinked into the room. "You've given up trying to keep me out? Oh, hi, Nova. If you wouldn't mind, this is a place of business, so I'm going to have to ask you and your cat to leave for the time being."

Nova growled and glared at Natalie. After, she picked up Robin's cat and kissed David on the cheek, walking out of the room and back to the car.

"Nice girl you've got there." Harley smiled at David.

Jack shrugged and said, "Okay, now this episode is called, 'The Son of Gotham," so I want you all to imagine your characters as- okay, who cares. Harley will give you your scripts, and we start with some Asian lady in an – yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you guys about your use of Asian characters, 'cause that could be deemed offensive by some people. Anyway, the Asian lady's in the alley..."

* * *

 _"_ _A woman is being chased down a dark alley by a criminal, the scum of Gotham's nefarious underbelly. There's a rock beneath her foot, and she trips, stumbling down on the floor with a pained crack in her knee, marking the end of her ability to fight back. Like a vulture, the criminal grabs the woman's purse when she's at her weakest and holds up a knife, malice in his eyes._

 _"'_ _Please, don't hurt me!' The woman cries, barely audible over her hysteric sobbing._

 _"_ _The criminal laughs in her face and stares into the shiny knife, looking at his slick reflection in the metal. Then, there's a whooshing sound on the rooftops of the alley, almost like bat wings. Out of nowhere, the criminal is snatched backwards into an alley by a dark figure, that the woman barely makes out to be wearing a black cape and a cowl over his head, with two pointed ears on his head. She knows not what she just witnessed, but surprisingly, on the walk home, she feels just a little bit safer on the streets of Gotham."_

"Okay, that is not how it happened." the brown hooded monk growled at his friend, clutching the shoulders of the newly caught criminal.

"Yeah it is!" the black hooded monk grinned. "I was a hero! Someone should do that someday."

"There is no someday because we're trying to destroy this city, doofus!" the brown hooded monk sighed. "And how do you know this guy is a descendant of the Kane family?"

"What?"

The brown hooded monk had trained his body not to feel physical pain, but his friend's stupidity was giving him a serious headache. "The richest families that created Gotham? We're supposed to get one of each. You know, the Waynes? The Crowns? The Kanes?!"

"Ohhhh, the Kane _family!_ Okay, I thought you meant _cane_ family."

"Wait, what does that even mean?"

"Well, I scoped out this guy's house and he had a bunch of canes in his house that were in a vase, so I assumed they were a family of canes, and he owns them, so I thought we could-"

The brown hooded monk massaged his forehead much harder than a normal person would, and the criminal who had a vase in his house full of canes ran away to his precious cane collection, and his roommate, whose name was Richard Kane.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Officer Gordon. Forget your umbrella?" Theo Galavan smirked. "I thought visiting hours were over. But what are rules to the man who arrested the mayor of Gotham?"

Jim didn't say anything. All he did was sit down and stare the madman in the face, studying his evil glare.

"Are you going to tell me why you're here, or are we just going to stare at each other?"

Still nothing. Jim didn't want to say anything more to the psychopath than he absolutely needed to.

"Okay, you're really creeping me out now. I like girls, by the way." Theo said.

Jim started to realize how creepy he was being and started to talk. "Eduardo Flamingo killed an officer. Does her name mean anything to you?"

Theo shrugged. "What was the name?"

"... That's not important." Jim growled.

"Come on, don't tell me you don't know the-"

"I'll see you in court, where you'll be put away for ten years. Gordon out!"

 **(GOTHAM –** ** _dunh-dunh dunh-dunh dunh-duhhhhhhhhh_** **)**

"This isn't going to work." Selina sighed, staring out over the school she would never step foot in. "This girl is a world-class liar from a family of world-class liars. She'll see through you, or her uncle will."

Bruce, standing beside her, looked down at the grass he was standing on. "That's very possible."

"And...?" Selina waited for a reaction. Deep down, she wondered what was wrong with that kid. "They're only playing nice with you because they think you trust them. Once they see you don't, it'll get ugly."

"Your logic is flawless, Selina." Bruce said.

"Okay, I can only take so much dorkiness from one person. You're wearing that uniform, and you're acting all macho, and I can only take one of them, so either drop the act, or take off your clothes. I'm good either way. And don't pretend you're not comfortable with that. I watch through the window of your room when Silver comes over."

Bruce looked over at Selina, a bit scared. "You saw our last movie night?"

"Actually, I just made that up to freak you out, but now that we're on the subject, we're going to revisit this movie night thing later."

Bruce looked back at the school and noticed Silver St. Cloud's uncharacteristically though realistically black car driving through the crowded street with the driver honking his horn telling kids to get out of the way, while the school band played her in.

"That's Silver's car." Bruce said. "You'd better-" he looked over to his side and found he was talking to nobody. His attention went back over to Silver across the street, who was holding up a middle finger in his direction. Bruce was scared momentarily that she was aware of his suspicion, but soon realized he was standing behind a tree and out of Silver's line of vision. He looked around for a second, wondering what Silver was flipping off, and found Selina at the top of a tree, sticking her tongue out at Silver and doing other inappropriate though equally rude things directed at Silver. Eventually, Silver ran out of rude gestures to share with Selina that she could do in public, and ran into the school at the time Selina was about to show her a full moon. Bruce ran in after her to get to class.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Alvarez, call the morgue." Jim said, walking through the precinct. "See if any bodies showed up matching Gertrude Cobblepot. She's not missing. Galavan killed her."

"Since when are you my boss?" Alvarez asked.

Jim shot Alvarez a dirty look, just intimidating enough to get him to check the morgue for Gertrude Cobblepot's body. After, Jim went up the stairs to the balcony to meet his partner Bullock. Detective Bullock was at his work desk shuffling some files and pretending to do work.

"Turn up anything from the symbol we found at the penthouse?" Jim asked.

Bullock shook his head. "Nah, I'm waiting on Father Mike up at St. Bart's. Sent him the cassock too, he's into all that religious mumbo-jumbo. What exactly are we after here?"

"You really started an investigation without knowing what you were looking for?"

"I'm not getting paid for the inquiry, Jim." Bullock kept looking through the files. "You want someone interested, go tell that egg-head Barnes. That guy's noggin is gigantic and it sure as hell isn't filled with thoughts." Bullock started laughing, and Jim sighed.

"Bullock, you shouldn't-"

"Aw come on! Don't worry, he's gone. We can smile at work again. You'd think that he could do something at work other than write stuff and yell, 'LAW IS GOOD AND CRIME IS BAD, ARGHHHHHHAAAAA,'"

"He's behind you." Jim said sheepishly, as Bullock turned around and saw the scowling face of Captain Barnes staring him in the face.

"Aw, come on." Bullock growled, picking up his gluten-free recipes and pretending they were police files.

Barnes was walking with a cane to aid his newly stabbed leg. His attitude hadn't changed though, as he turned to Jim and said, "I got something for you. Munis found a dead body down by the port – throat cut from ear to ear. The vic's a career dirtbag, but work's the same."

That did not make Jim happy. "Sir, if it's all the same, I'd like to stay on Galavan."

Barnes sighed, "Jim, I've been meaning to talk to you about your work ethic. I looked through your file. Remember when you started here, you were on the Wayne murders case, and you blew off every single case you had while you investigated?"

"That was complicated, sir."

"And remember when you were so hell-bent on taking down the Maniax that you blew off every case for a month?"

"What about it?"

"What I'm saying is... Detective Alvarez has been on screen this season for exactly thirteen seconds, and he's already done more actual police work than you. Seriously, he tracked down and found Aaron Helzinger, he's investigating Gertrude Cobblepot's disappearance, he single-handedly stopped the return of Fish Mooney and her army of crocodile men, and all you've done so far is get Barbara to Arkham, and even that wasn't handled particularly well."

"I caught that Zaardon guy from before!" Jim whined.

Barnes made an uncomfortable groaning sound. "Actually, he died two minutes after he entered Arkham, so consider that a fail. Investigate the perp, no Galavan, understand?"

"Yes, cap." Jim sighed with a sad whimper in his voice. When Barnes hobbled away into his office and shut the door, Bullock came back up to Jim and smiled.

"Yo, Jim! Got a lead from Father Mike. That symbol is from something called the Order of St. Dumb-ass, or at least it was spelled that way. They used to have an abbey downtown."

Jim looked up at Bullock sadly. "Barnes said I don't focus enough and I need to complete an actual case."

"Oh." said Bullock, a bit surprised. "So we're not going to the Chinese Slap-Slap joint?"

"No, we're totally going."

"Let's go get lucky!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Your uncle made me an offer," Bruce said, sitting on the park bench next to Silver. "The name of my parent's killer in exchange for my shares of Wayne Enterprises. I said no, but circumstances have changed."

"You're going to sell?" Silver asked.

Meanwhile, at the top of an overlooking tree, Selina sat herself comfortably between the boughs and was watching the conversation, making sure nothing went wrong. She didn't know what Silver was capable of yet.

"No." Bruce sighed.

Silver looked confused, "Well then-"

"Your uncle was arrested and his assets were frozen. Tell him I'll pay for his defense and in exchange, he gives me the name."

Selina looked proudly over Bruce. It was going well. He was doing exactly what she told him to do, and it was going to be hard to screw it up at that point. From where she was, Silver looked genuinely moved. As the conversation went on, there was a pain in Silver's eyes that Selina looked upon with relish. Then, suddenly, someone from behind touched Selina's shoulder, and she darted around to find Ivy Pepper sitting in the tree with her.

"Ivy?" Selina asked. "What are you doing here?"

"You're not the only one who gets to stalk Bruce while he's wearing his cute tie." Ivy said. "Who's he talking to? I thought you already called dibs."

"Ivy, beat it! You're going to ruin the plan!"

"What plan? Is it to get Bruce some friends who are guys? Because hanging out with just girls is not healthy for a young boy like that."

"Ivy, I'm serious. We're in the middle of a complicated plan here, so keep your voice down."

"Hey, wait, I know her!" Ivy beamed, looking down at Bruce and Silver. "That's Silver St. Cloud. She's rich and powerful and super hot. Ha! Have fun competing with that. Hi, Silver!"

Silver's brow twitched, and she would've looked up and ruined the plan if Bruce hadn't done some quick thinking and smashed his lips onto hers. Silver's eyes widened in surprise, but soon returned to normal as she returned the kiss. She was still curious as to who called her name though, and her head tilted to the side to look around. Bruce, seriously panicking at the moment, pushed her on her back and caressed her arm with his hand, kissing her even more heatedly. The two of them eventually rolled off the bench and onto the ground, where they made out with each other and Silver forgot about the voice calling her name.

Back in the tree, Ivy patted Selina's head in sympathy, said, "I'm sorry for your loss of that kid, but let me know if he's available again." and jumped off the tree bough back onto the ground, disappearing into the forest. Selina, meanwhile, was stuck watching uncomfortably as the two made out on the ground.

For a second, Silver's mouth lifted off of Bruce's when she breathed, "I'll call you after I talk to him." Bruce attempted to get off of her, but Silver was not done, jumping back on the poor boy and licking the inside of his mouth, running her fingers through his hair and making Selina wonder what kind of frack-job school allowed this.

 **(IT'S GOIN' UP, I'M YELLIN' SKYLINE...)**

Bullock and Jim walked up reluctantly to the old Chinese massage parlor that actually performed very little massaging, if you know what I mean. Jim sighed in exasperation and looked over to his partner.

"Bullock, are you sure this is the place?" Jim asked.

Bullock shrugged. "Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't 56th street? Sorry, my bad, but as long as we're here, I guess we can-"

There was a loud scream from inside the parlor, and a bunch of half-naked Asian women ran outside screaming and crying. Jim reached for his gun. "Hey, Harvey, you were right after all! Good job, buddy."

"Goddammit." Bullock growled, reaching for his gun and running after his partner. Inside the parlor, Jim carefully stalked the inside, his eyes landing on the body of an old Chinese man with a slit on his throat, exactly the same as the victim from before. Jim looked around himself warily, scanning for whoever killed the man when suddenly, he was thrown into the wall and fell through to the other side, a monk in a black hood standing over him. The hooded man was holding a knife and was about to strike, and Jim had no choice. He had to fight.

Meanwhile, Bullock was investigating the other wing of the parlor and found a steam massage chair in the corner. He shrugged off the mission, jumped in the chair, and put on headphones to listen to music, completely oblivious to the sounds of pained grunting and crashing in the other wing as Jim fought the monk.

Finally, the fight had forced Jim and the monk outside, where Jim had found his handgun and was aiming it straight at the monk. He was cornered, but still with a knife in hand.

"Drop the knife!" Jim yelled, cocking his gun.

The monk was unfazed. "The day of reckoning is at hand. The blood of the nine shall wash away the sin."

"Who are you? What's your connection to Galavan?"

In the distance, Jim could hear a car coming closer just as the monk stepped out onto the street. "And Gotham will be cleansed," the monk sneered, dropping the knife on the ground and standing completely still.

The car came by on the street and came to a complete stop right in front of the monk. The driver rolled down the window and scowled, "Hey, stupid hippie! Get off the road!" The driver honked his horn and shouted a stream of profanities before finally turning to Jim. "Is he your friend?"

Jim sighed, "Oh no, I'm trying to arrest this guy."

"You're a cop?!" The driver yelped. Faster than any mortal man had ever done anything, the driver ran the monk over and drove away as fast as his car allowed him, yelling "You'll never catch me, copper!"

 **(ENILYKS FO TOHS)**

The school bell rang, and Bruce started down the stairs at the front of the school with the other kids. He was halfway down the stairs when his cell phone vibrated, and he saw it was Silver St. Cloud. He picked up the phone and stood in the middle of the stairs to hold his conversation, while the kids trying to walk around him gave him dirty looks.

"Bruce, it's Silver. I just saw my uncle. He agreed to your deal. Meet me across the way after school."

Bruce looked over at his car waiting across the street. Alfred was standing at the car holding a pair of Bruce's running shoes and smirking evilly. Well, Bruce wasn't falling for that one a second time. He snuck around the trees so Alfred wouldn't see him and found the street where Silver said she was going to be.

Instead, he was treated to the sight of Silver St. Cloud, with a gag in her mouth and her hands tied behind her back, being stuffed in a van. The driver of the van was an old man with a white goatee and a black suit.

In his thick Italian accent, the man said, "Don't scream. Don't run. Just get in, or we kill the girl."

Despite the warnings of a sobbing blonde debutante, Bruce got in the van and the man drove off out of town. Meanwhile, a teacher in the teacher's lounge who had just witnessed an old man with a pedo-beard kidnapping a little girl and a pre-pubescent boy went back to drinking his coffee. It was Gotham city, after all.

 **(DECK THE HALLS WITH SHOTS OF SKYLINE, FA-LA-LA-LA-LA)**

Ed was sitting at his work desk filing some papers when his cell phone rang. Of course, it was his house guest, Oswald Cobblepot, with another question on how to operate the toilet.

"Again? Did you try jiggling the handle?" Ed asked, in a loud whisper as to not let anyone know he was housing Gotham's most wanted criminal. "Well, what did you put down it?"

"I'll take care of it, just... where did you put the plunger?" Penguin sighed.

Ed thought for a while. "I have two wings and a mouth, but do not eat or fly. What am I?"

"You know what, maybe this is why you have no friends. I mean, if no one can understand you, how do you expect people to talk to you?"

"I'm just really busy with work. Can't you just find something to do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you think it's easy being a stay-at-home convict? I have to cook, and clean, and take care of the house, and you're out all day long at the GCPD at work, and I worry about you, you know? You're always so stressed and you're gone all day! I miss you."

Ed took a deep breath. "It's okay. How about I make reservations at Chez Parnes later tonight? We'll spend some quality time together."

"Okay."

"Hey, Ed." Lee smiled, walking up to his desk with some files. Ed quickly shut off his phone and hid it in the corner of his desk, not wanting her to see who he was talking to. Lee ignored it. "This is the autopsy on the dead monk, Jim wants you to run toxicology."

Ed took the files and quickly skimmed through them. "Thank you, Doctor. Is that all?"

"Yes." Lee smiled, turning away, but soon remembering a question that had been lingering in her mind for a while. "No. Was that Kristen you were talking to? It sounded like you were talking to someone in your apartment, and who besides –"

"I was talking to my plumber." Ed said quickly.

Lee hesitantly said, "Oh. Well have you heard from Kristen? I know she said she was sick, I was thinking of stopping by-"

"As it happens, she lied to us. She went out of town with Officer Dougherty. And one of Galavan's executives named Leonard and some random camper from the woods, so that should explain all their disappearances. It does, right?"

Lee shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. I don't know who Leonard is, but he sounds like a fun dude." She walked off back to her lab, leaving Ed to go back to his work. He didn't go far when his phone vibrated again and he picked it up, finding it was Penguin again.

"Ed?" Penguin asked meekly. "We're the city's best bromance, right?"

Ed thought for a bit. "I don't know. Jim and Bullock have some pretty shippable moments."

"Ed?!"

Ed sighed, "Yep, we're the city's best bromance."

"Yes!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Bruce woke up in an abandoned warehouse, with his hands tied behind his back. Silver was tied up in a chair beside him, also tied up and sobbing erratically. While he was unconscious, he heard the men that kidnapped them coming in and heard the leader being called the Knife.

"Silver, are you okay?" Bruce whispered. "What happened-"

Then, the Knife walked in. He towered over them with a knife in his hand, sneering a sickening grin as he stared over his helpless victims.

Bruce scowled, "You have one chance. You let us go, or-" was all he had time to say before the Knife drew back his hand and struck Bruce across the face, making Silver whimper in fear.

"You talk when I tell you." The Knife growled, quickly turning back to his sinisterly cheerful demeanor. "Now, just so you know, we are currently in one of Gotham's rentable abandoned warehouses, perfect for all your supervillain torturing and murdering needs." The Knife turned to face the camera and smiled, "Rent a warehouse for three months, and get the first month free! KnifeCo. –renting abandoned warehouses to supervillains since 1895."

"You work for the people inside Wayne Enterprises." Bruce said. "Whatever they're paying you, I can-"

Once again, Bruce was slapped across the face, and the Knife groaned, "Can you not follow instructions? Let me guess. Your teachers hate you? Now, my source tells me you are thinking of selling your company shares to the uncle of this one?" the Knife circled his finger over the terrified-looking Silver. "That's not good, but not why we're here. The issue is someone's been nosing into the deaths of Thomas... and poor Martha Wayne. I wonder who? Hmmm... kidding. We know it was blondie's uncle." The Knife's pointed mouth curled into an evil grin. "So, I've been tasked to find out what dear old Uncle told little Bruce Wayne."

"Nothing." Bruce growled. "Galavan didn't tell me anything."

The Knife gave Bruce an angry growl. Bruce took the cue, slid his hand out of his bindings, slapped himself with it, and slid it back into the rope.

"Okay, in a minute, I'm going to drag one of you into the back and start cutting off your fingers." The Knife sneered. "So unless you're really into wearing mittens, this is your last chance. What does Galavan know?"

"He knows a lot of things." Bruce said. "He knows that goatees are out of fashion, unlike _some_ people."

"I'm going to enjoy cutting your fingers off the most." The Knife smiled, and dragged Bruce's chair out towards the door to the soundtrack of two pleading and crying children.

"No, wait! Stop!" Bruce yelled, his brave face now gone. "Silver, please. You have to tell him, I'll keep my end of the deal, I promise."

Silver knew she would break Bruce, but there was no other choice. "He didn't tell me anything. I was supposed to keep you busy until this afternoon."

"What? This can't be true!"

"It's true. There's lipstick and perfume in my backpack. It's your favorite scent, and I have tickets to your favorite band."

"Which band?"

"Against the Current."

"MY FAVORITE BAND IS THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS!"

Then, the Knife dragged Bruce into the back room, where there were some sounds of fingers being snipped off.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Just when you think Gotham's shown you her last jewel, she reveals herself like a flower." Bullock sighed, clambering down the ladder into the sewers after the eager Jim Gordon.

"That metaphor doesn't even make sense." Jim growled, putting his feet down into the sewage with a disgusted face.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to come up with a quip?"

"No."

Jim and Bullock wandered down the sewer, following the clues from their files and what Father Mike had told them. The clues lead them to an open area of the sewer that shouldn't have been there, where a pedestal stood and a dead corpse lay at the foot of it with a cross of blood drawn on his forehead. Bullock came closer to investigate, and he found that the dead person was the perp from before that Barnes mentioned.

Suddenly, a monk came from behind and tackled Bullock, jumping on him. Out of pure instinct, Bullock, turned and threw the monk into the nearby pillar, making it crumble and knocking out the monk.

As the ceiling began to crumble, Bullock turned up and pleaded for it to stay up, while Jim kneeled down to look over the unconscious monk.

"He needs an ambulance." Jim said.

Bullock sighed, "I'll call, but there's no signal down here. I'll have to go up."

"Ha ha, oh no you're not." Jim laughed. "Last time we did this, you ditched me in a sewer for six hours while you went to get hot dogs with Ed. This time, I'm going upside, and you're watching the monk. We're not having a repeat of the great Selina Kyle Sewer incident."

"Well why did she have a pen?" Bullock asked.

"It was your pen."

"What?!"

Jim grinned a bit. "And she dropped it in the sewer."

"WHAT?!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Well, if nothing else, today has given me a newfound respect for billionaire boys." The Knife grinned, cleaning his blade with a cloth. He walked back into the room with the tied up Silver, who started quietly sobbing after Bruce's screams faded away. What could that maniac possibly have done to poor Bruce?

"Did you kill him?" Silver asked, her voice a trembling whisper.

The Knife smirked. "Well, after I cut off his fingers, I shaved his head, I gave him an atomic wedgie, and I plucked his one armpit hair. That got him crying."

"The cute one?!"

"He only had one armpit hair. There was this speck of dust under his left arm, but I brushed it off."

"That was the other one!"

"Oh. That was not intentional. If I get arrested for this, I'm only guilty for one. Anyway, I don't like you. The Wayne kid, he had some sap. He didn't cry one bit, total pro. Also, everyone's totally wrong about his pecs, they are huge, and I'm not just saying this to get a tip. But arbitrarily hating you will prevent people from thinking I'm a pedophile. Anyway, come on. Off go your fingers."

It was up. Silver had to do whatever she needed to get out, even if it meant dropping her act. Almost immediately, her tears disappeared, and she scowled, "Touch me, and my uncle with have you gutted. Everyone you love will die screaming!"

The Knife laughed, "Oh no! Not _both_ my cats!"

"Are you deaf as well as ugly?" Silver growled. "Now untie my hands. There's a certain gesture I want to share with you."

"Well, I don't know who your uncle is. For all I know, he could be a mattress salesman, so I'm just gonna start cutting your fingers off. I'll leave your thumb so you can tell me if you're enjoying it, and your middle finger so you can tell me if you're not."

The Knife cut off the rope that was binding Silver's hand to the back of the chair and grabbed her hand, holding a knife up to her pinky just deep enough to cut the skin.

"Stop!" Silver screamed. "I'll tell you the name! It's Ether."

The Knife stopped to think. "That's a pretty common name."

"His first name starts with I. That's all I know, I swear."

The Knife grinned. "You know what? I believe you." He turned his head to the back and yelled, "Are we good?!"

Silver's eyes grew wide as she saw Bruce, completely fine with all his fingers still on his hands, walking into the room next to Selina Kyle. Bruce said, "Yes, we're good."

Selina sneered at the sight of the girl that had scorned her, tied up in a chair. "Remember me? The _gutter trash_?"

Bruce turned to the Knife and handed him a wad of cash. The Knife smiled, "Pleasure doing business with you. Sorry about the slaps."

"Don't be. I kind of liked it." Bruce smiled.

"You need professional help." The Knife took his henchmen and walked out of the room, on his way to buy a new sofa for his living room.

Silver stuttered confused. "Bruce, what's happening?"

"What does it look like, dummy?" Selina smirked. "We tricked you."

"You must have a million questions." Bruce said. "Allow me to tell you what happened with this flashback."

 **Approximately 24 hours ago...**

Bruce and Selina were sitting in the study of Wayne manor, thinking about Silver and what to do now that they both knew her evil plan.

"Okay, what about this?" Selina suggested. "We pretend to be her uncle on the phone and ask her what the name is. Good plan, right?"

Bruce shook his head. "It's 1993, Selina. We have caller ID now."

"Dang it." Selina cursed, going back to thinking. "Well, she's not going to say anything to us, so we need someone else. Someone threatening and able to get stuff out of people. You don't have any threatening uncles, do you?"

"Nope. Uncle Larry lives in an RV and has a foot fetish. Remind me not to visit him."

Selina sighed. "Well, when is the Italian food going to get here? I ordered an hour ago!"

"Well, when they asked you who you were, you said you were Martha Wayne. That might have something to do with the delay."

"Well that's who the membership card is signed out to!"

The doorbell rang, and Selina smirked. "I'll go get the food, and you keep thinking about who we can use to get the name off Silver." Selina jumped up, walked to the door and opened it, finding a man with a goatee holding the bags of Italian food she ordered. Selina immediately smiled at him and asked, "How'd you like to make fifty bucks?"

 **Back to Bruce, Selina, and Silver in the room...**

"I assumed Selina was going to have him deliver food to you and make you fill out a survey, but when she told me about this plan, I found it much more satisfying." Bruce said.

Silver pleaded, "Bruce, I don't-"

"Be quiet." Bruce interrupted.

"But you don't-"

"Talk to the hand."

"If you'd just let me finish-"

"That's what _she_ said. Come on, Selina. Let's go."

"Wait!" Silver reached out to Bruce, making him momentarily stop and turn around. "Wouldn't you want to know the killer's first name? It's Ierm."

"Ierm?"

"Yes. Ierm Ether."

"God dangit, Silver!" Bruce yelled. "Just tell me what you know!"

"I won't tell you anything about the Order of St. Dumas!"

Selina's eyebrow perked. "The Order of St. Dumas?"

Silver clasped her hands over her mouth. "I won't tell you anything else about Uncle bribing Mayor James!"

Bruce and Selina looked over at each other grinning, and walked away to go tell the cops about the Order of St. Dumas, while Silver was left behind screaming, "Bruce! Don't leave me alone! Bruce! How am I supposed to get back to the city?!"

Bruce threw a pair of running shoes at her. She didn't get the joke, but Bruce and Selina were both there when that happened first, and were on the ground snickering.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

After calling an ambulance for the monk, Jim went back down to the sewer to see what Bullock was up to. Apparently, the monk had woken up weak and delirious, and thought that Bullock was a fellow monk. Of course, Bullock was smart enough to play along to get information out of him.

"The blood of nine shall wash away the sin." The monk groaned. "I fulfilled my task, Brother. All we need now is the son."

"Yes." Bullock guessed. "I know who that is. But... why don't you tell me who it is so that I know that you know?"

The monk gasped, "Give me the blessing."

Bullock thought for a while what that was, then Jim gave him the hand signal of cutting his palm. Bullock whisper-yelled, "Aw, hell no!" and thought more. Finally, an idea popped into his head, and he started to unzip his pants.

"Bullock," Jim whisper-growled. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm giving him the blessing!"

"You're going to pee on his forehead?"

"Do you have a better idea?!"

Jim looked around, and finally took his water bottle out of his pocket, warm from his body heat. Jim opened it a bit and splashed a little water on the monk's forehead, shooting Bullock a look. Bullock returned the scowl and zipped his pants back up.

The monk sighed in relief and said, "The son of Gotham will die, and the city shall be cleansed."

Bullock nodded. "Yes. Now, if you were to name this son of Gotham, or maybe we can play twenty questions...? Okay, is he Detective Harvey Bullock?"

"No."

Bullock silently fist-pumped, and went back to questioning when he heard a cop coming down the stairs into the sewer yelling cop orders, which aroused the monk's suspicion.

"Who is that?"

Bullock struggled to find an excuse. "Umm... that's the pizza guy. We have a large ham and-"

"Ha!" The monk yelled. "The Order of St. Dumas are vegetarians!"

Bullock grimaced in disbelief. "You were just talking about killing the son of Gotham!"

"We're not going to eat him." The monk sassed, as a cop tased him in the face and dragged his body to the hospital.

 **(SHOT-IZZLE OF SKYL-IZZLE)**

Alfred Pennyworth, worried sick about the person he was supposed to protect and walking headlong into danger, had recently found Tabitha Galavan in her penthouse. Right away, he knew she had something to do with Bruce's disappearance. The two were locked in a heated conversation.

"He's not at home, he's not at school, my guess is he's with that snotty niece of yours."

"Come to think of it, I did see Silver drop a receipt for some condoms. Have fun looking."

"I see you're a bit of a player. As it were, Tabby, big bad Galavan barks orders and you run around bringing home dead rabbits because you're insecure with yourself and your social skills, so you follow around your brother because he's the only person you feel secure around and over-sexualize yourself to make yourself feel like you have some kind of power over anything, but really you're just a little girl looking for a way to make friends but doesn't know how because the only person you will open yourself to is too overbearing and does not let you be vulnerable to anyone else."

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

The doorbell rang, and the Knife (who was back to his day job as an Italian food delivery guy) walked into the penthouse with a bag of Italian food, saying, "Hiya, Tabs, that'll be $8.99."

 **(LINE SKY OF SHOT)**

In the court room, Captain Barnes was waiting in the jury impatiently for Jim to show up. The case had already started, with Aubrey James testifying against Theo Galavan. The judge sat at the podium and waited for the jury to quiet down before continuing. It started with Harvey Dent questioning his client.

"Mr. James, if you could begin by telling these people where you spent the month of October?" asked Harvey Dent.

The case was stopped when Jim Gordon stumbled into the room with Harvey Bullock, except Bullock was holding a bag of popcorn and wearing a baseball cap that said, "GO TEAM JAMES." He stumbled in and dropped popcorn on the floor as everyone stared at him, bewildered.

"Sorry, I had a thing." Bullock stuttered. "There's a guy in the front of the building selling James vs. Galavan merch. I didn't know if it was illegal or not, so... Don't mind me, just go on with your trial. The popcorn's good, you guys should try it."

Jim sat down with Barnes, trying to ignore his bumbling partner spilling popcorn on everyone. Bullock sat down next to Jim and said, "Okay, you can start again."

Mayor James took a deep breath and said out loud for everyone to hear, "Theo Galavan did not kidnap me."

The entire court gasped. One woman fainted. Theo grinned evilly and Bullock stopped the entire thing by yelling, "STOP!" everyone in the court turned to look at him. Bullock dropped his popcorn on the ground and calmly said, "Wait one second." Everyone waited as he left the room. Two minutes had passed, and finally, Bullock came back in completely the same, except he had ditched the "GO TEAM JAMES" baseball cap, and was now wearing a "GO TEAM GALAVAN" cap, complete with a Theo Galavan bobble-head. He sat back down next to Jim and calmly smiled, "You may proceed."

Mayor James sighed sadly, "Theo Galavan did not kidnap me. Oswald Cobblepot did. He hates Theo Galavan. He threatened me with terrible things."

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" a voice yelled from behind everyone. The entire room turned to find a little boy named Bruce Wayne and a little girl named Selina Kyle walking into the room, dragging Silver St. Cloud behind them in handcuffs.

"Who are you kids – who keeps letting these people in here?!" the judge complained.

"THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!" Selina yelled.

Bruce tried to calm her down and sighed, "Sorry, she watches too much reality TV. Anyway, Aubrey James is lying! We have a known associate of Theo Galavan's who says he kidnapped Mayor James."

Silver waved sheepishly to her uncle, who slapped his forehead as he felt his case slipping away.

Theo stood up and yelled, "Why should we believe a bunch of kids?"

"Why not?" Selina asked. "We already made an elf our mayor."

The entire court rumbled in excitement as everyone muttered their own variations of "Ohhhh, SNAP!" and "You done got roasted!" and "Do Bullock next!"

Theo Galavan lost his temper. Besides, he could still execute his plan with everyone in the room dead. He grabbed the gun that he smuggled into the courtroom and started shooting people left and right, lashing out in a frenzy of acrobatic fury. Everyone thought they were going to die. Then...

 _Bam!_ The ceiling exploded, and the court's eyes widened as they were treated to an epic three-way battle between Tabitha Galavan, Alfred Pennyworth, and the Knife. As the three fell through the air, they wrestled with each other trying to get the other ones to land on the ground. Tabitha finally landed on her feet on the ground, along with the Knife. Alfred flipped off the wall and skidded along the floor until he was at the base of the podium.

"I'll ask you one more time. Where's Master Bruce?!" Alfred yelled at Tabitha.

"I have no idea." Tabitha smirked, pulling her whip back out.

"I just need $8.99!" the Knife growled, pulling two daggers out of his coat. Once more, the three charged at each other and were locked in epic combat. Meanwhile, Silver used the distraction and elbowed Selina in the stomach and kicked Bruce in the nuts, expertly wriggling her handcuffs off and trying to run away. Selina jumped on her, and so began the epic fight between Silver, and Bruce and Selina. Chaos erupted in the room, and suddenly, Jim remembered Theo Galavan was there. Theo was still shooting down civilians left and right, and it was up to Jim and Captain Barnes to stop him. Meanwhile, Bullock was noshing on his popcorn and enjoying the best four bucks he'd ever spent.

Jim grabbed Theo's gun and threw it across the room, bringing his fist over and trying to punch Theo in the face. Theo was too experienced to let that happen. He grabbed Jim's arm and flipped him on his back. Barnes tried to assist with a gun, but Theo tripped Barnes onto the ground and stepped on his gun. Jim groaned and got up, staring Theo in the cold, evil eyes.

"We have a very small window." Theo grinned. "I have places to be and you have to die, but I imagine you have questions, so..."

"The monks?" Jim asked.

Theo nodded. "Shall I tell you a secret? Theo Galavan is a mask. My real name is Dumas, and my family built this city out of nothing, but we were betrayed, our legacy erased."

"Why are you telling me your evil plan when there's a chance I could escape?!" Jim yelled.

Theo scowled, "Because it sounds epic and you're going to die! I've literally talked about this plan like two million times, I'm surprised it hasn't slipped out before this. Literally everyone knows what my plan is. Barbara, Penguin, Butch, Tabby, Barnes,"

"Wait, who?"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU SO HARD!"

Meanwhile, Silver was showing off her surprisingly good fighting skills against Bruce and Selina. Bruce tried to come at her, but Silver kicked him in the face and slid under him, bringing him to the floor. Selina snaked up onto Silver's shoulders, trying to put her in a chokehold. Silver stumbled backwards, making Selina crash into the podium. Selina was still hanging on, and flipped herself so Silver went flying into a rack of chairs.

"What are you even mad about?!" Silver yelled to Bruce. "Technically, I didn't break any laws."

"You pretended to be my friend!"

"Really? You're mad about that? Ninety percent of teenagers in school have to deal with fake friends, and they don't send fake assassins after them. Haven't you seen Mean Girls?!"

Across the room, Tabitha was on Alfred's shoulders with her whip around his neck. Alfred fell over and flipped himself so he landed on Tabitha and punched her once she was on the ground. The Knife tackled the both of them, throwing them into a window and back onto the podium. The two rolled away quick enough to avoid being crushed by the falling podium.

"Master Bruce really was with your niece." Alfred growled. "You are going to pay for lying to me!"

Tabitha screamed, "You have no right to be in this!"

"I still need $8.99!" The Knife whined, bringing his dagger down on Tabitha and barely missing her forehead.

Silver was tackled across the room by Bruce. Jim slid across the floor after taking a right hook from Theo. Tabitha did a backflip over a chair to avoid Alfred's gunshot, and by the end, all the civilians had run away or were dead. Jim, Barnes, Alfred, Bruce, Selina, and the Knife were standing on one side of the room, all with their battle wounds and weapons. Theo, Tabitha, and Silver were on the other side, all ready to fight.

"You think you can beat the Order of St. Dumas?" Theo smirked.

"We won't let you win." Jim growled.

"Wait, who the hell are these kids?" Barnes asked, noticing Bruce and Selina with their respective gauntlets and whip, staring down Silver St. Cloud.

Theo laughed. "Silver? Tabitha? Get ready to kick their-"

In less than a second, the back doors burst open, and with a gust of wind, Penguin and Ed jumped in with their machine guns and pressed on the trigger, a torrent of bullets raining down on Theo, Tabitha, and Silver. Tabitha grabbed Silver and jumped out the window, but Theo was extremely dead after the first few seconds of gunfire. Penguin and Ed continued to fire for five, ten, fifteen seconds...

"Umm... Penguin?" Jim said. "I think they're-"

Penguin didn't hear. He and Ed were laughing over the sounds of their machine guns firing.

"Ed, they're dead. You can-" is what Selina tried to say. Ed didn't hear, since he was taking a selfies with Penguin while firing their machine guns at the dead bad guys.

"Penguin! Ed! They're dead already!" Bullock yelled. The machine guns had been firing for two and a half minutes straight, but Penguin and Ed were still going as they were discussing their dinner plans.

"I don't think they can hear us." Bruce said, approximately at the same time Penguin and Ed found out that they could make their guns shoot at different volumes, and were playing 'The Girl From Ipanema' on their machine guns, never abandoning the aim for the very dead Theo.

Finally, the guns ran out of bullets and the two dropped them on the ground in a 'Drop Da Mic' fashion. Penguin grinned, "Who's the best bromance ever?!"

"NYGMOBBLEPOT!" the two sang together, before walking back out, sharing a long good laugh. Bullock, who spent the entire time eating popcorn, was now extremely lethargic and had to go to the bathroom. The Knife reached into Theo's pocket and got his bullet-riddled though still very valid $8.99. Bruce and Selina rejoiced in their defeat of the evil Silver St. Cloud and went home to share a hot cocoa. Alfred and the Knife got coffee and found out they were in the army together. They became good friends. Ed was arrested for being friends with Penguin, but he responded with, "Since when is friendship illegal?" and sang with Penguin into the horizon. The Order of St. Dumas disbanded, and all the monks were given movie roles. While escaping, Silver fell into a well near Wayne Manor, and Bruce spent a very awkward and conflicting few hours deciding if he should save her. Penguin reclaimed his criminal empire and helped Ed start his own criminal gang called the Que$tion MarkZ and he became a supervillain. The Knife, between his Italian food business and his business renting creepy warehouses to supervillains, made enough money to buy Barnes a robot suit, and now he patrols the streets of Gotham as the Eggsterminator. Finally, Lee got tired of Jim ignoring her and married Bullock. The end.

* * *

The cast stared down their scripts, and believe it or not, some were nodding in agreement.

"I really like the ending." Michael Chiklis smiled.

David nodded. "And the Knife character has some potential."

Jack smiled ear-to-ear, "It warms my heart to find people that know a good script when they see one."

"You know what, Jack?" Camren asked. "Why don't you come with us to Burger King after this? You're basically a part of this now, aren't you?"

Jack touched his heart warmly. "I really appreciate that. But first, how about we get to production on this-"

Suddenly, a team of security guards burst in and yelled, "We found you!"

"NO!" Ben shouted. "It's okay. He's allowed to be here."

The security team sighed, "Yeah, but he's also wanted for twenty-nine counts of theft, eighty-two counts of attempted murder, twenty-seven counts of illegal sales, thirteen counts of assault with a deadly weapon,"

"Hey!" Jack grinned. "I counted at least twenty or thirty of that last one. You guys are terrible at your jobs." He leapt on Harley's back and the two of them laughed maniacally as they bolted out the window and drove away into the sunset. The cast of Gotham was left reading through their scripts, debating on whether or not they should make the episode. It was a surprisingly tough debate.

 **Thanks for reading! Worse than a Crime is next! Wait until you see what should have happened in Ed's apartment!**


	7. Much, Much, Much More Than One Crime

This morning, the cast was lounging around the reading table when Jack walked in through the front door, laughing with David, Natalie, and Camren. All four were holding Starbuck's cups and had bags of new clothes. Jack finished his coffee and grinned, "You guys are the best."

"Hey, you're the one who got us the free clothes." David smiled.

Jack shrugged. "Eh, you'll be surprised what people will do when there's a fake but very real-looking gun on their faces."

"So, what episode are we doing today?" Ben asked.

Jack smirked, bringing up his scripts from under the table. "You know, I'm surprised you guys' script writers even still bother. Don't they know about me?"

The cast shrugged, and Erin eagerly grabbed a script. "Ooh, this looks interesting."

"Thanks, Barbara. I call it... Worse than a Crime, but revised! Who wants to start?"

* * *

Bruce had just woken up when the bag was pulled off his head. He found himself in a familiar place, Galavan's penthouse, except now it had a sinister new meaning. Theo was standing over him with a sinister grin, ready to take a life without even thinking. Bruce was determined to put on a brave face. He would not let Theo get the better of him.

"I won't sell my company no matter what you do." Bruce said right away, as if on instinct.

Theo sighed. "I'm resigned to that. You're a very brave boy. I'll have to acquire your company by other means. Would you like to know my evil plan now?"

Bruce stuttered, "N-No, I really-"

"Well, if you keep asking, I'll tell you. My real name is Dumas, and I-"

"You know, you've said this exact thing like twenty times now." Tabitha sneered, walking in. "Seriously, remember the last time you ordered a pizza? 'My name is Dumas. I was cheated and my legacy was erased and I want to exact my revenge on this city. I'll have a large Hawaiian.'"

Theo growled, "Aren't you supposed to be hunting a butler or something?"

Tabitha groaned and got up, grabbing her whip and bringing two henchmen with her to the Gotham City dump. Theo turned back to Bruce and said, "Be thankful your parents died before they could give you a sister. Anyway, my real name is Dumas, and I-"

Theo was interrupted once again when his master, Father Creel walked in with a bowl of water. Father Creel dipped two fingers into the bowl of water and put his fingers on Bruce's forehead. He dragged them down his face, poked them into his nostrils, painted his eyebrows, and poked into his mouth and started feeling Bruce's teeth.

"Why is this dude molesting my face?" Bruce asked, when Father Creel took his fingers out of Bruce's mouth and stuck the wet fingers in his ears.

Theo slapped his forehead. "May I tell him my evil plan now?"

Father Creel finished poking Bruce's tongue and left the room. Bruce flexed his face uncomfortably, and Theo finally smiled, "My name is Dumas, and a long time ago, my family was dishonored and degraded by yours. For centuries, our clan has lived in-"

"It is time to bring Bruce Wayne to his cell." Father Creel said, coming back into the room.

Theo threw the book he was holding out the window in rage and sighed, "Just take him. I need some aspirin."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Lucius came out of the cave after four episodes of fixing the computer and eating only finger sandwiches. "Hey, guys? I finished fixing the hard drive! Guys? Where did you go? Well, I guess it's just me alone in this gigantic mansion."

Cut to scene of Lucius Fox throwing a house party and playing 'Just Dance' in his underwear.

 **(SHOT-ITY SHOT SHOT SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Jim Gordon was beginning to wake up after a night of being beaten unconscious by Galavan's men and being slapped thirty-seven times by Penguin. His vision was beginning to come back when he heard something that sounded like Ed and Penguin rapping, "I'm beginning to feel like a crime boss, crime boss, all my henchmen from the front to the back nod, back nod, Now who thinks their guns are long enough to slap box, slap box, they say I rap like a handgun so call me rap-shot, rap-shot,"

It was time for Penguin's rap solo. "But for me to rap like a penguin must be in my genes, I got a limp bad in my right pocket, My gun'll go off when I half-cock it, Got a fat knot from that crime profit, Made a living and a killing off it, ever since Don Falcone was still in office, with Sal Maroni feeling on his nutsack, I'm a penguin still as honest-"

Jim groaned and sat up, looking around at what was happening. Penguin turned to him and smiled, "Hi, Jim. I saved your life. Want to team up and take down Galavan?"

Jim sighed, looked around once again at what was going on, and responded, "What the f-"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

In Theo's penthouse, Theo stared out the window out at the city, looking over all the chaos and crime below him. It was all the fault of the Wayne family. When the Dumas family ruled Gotham, there was some class. Now it was a pit hole.

"Yes, brother. It's all yours." Tabitha smiled, walking up behind him and sitting down in an armchair. "For god's sake, smile."

"I am smiling." Theo growled, turning back to show Tabitha his usual scowl.

Tabitha's eyes widened. "Wow, okay then."

Theo looked up to find Silver walking into the room in her pyjamas, attempting a pitifully fake-looking cough. Silver had a thermometer in her mouth that she recently dipped in hot tea and coughed, "Uncle Theo? I'm fighting off a cold. Is it okay if I miss the ceremony?"

Theo sighed and said, "Okay, first off, if your arms got cut off and everyone you loved bursts into _flames_ , I wouldn't let you miss the ceremony. Second, you have a crush on Bruce Wayne, don't you?"

Silver's eyes widened. "N-No."

"Why does this happen every time I send someone to go trick someone else? What, you want to go on long walks on the beach with him? Splash water on each other? Call each other on the phone and refuse to hang up no matter what the other one says? Is that what you want?"

"Uncle, you're so embarrassing!" Silver whined.

Theo crept closer to her and smirked. "Tell you what, I'll give you a test. I want you to make Bruce Wayne fall in love with you all over again. I want to see him bang you-"

*Cough* "PG" *Cough* Tabitha hissed.

"'- your commitments against a wall and try to spend the rest of his life with you." Theo corrected himself.

Silver sighed. "He knows what I am now. He hates me."

"Well, that's what makes it a test. If you're guileful enough to win back his heart and cruel enough to smile at his killing, I'll know you're worthy of the family name."

Silver nodded. "I understand."

"Do you?" Tabitha sighed, jumping up from the armchair and walking over to Silver and Theo. "My brother will throw you out on the street, if he's kind enough not to kill you. It's all a game to him. A sad revenge on humanity after what happened to him in fifth grade-"

"Tabby." Theo hissed.

Tabitha smiled, "With Rebecca Thompson-"

"Tabby, don't!" Theo yelled.

"And Reagan Ferguson." Tabitha sat back down with a huge smile on her face.

Theo threw his papers at the wall in anger and screamed, "You swore you'd never tell anyone about Reagan Ferguson!"

"Oh, and should I tell Silver about the strawberry pudding and the-"

"AAARGH!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Bruce sat in his underground cell, completely still in a meditating pose. He was beginning to creep the guards out. He was wearing a white dress that smelled like fabric softener and broken dreams. He heard the cell door open, and for a second thought it was Alfred or Selina. When he turned his head, all he saw was Silver.

Silver was wearing the skirt that her uncle told her to wear, but she only wore it half-heartedly. Unlike before, there was no joy in her craft. She didn't bother putting on makeup or making herself look prettier. She just did what she was made to. She didn't think Bruce was into her boobs that much anyway.

"I just wanted to say I'm really, really sorry for what happened." Silver breathed. "And I'm sorry I had to lie to you. I had to do what my uncle said, but I think you're a good person, and if I could help you, I would. But I can't, and I'm sorry." A surprising amount of that speech was sincere. "And I thought you might like some company. But if you don't, that's fine. I can leave."

"Yes." Bruce said. "Please leave."

 _Okay, ouch._ Silver thought. "You really hate me, huh?"

"I have no feelings for you whatsoever."

 _Wow, passive-aggressive much?_ Silver thought, her feelings seriously hurt at the moment. "Well I like you. And I'm sorry. That's all."

"Goodbye, Silver." Bruce said.

 _Oh my god, this kid is impossible. Okay, plan B._ Silver turned to the guard outside the cell door and pretended to have a conversation with him. Then, after a few seconds, she turned back to Bruce and said, "The guard says I'm not allowed to leave. Looks like I'm stuck here with you."

Bruce sighed. "Fine."

 _Score!_

 **(SCREENSHOT OF A GOOGLE MAPS SHOT OF THE GOTHAM SKYLINE SINCE THE BUDGET RAN OUT)**

"Captain, what the hell?!" Lee yelled, following Captain Barnes through the hall of the GCPD precinct with his poster in her hand. Captain Barnes had spent a good ten minutes making that poster, and he was not happy it was ripped off the wall. "You put a warrant on Jim? Armed and dangerous?!"

"That's right." Barnes growled. "He has two arms, and both of them are very dangerous."

"He's not a criminal." Lee sighed. "He was obviously abducted, or... or – or something?!"

"There is no 'or,'" Captain Barnes said. "Ore is for miners, and we are a very major organization!"

"Your wordplay is on point today." Lee said sadly.

Lee and Barnes stepped into the main GCPD office, and Lee stood her ground while Barnes questioned her. "Do you know where he is, or how long he's been working with Penguin?"

"He's not working with Penguin." Lee said.

Barnes laughed in her face. "Oh, please. I know about Gobblepot. People have been shipping them since day one!"

Lee stared at Barnes, bewildered, as he stepped off the platform to go back to his office. She was about to give up when Ed walked by with a huge smirk on his face and whispered, "Is your lover-man alive? Go to Grundy, eight-o-five."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Silver and Bruce sat with each other awkwardly in the dungeon cell as Bruce tried his best to ignore Silver. Silver kind of wished Bruce wasn't being sentenced to death and she had to seduce him more. He was way more attractive when he was brooding.

"Will you please talk to me?" Silver asked. "Silence makes me sad."

Bruce sighed, still looking straight ahead with a blank expression on his face. "Talk about what?"

Silver shrugged half-heartedly. "Anything. Top ten lists. Best vacations. What's your favorite animal?"

Bruce thought for a while and finally breathed, "Owls."

Silver sighed in relief. "Owls? Owls, okay. Owls are cool. Have you ever swam with a dolphin?"

Bruce held up his hand. "Don't. I know what you're trying to do."

"I'm not doing anything." Silver said, a bit offended.

"You're trying to get me to picture you in a bikini. Well it's not going to work this time."

"Well that's not what I was doing, and I _have_ swum with a dolphin. Oh my gosh, it was magical. It was like we were friends. They have this power, it's like they can read your mind."

Bruce sighed. "No, they can't."

"No, they _can._ They can see your brain waves."

"They have a form of sonar. They can look inside you and see tumors, that kind of thing. But they can't read your mind."

The guard standing in the front of the cell knocked on the wall and said, "Actually, a study recently done by scientists in the dolphin sanctuary in New Zealand showed that dolphins are able to recognize the difference between different vibrations and alpha brainwaves emitted by humans in water to the point where they can recognize if they're in distress or not, thus proving that dolphins can in fact read minds to a certain extent."

The two kids looked at the guard weird for a while.

"What? Just because I'm a monk means I can't like dolphins?"

Silver smiled at Bruce, who grunted and went back to staring blankly at the wall in front of him.

 **(PICTURE OF SKYLINE)**

Lee had arrived at 805 Grundy, which she recognized as Ed's apartment. She opened the door to find many gigantic men cocking their guns and preparing for battle. Either Jim was there, or Ed had a really weird secret life. As she walked through, the giant men eyed her. One of them yelled for his boss, Penguin.

"Boss, what are we doing?" he asked.

Penguin sighed. "I told you, Gabe. Just cock your gun, un-cock it, then cock it again. I love the sounds of guns being cocked."

"But we're not going for another few hours."

"Just cock your gun!"

Gabe cocked his gun, un-cocked it, and then cocked it again. Penguin smiled at him and limped to the kitchen to get himself a sandwich. Meanwhile, Jim walked by and found Lee, immediately dragging her to the corner to talk.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Lee yelled.

Jim sighed, "I need to get you out of town. Penguin has a reliable man who can take you upstate. Things are going to be unsettled for a while."

"Unsettled?" Lee asked.

Penguin limped back in and sat down on the couch to watch Jim and Lee. "We're gonna take down Galavan."

Lee was about to slap Jim. "Are you insane?"

Penguin raised his hand and sighed, "Albert Einstein defined insanity as attempting the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You've given Jim this speech, like, twenty times, so maybe _you're_ the insane one."

"You're on the run from the law!" Lee whined, as Penguin was eating his popcorn. "You're trying to attack the mayor with the help of a depraved sociopath!"

Penguin growled and said, "I can hear you."

"Shh, don't speak." Lee sighed, as Penguin cracked open a soda can and continued watching the live reality show. "Let's get out of this town together. I don't care what you've done already or what you have to leave undone. Let's just go."

"Lee, I can't. I can't let Galavan win this way."

"I'm pregnant." Lee said.

"OOOOOOOOHHH!" Penguin squealed, slapping his thigh in excitement and spilling popcorn everywhere. "I did not see that coming!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"There were silver-white roses and red lilies all over the house. I don't know why, but my mom had this weird thing with the colour silver." Silver said, slumped against the wall of the underground dungeon with Bruce. "All my friends were there. I'm pretty sure this one guy had a crush on me. He got drunk and texted me, 'LUV YUR BOOBIES LOL #WCW.' We played music and I danced with this friend who might actually have been gay. I don't know, but he was an awesome dancer. My mom made me a cake with my name spelled out in white chocolate, because I'm guessing she really liked silver things. That's kind of racist, actually, but there you go. Anyway, yeah. That's my favorite memory. My Dad's business meeting at Home Depot. How about you?"

Bruce thought for a long time. "I don't know."

Silver laughed just a little bit out of nervousness. "Come on. You must have one."

"So, your parents really are dead, aren't they?" Bruce asked. It kind of just blurted out. He wanted to take it back a bit.

Silver nodded. "Yeah. I wasn't lying about that."

Bruce sighed. "I'm sorry."

"That's show business."

Bruce took a deep breath. "We went camping once, in a forest. My dad and I climbed an oak tree and ate oranges. We could hear my mom singing to herself as she built the fire. This pizza delivery guy came. His name was Alfred, and after my mom talked to him for a while, she hired him. It was a good day."

For the first time in a long time, Silver could not believe what a truly despicable person she was. "Damn it." she whispered to herself. "Damn it, I can't do this. I can't let you die."

"Oh, so you were okay with it before?" Bruce asked.

Silver ignored his back-sass. She turned around and faced the guard at the front of the cell, who was on the ground crying his eyes out.

"That was beautiful!" the guard sobbed, blowing his nose in a tissue. "You can find happiness again, I promise! This is not the end! You two will be happy again, I swear!" the guard cracked the cell door open and laid back on the floor, crying his eyes out.

Bruce and Silver darted out of the cell, and Bruce followed Silver down the hall of the creepy basement, desperately trying to find a way to escape. Silver's memory of the escape route was fuzzy, but she was confident she knew where to go. Then, Silver ran straight into her uncle.

Two goons held Bruce and Silver in place while Theo shook his head and sighed, "Let me guess. You made the guard cry?"

"Pretty much." Silver said.

Theo growled. "Why did I put Brother Maudlin in charge again?"

Silver shrugged, and she was dragged back to her cell with Bruce.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Bruce and Alfred have been gone for twelve hours." Lucius said to Captain Barnes. After eleven-and-a-half hours, he got tired of playing in a giant mansion by himself and realized that Alfred had the key to the wine cellar. He was now in the GCPD precinct, talking to Barnes.

"Twelve hours isn't very long."

"I am sure that something has happened."

"Why?"

"A window was opened, and a lamp was knocked over."

Captain Barnes sighed. "Is this unusual?"

Lucius nodded. "Yeah. Other than Bruce's street girlfriend who can open a window at any time she wants to come in the manor, there is no explanation for a window being open. And why would a lamp be knocked over? Just because Alfred and Bruce spar all the time and knock stuff over every day doesn't mean a lamp on the ground is acceptable!"

Barnes nodded. "Yeah, okay. Bye, Lucius." Suddenly, Barnes' desk phone rang, and he picked it up. He heard an officer say a few things and nodded. "That's interesting."

 **TWENTY MINUTES LATER...**

Barnes, Lucius, and Bullock were standing over Alfred's unconscious body in a holding cell, where the butler was spread out on the floor with multiple wounds. Bullock was holding a bucket of water.

"Bullock, are you sure that's the best way to wake a man who was just electrocuted?" Barnes asked.

"Yep, totally." Bullock smiled, dumping the cold water all over Alfred, who spasmed on the ground, the dormant electricity once again surging through the water, and he fell unconscious again. Bullock grinned sheepishly and said, "I'll go get Doc Thompkins."

 **TEN MINUTES LATER...**

Alfred had regained full consciousness, and was sitting on a table at the GCPD covering his wounds while Lucius, Bullock, and Barnes were gathered around him, trying to get information. While in the precinct, the cop that tasered Alfred in the face walked by sheepishly, and Alfred shot her a dirty look.

"I was in the process of commandeering a vehicle when one of your idiotic cozzers shot me in the face with a stun gun. Here I am!" Alfred growled, wrapping a bandage around his wound.

The three looked around at each other confused, and Bullock asked, "What's a cozzer?"

Lucius ignored them and turned to Captain Barnes. "There's your warrant. He was assaulted on Galavan's property by known associates of Galavan!"

"While trespassing in Galavan's tower." Barnes said. "He was lawfully pursued off the property."

Alfred coughed, "I was also stabbed two times, chased into a dump, and shot in the face by Galavan's associates. Is that still legal?"

"Considering you tried to steal a car, I'd say you got your comeuppance." Barnes back-sassed.

Bullock sighed, "Galvan's got Bruce Wayne, boss, sure as eggs!"

"I told you to stop making egg jokes about me! I get it, I look like an egg. Egg jokes get old, you know!"

"No need to get scrambled over this."

"BULLOCK!" Barnes yelled in frustration, storming off to his office.

"Wait! I know you're boiled, but it was just a yolk!" Bullock said, holding back a laugh. He turned back to the unimpressed Alfred and said, "So are we getting Bruce ourselves? The fact that Captain Barnes doesn't want us to do it makes me want to do it more."

"We can't do it by ourselves." Alfred sighed. "We need Jim Gordon. He's perfect for this."

"Well where is Jim?" Bullock asked, as a quiet snicker came from the corner of the room. All three of them turned to find Ed quietly snickering and the three stood up to gang up on him like three high school bullies ganging up on a nerd to steal his lunch money.

"You know something?" Alfred asked. "Start talking, Windows."

Ed stuttered around a bit and whimpered, "A diamond grate, a golden grate, a place you never leave. What am I?"

"Home." Lucius said, right away. "Whose home? Your home? Gordon's at your home?"

Ed sighed, "It's happening again." and just handed the three bewildered men his lunch money.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Silver had broken down and was crying into the wall, letting out quiet whimpers between breaths as her tears fell onto the floor. The other person in the cell, Bruce, was sitting beside her incredibly awkwardly, not knowing what to do. Then, he got an idea and ripped off a little piece of the white dress he was wearing and used it to wipe Silver's tears. Silver looked over at him with trembling eyes.

"I must look terrible." Silver smiled half-heartedly.

Bruce looked down. "Yes, you do."

Silver sighed. "Do you love me?"

Bruce shook his head. "No. Trying to get me to sell my parent's only legacy so the new owners can murder me is a big turn-off for some guys. I'm saying this because after I'm dead, you may feel bad. I don't want you to feel like you tricked me."

Silver took a deep breath and decided to stare her destiny in the face. Bruce would never kiss her, and she was going to die.

"Why do you do this?" Bruce asked. "What's the point?"

Silver sighed. "Uncle Theo made me. He said if you don't kiss me before you die, he'll throw me on the street. And then your friend the Cat girl will kill me."

"No, she wouldn't." Bruce said. "The worst she'll do is severely spank you with a whip. But just in case, stay away from windows."

 **(TIR DE LA LIGNE DE CIEL)**

It was time. In Ed's apartment, the team of Jim, Bullock, Alfred, Ed, and Penguin were ready to take down Galavan. Jim, decked out in a police uniform and bullet-proof vest, was loading a shotgun and getting the troops ready. Alfred was wearing a militarised version of a butler suit. Penguin had his greasy hair spiked up into a Mohawk. Ed had a gold cane that shot green lightning, and was wearing a ripped green blazer. Bullock was too lazy to make a new costume for himself. Their code names were respectively, 'Detective Danger, Fear Da Beard, Sergeant Jeeves, Jigsaw Puzzle, and Boss Bird.'

"What's the plan?" Lucius asked.

"Simple." Boss Bird grinned. "We just get in there and shoot everyone in the face and other various body parts as they present themselves opportunely."

Lucius slapped his forehead. "That's it? You have no plan? How are you even going to get in the building?"

"I know a way in." A voice said. Everyone turned to the window to find Selina Kyle sitting in the window, admiring a diamond that she had just stolen.

"How long has she been there?" Fear Da Beard asked.

Detective Danger shrugged.

"How do we know you haven't stitched us up?" Sergeant Jeeves asked. "You've switched sides often enough."

"How do I know you're not a Martian in a rubber suit?" Selina asked.

Jigsaw Puzzle carefully poked at Alfred's face before Alfred swatted him off. Detective Danger sighed, "I trust her. Thanks for your help, Cat. Choose your costume."

Selina smiled and took off her leather jacket. Her costume was a set of red goggles, black cat ears, and a skin-tight cat suit that made all the adults in the room incredibly uncomfortable. After a little haggling, she decided her code name was going to be Kat Klaws. Finally, she smiled and said, "Also, I brought the cavalry."

Boss Bird and Jigsaw Puzzle looked out the window, and found the rest of Kat Klaws' crew. She had brought the Knife, (AKA The Scythe) Detective Alvarez, (AKA Hiding-From-My-Wife) Butch Gilzean, (AKA Jack Hammer) Barbara Kean, (AKA The X-Girlfriend) and Aaron Helzinger. (AKA, Inmate 007)

"Who's ready for the most cliché but epic character team-up ever?!" Barbara cheered.

"Okay, we're still missing something." Kat Klaws said. "We need a soundtrack."

Detective Danger sighed, "Okay, what's going to be our soundtrack?"

Cut to scene of Detective Danger, Fear Da Beard, Jigsaw Puzzle, Boss Bird, Sergeant Jeeves, Kat Klaws, The X-Girlfriend, The Scythe, Hiding-From-My-Wife, Jack Hammer, and Inmate 007 walking down a street with all their weapons in hand with explosions behind them and Lucius Fox rapping, "Cuz baby, now we got bad blood, HEY! Remember when you tried to write me off? Remember when you thought I'd take a loss, don't you remember..."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Death to the son of Gotham." the monks chanted, as Bruce Wayne was dragged into the room by Father Creel, and was tied up to a pedestal. The monks wrapped chains around him so he couldn't escape and Theo handed Father Creel the celestial knife, all while the monks were chanting. Silver was there too, shaking from emotion and desperately fighting back tears. She was determined not to cry in front of her uncle, who looked upon his niece with pride. Bruce Wayne had kissed her before his sentence.

"Prepare yourself, boy." Father Creel smirked.

Bruce took a deep breath, putting on his bravest face. "You're a deluded old fool, and you'll pay for this."

"Hey, I'd respect your religion, you know." Father Creel turned to the sky, holding the knife in the air and yelled, "Ancestors, be our witness! The prophecy is fulfilled!"

"STOP!" Silver shouted, bringing the entire room to silence. The monks looked over at her with curiosity, and Theo glared at her with rage. Silver was shaking as she breathed, "Please?"

Suddenly, there was a booming explosion, and the wall facing away from Bruce blew up, with Detective Danger and the entire crew blasting in, aiming their guns and various weapons at the monks. Gordon sighed, and finally thought to himself, _my life is so weird._

The monks stared down the various costumed weirdos and some of them took out knives. There was a standstill, and Father Creel shouted, "FOR NARNIA!"

There was chaos. Fighting erupted between the monks and the heroes. Kat Klaws jumped on a monk's shoulders and strangled him between her legs. Jigsaw Puzzle struck a monk in the face with his gold cane before touching it to the monk's back and letting the green lightning run its course. Boss Bird shot a monk in the face and continued to shoot him a hundred more times while he was on the ground. The X-Girlfriend stabbed two monks in the head and shot them off her dagger with a shotgun. Meanwhile, Bruce was tied to a post faced away from the action. He yelled, "What's happening? Who just barged in? Who are you guys?"

Selina jumped up so she was in front of Bruce and smiled, "You know, this is like the millionth time I've saved your life. You had better come _running_ if I need help with anything."

She untied Bruce so he could look back. He saw Ed electrocuting a bunch of monks with his gold cane, Barbara in a bloody wedding dress stabbing the heck out of a monk in a black cloak, Butch with a spiked flail for a hand striking down monks left and right, and Alfred beating a monk against a wall. He looked back at Selina and sighed, "Selina, you told me you'd stop trying to recreate the music video for Bad Blood."

"My name is Kat Klaws." Selina smiled. "OHHH, IT'S SO SAD TO THINK ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES, YOU AND IIIIIIIIII..." she slipped away and went back to whipping monks.

Almost all of the monks were dead or unconscious. Jim kicked the last one in the face, knocking him out, and found only Father Creel still in the room. Father Creel held up a knife and yelled, "FLYING TIGER JUMP, GO!"

He jumped up and lunged at the completely unarmed Jim, and Jim would have been impaled if Father Creel wasn't shot out of the air and went falling to the ground, bleeding onto the floor. Jim looked around for his savior, and found Bullock near the stairwell, panting, "Ugh... stairs... too many... ugh," and collapsed on the ground out of exhaustion.

Jim sighed, "You know, we're travelling with a guy with a dislocated leg, and he got up the stairs faster than you."

"Also," Penguin added, pointing to Ed, "A grown man who has never seen the inside of a gym in his life."

"I've read books about gyms." Ed said.

"Ummm, guys?" Bruce asked, still facing away from the group. "Can someone untie me?"

Barbara and Penguin rushed to help untie the young child. Bruce's eyes widened with fear and he asked, "Can someone else untie me?"

"Hey, I just realized." Alfred said. "Where are Galavan and Silver? Did they escape?"

"Nah." Jim smiled. "I got the Knife to lock all the doors to the building. No one is getting out of here."

 **MEANWHILE, AT ANOTHER PART OF THE BUILDING...**

Theo desperately threw himself at the door trying to get it to open. He cursed himself for leaving his keys with Brother Maudlin. Tabitha and Silver were behind him, massaging their temples and hating the world. Theo gave up rattling on the doors and turned back to Tabitha and Silver.

"Well, if nothing else, at least I have a chance to kill you." Theo growled, glaring at Silver. "I wanted to express my deep disappointment in you."

Suddenly, Theo fell to the ground from the gunshot to his leg. Tabitha and Silver looked over at Jim, running over with a pair of handcuffs and his gun aimed at Theo. He slapped a pair of handcuffs on Silver and Tabitha, and pointed his gun straight at Theo. Theo smirked and laughed, "Go ahead. You don't have it in you."

"Brother?" Tabitha whispered.

Theo kept laughing. "For a second, I thought you were going to shoot me, but you're too good for that. AT the end of the day, the bad guys will always win because of your weakness."

"Brother." Tabitha scowled. "Shut up."

"Why?" Theo chuckled. "It's not like Detective Gordon is going to shoot me. All the evil I've done, everything I've done to him, and he still won't shoot me. I bet that – urk!"

It had taken half a second for Tabitha to wriggle out of her handcuffs and grab Jim's gun, shooting her brother in the face. "You can arrest me for that, I just couldn't listen to that douchebag anymore."

"Did I not put handcuffs on you a minute ago?" Jim asked.

 **MEANWHILE, AT THE BUILDING'S GARAGE...**

Alfred and Selina were walking back to the car to get back to Wayne Manor, Bruce following closely after. Bruce was still wearing a white dress, and Alfred and Selina were taking off their costumes.

"You know, you can take off that dress now." Alfred said.

Bruce thought for a while. "I can't."

"Why not?" Selina asked.

"I may or may not be naked under here."

Alfred sighed, opening the door of a black car. "You know, I do believe this falls under the category of, 'I told you so.'"

"I told him too, Alfred." Selina smirked.

Bruce shook his head. "Yes, well thank you both for your help, but I had a perfectly feasible escape plan."

Alfred looked over at Selina, and Selina looked back at Alfred. Both of them had the same idea, and got in the car. Bruce reached out to the handle of the car, but Selina had locked all the doors as Alfred was starting the car.

"Umm, guys? I think the door is locked." Bruce said, knocking on the window.

Selina pretended he didn't exist and talked to Alfred in the front seat. "It's been really dry lately, huh?"

"Yes, Miss Kyle." Alfred said. "I do believe a dry season is coming up soon."

"Wait!" Bruce yelled, tapping on the window more frantically. "How am I supposed to get home?"

The garage was completely silent and no one said a word as the car window slowly rolled down, Alfred's arm stuck out, dropped a pair of running shoes on the ground, and rolled the window back up.

"So, Miss Kyle. What would you like for dinner?" Alfred asked.

"I don't know. Why don't we get takeout? We haven't gotten pizza in a while."

"I'm terribly sorry, Miss Kyle, but the pizza place is closed. Do you like pasta? I recently ate at Fibonarri's and the food there was magical."

"Sure. They serve vegan, right? I'm trying out a new diet for the week."

Bruce stood there dumbfounded as Alfred and Selina drove off into the sunset while discussing their dinner plans, and Bruce's eyes fell on the set of running shoes on the ground in front of him.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Jim had found Lee and sat down next to her, neither of them knowing what to say. Jim only had one goal, and he had spent all night practising.

"Will you marry me?" Jim asked.

Lee sighed with a half-smile and slowly said, "On account of you ditching me to team up with Penguin, kissing Barbara, and not having a ring? No, not really."

Jim nodded. "I'll go buy a ring."

"Yeah, you go do that."

After Jim went and bought a ring, he and Lee got married. When they found out the baby was going to be a girl, Jim suggested they name it Barbara, and Lee divorced him. It took a lot of flowers and jewelry to get her to marry him again. Penguin became the king of Gotham again, and his first order of business was to track down Galavan's body. He found it, but in the process, uncovered a huge conspiracy that threatened to destroy the city forever. Tabitha was put into Arkham Asylum, where the guards tried to beat her up for what happened last time she was in Arkham. That did not end well for the guards. Silver was forced to live on the streets, where she made friends with Ivy and started training to become a supervillain and get her revenge on the city. Bullock got his revenge on the stairs when he stole a bulldozer and demolished them. Penguin and Ed made millions off of a record deal and got to release their own album of popular song covers played on piano. Finally, while he was running home, Bruce ran into a man with a freeze gun, and almost died if Alfred and Selina hadn't hit him with their car. Selina jumped out the car window and yelled, "I'm up to six life saves now! When we get home, you are making me a freaking dinner in bed."

* * *

Jack stood proudly while the cast slowly started to applaud. David said, "You know, Jack? I'm actually beginning to like our new working relationship."

"Oh, yeah." Drew smiled. "The theatre's coming out with a new Batman thing. Hey, Jack, you want to come with me?"

"I'd be honored." Jack grinned, bursting into laughter. Then, Bruno Heller walked into the room.

"Sorry I'm late, I – what is he doing here?" Bruno asked.

Donal held up his hand. "Oh, don't worry. He's cool."

Bruno's eyes widened in disbelief. "Cool? He broke in here and held you all hostage!"

"I've come to learn it is not people's actions, but their motives that mark who they are." Camren said, making the rest of the cast nod and murmur.

Bruno slapped his forehead. "I've had enough of this. Security!"

Jack put a finger on Bruno's lips and said, "Shhhh. It's okay. Not everyone understands an artist. Although I've had my fun, I must bid you all adieu. I will see you all next time on Gotham. HA!" with that, he jumped out the window and drove into the sunset, with Bruno Heller cursing angrily at him.

 **Next chapter? Something special. Special, and Christmas-sy. Or should I say Cats-mas-sy?**


	8. The Gotham Christmas Special!

**Hi guys, merry almost Christmas! I took this as a special occasion and attempted to write my first ever full episode of Gotham! And I know a lot of you guys don't celebrate Christmas, but this chapter isn't just about Christmas. It's also about friendship and family and giving love, and I'm pretty sure everyone can relate to that. And if you're wondering why it's Cat's Christmas party, well this story is rated T. Catsmas with Cat is much more T-rated than Drinksmas with Bullock or Killsmas with Penguin. Enjoy!**

Drew Powell got out of his car with David Mazouz, and the two walked into the Gotham studio together to meet the rest of the cast. Gotham was going on a winter break, but the cast had gotten a text from Jack to meet him on the Wayne Manor set for an urgent meeting. Drew and David came to the Manor set and found the rest of their fellow cast members sitting around waiting for Jack.

"Hey guys." Drew said. "Did you get a text from Jack too?"

Ben nodded. "Yep. I'm a little concerned as to how he got our numbers."

Suddenly, all the cast members stopped and looked around as Jack's voice said, "T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the set, the cast and producers had already met, so come gather 'round and grab a marshmallow, as I tell you the tale of the Gotham Holiday Special."

The cast found Jack sitting on a shelf in the study, and David asked, "Why are you talking in rhyme?"

"I'm currently in the middle of a story, Dave, so please just sit still, have fun, and behave, so I can spread some holiday cheer, as I tell you what happens in Gotham this year."

Morena shrugged, "Yeah, I guess it'd be cool to give our fans a holiday special."

"As the fans are sad that we're on hiatus, we have to start filming now at the latest, and as it's getting harder and harder to rhyme, I'm going to start while it's still daytime. Now I'll tell you a tale that is complex and witty, of all our friend's Christmases in Gotham city."

 **IT'S THE GOTHAM CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! STARRING BEN MCKENZIE AS DETECTIVE JAMES GORDON! DAVID MAZOUZ AS BRUCE WAYNE! AND EVERYONE ELSE AS THEMSELVES BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO THEY ARE!**

"Really, Jim?" Bullock sighed, chasing his partner around the precinct. "You're making me work on Christmas?" It was about two hours until midnight and the sun way already starting to go down.

"Everyone knows there's always more crime around the holidays." Jim said. "Captain Barnes has already given us a case."

"Santa Claus and Rudolph did not give birth to Baby Jesus just so you could work over the holidays." Bullock growled.

Jim looked at his partner confused. "That's not even what happened."

"JIM! BULLOCK!" Captain Barnes yelled. Jim and Bullock ran to his office and closed the door, seeing Barnes' very un-Christmas-sy facial expression.

"As you know, it's Christmas." Barnes said. "That means crime is at an all-time high in Gotham. Criminals everywhere are robbing banks and beating old ladies because they think we're on vacation, but they're wrong! That's why no cops that work for me are staying home for the holidays. We're all working!"

"Cap, don't you think that's a bit harsh?" Bullock asked. "I mean, how much crime could there be over the time of giving and holiday cheer?"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE, EXCEPT THE SKYLINE HAS LIKE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AND STUFF.)**

At Wayne manor, Selina had snuck through the window of the study and was ready to have a Christmas party with Bruce when she was greeted with a most appalling sight. Wayne Manor was completely devoid of holiday cheer. There were no lights or tree or tinsel or presents or anything. Just Bruce drinking some tea by the fireplace.

"No!" Selina yelled, almost making Bruce drop his tea. "No, no, no, no, no, this is not going to work _at all!"_

"What do you mean?" Bruce asked.

"Where's the tree? The presents? The stockings above the fireplace?! You are rich and have a huge house, so my expectations for you were very high, and I am very disappointed in you."

Bruce looked at her confused. "Alfred says Christmas is just a commercial fad used by already bloated businessmen to fill their brimming pockets with the pathos of consumers."

Selina picked up a lamp and hit herself over the head with it a few times. "Nope, this is not going to work. I am going to get the lights, tinsel, stockings, and presents, and we are going to have a _real_ Christmas together. You're going to thank me for this."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Penguin marched down the dark street of a territory followed by his army of henchmen. He was standing at the edge of the last remaining territory of Theo Galavan. It was being held straight by Galavan's last henchman, a man named Royston Paige. Royston had worked his way into the mayor's office while secretly being a heavy supporter of the Order of St. Dumas. Apparently, Royston didn't get the memo that the Order had been chased out of Gotham and was still holding onto his territory in case they came back. That just wouldn't do.

Gabe the henchman walked up to his boss and asked, "Boss, what are we doing here?"

Penguin smiled. "The Dumas were erased from Gotham's history once by the Waynes. I'm going to do it a second time."

"But it's Christmas." Gabe said. "We shouldn't be killing people on Christmas."

"Didn't you throw paper on the ground on Arbor Day?"

"...Yeah."

"Then I can kill people on Christmas! Now let's go!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Captain, guys!" Alvarez yelled, running into Barnes' office while he was talking to Jim and Bullock. "You've got to see this!"

Barnes, Jim, and Bullock stared at the television screen while Alvarez popped a tape in. It rewinded for a bit, and then Alvarez pressed play. The face that appeared on the screen seemed familiar to Jim, but he couldn't place a name to it. Finally, only one name kept ringing in his head.

"Hello, everyone. My name is Jack Buchinsky." said the Electrocutioner, flickering on the television screen. "Guess who's out of Arkham Asylum? Now, I know that you so graciously decided to celebrate Christmas without me, and I don't blame you. I don't want to be the one who spoils the fun, but now that I'm out, I'd like to make a very big entrance. Expect the New Year's fireworks to come a bit early this year."

Captain Barnes slammed his desk in anger and yelled, "Alvarez, go check Arkham for any clues from his escape. I don't need the Electrocutioner screwing things up. Jim, Bullock, go find this guy and arrest him by any legal means necessary."

Bullock sighed, "Man, the bad guys get to celebrate Christmas and we don't? I should be at home eating dinner with my family!"

"You live with two cats and your one-legged grandmother you said you hated." Jim said.

Bullock laughed, "I still like having dinner with them."

Jim's head jerked up when the lights started flickering on and off, and electricity crackled all around the precinct. Some people screamed when the lights went off and everything went dark, and two seconds later, the crackling had stopped and the lights were back on. Jim stared at Bullock with only one thought on his mind. "Electrocutioner. He's must be at the central power grid."

"Let's go."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Well, what do you think?" Selina asked. She stood beside Bruce and looked proudly upon her handiwork on the house.

Bruce, sitting in a chair in the study, had fallen asleep waiting for Selina to get the decorations. As a result, she had used a string of lights to tie him to the chair. He stared at the decorations and asked, "My memory is a little fuzzy, but Santa's sleigh was pulled by reindeer, right?"

"Yep." Selina nodded.

Bruce nodded, "So... how come in your mural, his sleigh is being pulled by flying cats?"

"Because this isn't just Christmas. It's Cat Christmas. It's Catsmas. Seriously, it looks nice though, right?"

Bruce sighed, "You know what? It looks beautiful."

Selina jumped with joy. "Okay, next order of business? We need to get some Catsmas food and presents. What do you think Alfred would like?"

"Alfred doesn't really like the holidays that much."

"No? Well that just won't work."

Ten minutes later, Alfred was watching television in his bedroom as Selina stumbled into the room with a white bedsheet over her body. Alfred kept watching TV disinterestedly as Selina made ghost sounds and screeched, "I am the ghost of Christmas past! Come with me on a journey of-"

"Miss Kyle, get out of my room." Alfred scowled, turning up the volume on his TV. Selina ripped the sheet off her body angrily and went back to decorating with Bruce.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

 _Boom!_ The door of Royston Paige's office blew up, and Penguin's men shot their guns at whoever was in the room. Penguin limped head-on into Royston's hideout while men were being shot left and right. Eventually, he held up his hand when one man was left standing wearing a business suit that marked him out as working for Royston Paige.

"Merry Christmas." Penguin smiled, his umbrella in hand. "Now, where is your boss?"

The businessman quickly pointed to a door on the left with a quivering finger. Penguin nodded in appreciation, and gave the cue for Gabe to shoot him in the head. After, Penguin's henchmen followed him down the hall to the door and Gabe kicked it open. Penguin limped into the room proudly, finding a bewildered Royston Paige standing behind Captain Barnes, armed with a shotgun pointed straight at Penguin.

"Hello, Royston." Penguin grinned, inching closer. "Who's your friend? Some kind of egg man?"

"Put your hands up, you son of a bitch!" Captain Barnes shouted, cocking his shotgun again.

Penguin smiled in admiration. "Listen, you know who you're protecting, right? Theo Galavan's last supporter in Gotham? Determined to bring the Order of St. Dumas back to exact their revenge? Why don't you just let me kill him now and then I'll go get some salt and mayonnaise and deal with you."

"Nice try, Cobblepot." Barnes growled. "There is no egg joke you can make that I haven't' heard from Bullock! Now put your hands on your head or I _will_ shoot!"

"Really? Because all I have to do is snap my fingers, and my nine henchmen rain a hailstorm of bullets on your round little head. If I were you, I'd throw down the gun, let me kill Paige, and go on with my Christmas night."

Barnes thought for a long time, and finally threw his gun on the ground and stepped to the side, all resentment leaving his face. Penguin smiled and limped closer to Royston with a smile, leaning closer to his terrified face.

"I'm going to wipe out your family's legacy and erase you from the city forever." Penguin smirked. "Say hi to Theo for me in hell."

Suddenly, there was a gunshot behind him and the sound of fighting. Penguin turned around to find Captain Barnes shooting his henchman and knocking them all unconscious. When he was finished, the furious Captain Barnes turned to Penguin and punched him straight in the face, making Penguin's vision go blurry. One more punch knocked Penguin out.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Jim and Bullock were driving to Arkham Asylum in their police car. They had figured they would see what Alvarez had found out before checking out the central power grid. If there was an escape, Buchinsky had found out how to do it without any alarms going off or cameras capturing anything. It obviously had something to do with Arkham's electrical grid.

As the car came to a stop, Jim and Bullock came out and Bullock breathed in the fresh air of Arkham. What they found were the inmates setting up a tree and Christmas lights.

Jim found an Arkham guard and asked him, "Do you always let the inmates set up the lights?"

"Oh, yeah." The guard said. "We like to keep things festive here in Arkham. It gives the inmates a little holiday spirit."

"And that's never gone wrong?"

"Well, there was that one time Ian Hargrove planted a bomb that looked like a Christmas star on the roof. Or when Dr. Marks fixed the lights so anyone who saw them would become hypnotized. Or when the Flamingo tried to eat Balloonman. But other than that, nothing."

Jim sighed, "Who else is on patrol?"

The guard shrugged. "Just me. Everyone else is on holidays. Don't worry, I am more than enough security for this place."

Jim watched as Aaron Helzinger walked by the guard and asked, "Hey, we need more lights. I'm going to head to Walmart to get some, okay?"

"Yeah, just get back before dark." The guard smiled, giving Aaron five bucks and his car keys.

Meanwhile, in another wing of the asylum, Bullock walked through the cells to get to the electrical grid. As he walked past the inmates, he found them giving each other presents and singing Christmas carols. Ian Hargrove walked up to Bullock and whispered, "I have a present for you. You want it?"

"Is it a bomb?" Bullock asked.

"Yes."

"Thank you, but polite pass this time." Bullock continued going through the creepy wing of Arkham. Dr. Marks was trying to flirt with him again by giving him mistletoe that had hypnotics in it, Flamingo tried to get him to come closer to the cell so he could eat his face, and Balloonman tried giving Bullock some holiday balloons that would undoubtedly kill him some way or another. He finally got to Arkham's power grid, which was just a bunch of wires connected to a potato. Right away, he knew exactly what had happened to Jack Buchinsky.

Back outside the asylum, Jim was scolding the guard on what a terrible prison he was running. "This place is in no shape to hold dangerous inmates. Your security alarm is a bunch of soda cans!"

"Why waste money on a real alarm system?" The guard said defensively.

"All of the locks are just yarn tied around the door!"

"I didn't construct this place."

"All of the cells for the most dangerous inmates have knives in their cells!"

"What else are they supposed to eat dinner with?"

Bullock, seeing the conflict going on, ran in, grabbed Jim's shoulder, and whispered to him, "Jim, I have a lead. Buchinsky had an outside man, screwed with the power so Buchinsky could escape. The power was rerouted towards somewhere around Wayne Manor."

"Let's go check it out." Jim said, heading for the police car with Bullock and driving off for Wayne Manor.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

As Bruce looked out the window of Wayne Manor, he noticed the city lights flickering on and off again. That was the second time that had happened, probably since Electrocutioner was on the loose. It was only a part of the city that was being effected, but it occurred to him that if the entire city went on complete black-out, there would be trouble.

"Hey, what was that?" Selina asked, walking up behind Bruce. "The lights were being weird."

Bruce nodded. "The entire city has been flashing on and off."

"Oh. Well it better not affect my lights, because they look fantastic. Oh, and look what I just did!" she turned Bruce around so he was facing the study and was looking straight at the Christmas tree she had set up. There was a cat ornament at the top, with lights all around it and the manor's most expensive shiny jewelry used as ornaments. There were also a bunch of wrapped presents all around the bottom.

"Who are the presents for?" Bruce asked.

Selina grinned. "Bruce, there's one for you, but you can't open it yet! You have to wait until the rest of the party to get here?"

"You invited people?"

The front doorbell rang, and Bruce stared at Selina as the sounds of Selina's guests coming in echoed in the hall. Selina ran down to see her guests, and instead found Alfred greeting Jim and Bullock at the door.

"I did not invite you guys." Selina said. "So... bye."

Alfred shooed away Selina, but she hung around the staircase for Jim's speech. "We're here because Electrocutioner just broke out of Arkham. He got a man to reroute the power at Arkham, and we traced the redirection around to this area. Can we check your power box?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but we're a bit busy right now. Is it possible you can come back in-" Alfred asked.

Bullock smiled, "That's what I said."

Jim and Bullock went down the stairs to check with the power box, and Selina went upstairs with a disappointed look on his face. Bruce asked her where the guests were, and she sadly whined, "It wasn't them. Just Jim and Bullock." The doorbell rang once again, and Selina rushed down happily, once again expecting her guests.

What she instead found was Captain Barnes, hauling the Penguin's unconscious body. As Alfred answered the door with an alarmed look, Barnes growled, "My car broke down as I was taking this son of a bitch to jail. Can I keep him locked up here until I can get him to Blackgate?"

"Of course, it's my citizen's duty." Alfred said, letting Captain Barnes in. Captain Barnes went downstairs, grabbing a rope and tying the Penguin to a post so he couldn't escape and wreak havoc. While he was down there, Barnes noticed Jim and Bullock tampering with the manor's power.

"Gordon? Bullock?" Barnes asked, getting their attention. "I thought I put you on the Buchinsky case."

"You did, Cap." Jim said. "We're here following a lead about Electrocutioner rerouting Arkham's power supply."

"Really? Are you sure this isn't like the last time Bullock went to a pizza shop because he was 'investigating' a regular hideout of Eduardo Flamingo?"

Bullock grinned sheepishly, and the doorbell rang again. Once again, Selina ran down, anxiously awaiting her guests, and it was finally them. She opened the door to find Ivy, Barbara, and Ed standing at the door holding their holiday presents for each other and Bruce. Selina let them in, and the three cops came up to see who was at the door.

Chaos instantly broke out. Bullock started chasing Ivy around the room trying to get back the fedora she stole last time they met. Barbara jumped on Jim, trying to make out with him while he struggled for a gun. Barnes held a gun to Barbara's head. Ed tiptoed past the commotion trying to get to the fridge. Selina looked upon her guests in disappointment and sighed, "This is not what the holidays are about!"

Barnes was thrown across the room by Barbara, and Jim stood up again so the cops were on one side and the bad guys were on the other.

"What are they doing here?" Jim asked.

Selina scoffed, "They're my guests, and they will be treated as such."

Barnes laughed, "Nice try. Barbara Kean, you're under arrest. Put your hands up!"

All of a sudden, the manor's lights flickered on and off, and finally blew out with a loud snap. The mansion's power had gone out, along with the entire city's thanks to Jack Buchinsky working on the city's power somewhere. All the buildings, street lights, and everything that ran electrically was completely black. Alfred grabbed a flashlight and shone it on the crowd, finding that in the dark, Barbara had jumped on Jim and was once again trying to make out with him.

"Ha! How are you going to arrest me now?" Barbara asked. "The power is out city-wide. You have no way of alerting the precinct or driving there or anything! This is checkmate, Cap."

There was a rustling from downstairs, the sound of a knife cutting through rope, and Alfred shone his flashlight so everyone could see Penguin limping up the stairs. "Did the power go out? Wait, that means you have no way of arresting me!"

Barnes threw down his gun in anger and yelled, "Fine, but I'm not staying here with you lunatics! I'm leaving!"

"How?" Selina asked. "It's night time, and the lights are all out. You going to drive in complete darkness?"

"You're right." Ed said. "That's illegal."

Penguin laughed and said, "Well, when has that ever stopped me?"

He started to leave, and Barnes yelled, "You drive in the dark, and I'm giving you a ticket!"

"Oh, yeah, I guess you have to. I deserve it, go ahead and put reckless driving on my docket on top of my hundred-and-seventeen murders." Penguin limped off, stole one of the Wayne's cars, and started on the road back to his hideout.

Two minutes later, there was a loud crashing sound as the stolen car was driven into the front gate of Wayne Manor, and Penguin hobbled back into the house, with an airbag in his face and a broken steering wheel in his hand. "Yeah, don't drive in the dark."

"Hey, look!" Bullock grinned. "That car crash reset your leg!"

Penguin looked down and shook his leg, actually able to wiggle his toes. Penguin laughed with joy and jumped around on his recently fixed leg, cheering and clapping. "LOOK! MY LEG IS FIXED! FINALLY! HA! I CAN FINALLY PLAY HOPSCOTCH AND... OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH TWO LEGS THAT WORK PROPERLY! YES! YEA – WHOOAAAAAAA!"

While he was jumping for joy in the dark, Penguin did not notice the staircase behind him. He fell backwards, and the others watched as Penguin yelled, "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! WHY! ARE! THERE! SO! MANY! STAIRS! OW! OW! OW! OOF! Guys? I think I broke my leg again."

Alfred sighed and showed his new guests up the stairs to the study to get them some food, and perhaps pass the time a little quicker until the power turned on again.

Meanwhile, Selina had taken Bruce up the stairs to get him a bottle of milk, and Bruce said, "This isn't good. Those people can't be in the same room for more than a second without killing each other! We have to do something."

Selina sighed, "Bruce, don't worry. It'll all work out."

"But how?"

"You'll see. Christmas is a time of magic and joy, where anything can happen. Christmas magic is real, Bruce. Christmas magic is real."

"Magic isn't real."

Selina slapped her forehead. "Bruce, Christmas is the time when Santa comes to town. Santa's magic, and he only visits you if you've been good all year. Basically, he just skips over this city. Anyway, he has a sled pulled by magic flying cats and his dad is Jesus Christ."

"That's not what-"

"And when Santa comes, he leaves just a little bit of magic behind, and with magic, anything can happen."

Bruce sighed, "Okay, Selina. I believe you. Not because of the magic thing, but I still believe you."

Selina smiled, grabbing an egg out of the fridge and cracking it into her bottle of milk. "Now drink up, B. This is called eggnog, it's kind of a Christmas tradition."

"I'm pretty sure that's not how eggnog is made."

 **HALF AN HOUR LATER...**

Alfred had found some flashlights and lanterns that were enough to dimly light up the study so everyone could see each other. He had given some of the guests some tea, and they were all sitting around awkwardly, keeping an eye on each other.

"So, Jim?" Barbara asked, cuddling up against him. "How have things been going? Work sounds so stressful."

"I have nothing to say to you." Jim growled. "Is everyone here?"

Everyone looked around. Bruce was sitting with Alfred on the couch, Jim, Barbara, and Bullock were sitting on a comfy chair, Barnes was sitting on the ground, and Ivy was leaning against a wall with Penguin and Ed. Suddenly, Barnes said, "Someone's missing."

"Who?" Ed asked.

Jim sighed, "The only one who can see in the dark. Where is that girl?"

Ivy grabbed a flashlight and started walking around looking for Selina. Meanwhile, Alfred attempted to start some idle conversation.

"So, what are you planning to do this weekend?"

Penguin shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe rob a bank or two, build my empire a bit. More money is never bad."

Barnes threw his tea cup down and yelled, "This is all your fault, Cobblepot! If you hadn't gone after Royston Paige, I wouldn't be stuck here with you!"

Penguin laughed, "Umm, I'm sorry, but I specifically heard you saying that Jim and Bullock were put on the Electrocutioner case. Maybe if they were better detectives, they would've caught him and the power would still be working."

"Hey!" Bullock yelled. "We were in the middle of investigating, and then Alfred invited us into his house for tea! Maybe if he wasn't such a well-trained butler, we would have caught Buchinsky, and none of us would be here!"

"I didn't invite you, you barged into my house!"Alfred yelled in disbelief.

Ed laughed. "That's two blames on Bullock, it's his fault."

"That's it, I can't take it!" Bullock yelled. "I don't care how dark it is, I'm driving out of this nut shack!"

Barnes stood up and fumed, "You drive in the dark, and I'm reprimanding you for reckless driving!"

Bullock laughed and turned to Barnes. "You know what? I've been wanting to do this since the day I met you." Bullock drew his fist back and tried to punch Barnes in the face, but Barnes caught the punch and flipped it behind his back. Barnes threw Bullock on the ground and yelled, "You're under arrest for assaulting a police officer!"

"Oh, but when Ivy steals my hats, she gets let go with a warning?!" Bullock yelled. Ivy came back in the room and started kicking Bullock in the face while Barnes held him down. Then, Barbara was inspired by the chaos and jumped on Jim, madly sucking on his lips while he desperately tried to get her off. Penguin unintentionally tried to point at a wall clock and accidentally pointed a gun at Bruce. Alfred jumped on him and punched Penguin in the face multiple times, while Ed tried to get him off. Unfortunately, a member of the Royal Marines was not fazed by the little-girl-like arms of a forensic coroner.

"HEY!" a voice yelled, and everyone stopped fighting for a minute to see a very disappointed looking Selina gazing down at them. Selina sighed, put her milk down on the ground, and sighed, "This is so sad. I started this thing to show Bruce what a real Christmas looks like. He's never seen a real Christmas before, and you know what? He still hasn't. Christmas should be about giving love and caring about each other, spending time with the people you love and showing them what they mean to each other! Instead, all I get is a bunch of people fighting. Christmas is not a time for maiming, or murder, or even rape." Selina looked over at Barbara, frozen in a lip-lock with Jim as she was trying to get his shirt off. "Christmas is a time for forgiveness. It's time to forget all your petty feuds and just for one night, accept each other as human beings and share peace and love with the world."

Barnes and Ivy slowly stopped beating up Bullock. Barbara slowly leaned off of Jim and stepped onto the ground. Alfred brushed himself off and got off of Penguin. Alfred sighed, "I suppose we were being a bit silly."

"I'm sorry for trying to punch you." Bullock said to Barnes.

Ed weighed a bag in his hands and turned to Bruce. "Bruce? I got you something." He gave Bruce the bag with a bow on it. Bruce took the bag with a warm smile and took the present out, and found a snow globe with a miniature Gotham city inside, Christmas lights around the buildings and a pine tree in the center.

"Thank you, Ed." Bruce smiled. "It's beautiful."

Everyone in the room was feeling like a terrible person right then. Penguin nudged Captain Barnes and handed him a wrapped box. Barnes tore off the wrapping paper and found a box of candy in it.

"It was for Royston Paige's funeral." Penguin said with a slight smile. "I guess this is just as good an occasion."

"Thank you, Cobblepot." Barnes said.

"Call me Penguin."

"Thank you, Penguin."

Selina sat down on the couch and started singing, "Deck the halls with paws and kitties, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la."

Bruce joined in, "'Tis the season to be giddy, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la."

Penguin smiled and started singing, "Don we now our guns and barrels, fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la la."

"Time to sing our Gotham carols," Ed sang. "Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la."

Soon everyone had joined in for the second verse. "Snow outside is cold and porous, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Kill the carolers before us, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, this city of murder and sickness, fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la, la, join us for a Gotham Christmas, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la." Everyone clapped and cheered as Alfred went to go get some food, and everyone was having an amazing time.

 **AN HOUR LATER...**

" _Bullock the bearded PI, had a very giant beard, and if you ever saw it, you would call it very weird, all of the other police, used to laugh and call him names, they never let poor Bullock, join community ball games, then one stormy Sunday night, Barnes came by to say, 'Bullock with your work so tight, won't you take my shift tonight?' then all the police loved him, as they shouted out with glee, 'Bullock the bearded PI, can do extra shifts for me..._ '"

Everyone laughed and cheered as they finished off their verse at Bullock's expense, shaking their beer cans and chuckling. Even Bullock was having a hard time staying grumpy, laughing and drinking his beer. Everyone had exchanged presents with each other. Even if they didn't have presents, the criminals stole some things from the manor to give each other.

"You know, Penguin?" Barnes sighed. "You're actually a pretty cool dude."

Penguin smiled, "Was that a penguin pun?"

"Yes, yes it was."

Selina jumped up off the couch and laughed, "You guys can be awesome when you're not trying to murder, imprison, or impregnate yourselves with each other."

Barbara grinned, "You know what? Tomorrow morning, I'm admitting myself into Arkham Asylum. I mean, I'll probably escape the next day, but it'll keep me out of your hair for a few hours."

"I appreciate it." Jim said. "You know what? I'm dropping one of the murders off your docket, Barbara. I mean, your sentence will still be more than two hundred years, but you'll have one less murder on your conscience."

"And I'm just going to the bar after this, but if you guys ever drop by the precinct, I'll buy you a pint." Bullock said.

Ivy sighed, "I don't have any presents to give you people, but you're my friends now."

Bruce stood up, tapping his spoon on his tea cup and saying, "I want to make a toast. You know, before this, I never really had a real Christmas. It was all vacations to Hawaii and company timeshares. But now, seeing all of you people having a good time and being together with my family, I think I finally know what Christmas is all about."

Everyone clapped and cheered, hugging each other and enjoying the food and drink when suddenly, the doorbell rang. Alfred grabbed a lantern and went to go see who it was, and Ed asked, "Who's that?"

"Oh." Selina grinned. "I saw how much fun we were having and invited everyone else."

Alfred opened the door and found Butch Gilzean, Detective Alvarez, Lucius Fox, Harvey Dent, and even those two detectives from the MCU from season one that no one remembers came in, all with their holiday presents in hand and with platters of food.

"Wait," Ed wondered. "If the power is out, how did..."

Bullock flipped a light switch, and all the Christmas lights flickered to life, beautiful colours filling the mansion.

"The powers back on!" Penguin exclaimed. "We can go now!"

Every single person in the mansion looked over at each other, remembering the good times they had shared. Finally, Jim sighed, "We can go back to trying to kill each other tomorrow morning. Right now, it's Christmas."

"I've never been so proud of you." Selina smiled, tears of joy dripping down her face.

"Very good, Detective." Alfred said. "Now bring your platters up to the kitchen and let's have ourselves a fest, shall we?"

Tomorrow morning, they'd all go back to trying to kill each other's faces. Penguin would want to take over the city again, and Barnes would do everything in his power to stop him. Barbara would once again try to torture Jim's loved ones and bring him to the dark side so they could be together, and Bullock would provide snarky comments while Jim tracked down Electrocutioner. Selina would rob a jewelry store or two while Bruce and Alfred trained together to one day save the city. But for just then, they all huddled around each other and sang Christmas songs, enjoying each other's company as they celebrated a real Gotham Christmas.

The cast applauded Jack's efforts at creating a perfect holiday episode of Gotham while the young boy laughed hysterically, bowing and smiling, "Thank you, I am a natural talent."

"Well, if we want to get it out before Christmas, we should start right now." Ben said.

"I have a camcorder!" Camren smiled.

"Let's go!" Jack laughed.

The Christmas episode of Gotham was created and released online as a digital exclusive. Unfortunately, the sheer amount of web information coming in due to the new Star Wars movie coming out, including but not limited to movie reviews, geek fan-gasms, and merchandise advertising, made the loading time so slow, the Gotham Christmas episode should finish uploading in about twenty years.

 **Merry Christmas from me, the fictional cast of Gotham, probably the real cast of Gotham, and Jack Kerr!**


	9. Mr Freeze (Frize? Frice?)

"Mister J! Mister J!" Harley yelled in the morning, running up to Jack's bedroom where the little maniac was sleeping in his bed. He was rolled up in his blanket and was falling asleep to the soothing sounds of plane crashes and maniacal laughing.

Harley shook the bed, but Jack wouldn't get up. She tried pulling the blanket off, but Jack jolted up and grabbed his giant green gun off the bedstand, pointing it at Harley.

"Mister J, don't shoot! It's me!" Harley yelled.

Jack sighed in anger and growled, "I told you not to wake me while I was dreaming about the show!"

"But that's why I woke you up! The hiatus is over and Gotham is back in production!"

Jack's eyes widened in excitement. After nearly three months of break, there were going to be new scripts for him to write and new villains to plague the city! He stood up and proudly declared, "Harley, tell the butler to get the car ready. We're going back to the studio."

"But the butler hates you!"

"That doesn't make him bad at getting cars! Now let me grab the script and we'll be on our way."

* * *

"What happened on the night of Theo Galavan's death?"

"Penguin knocked out Captain Barnes and left with Theo Galavan."

"What did you do after that?"

"I left town with my fiancé. Earlier that day, she told me she was pregnant."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"Your voice is getting louder."

"I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS, GOODBYE!"

 **TEN MINUTES LATER...**

After hours of torturous waiting, Lee was finally greeted by Jim Gordon, and ran into him with open arms.

"I've been cleared of all charges." Jim sighed, trying his best to comfort his girlfriend. He knew that her getting stressed would upset the baby, and he didn't want that.

Lee laughed in relief and sighed, "I knew they would see sense."

"Yeah, but I don't think that everyone thinks so."

Lee looked confused. "Why not?"

Jim sighed, "Because Captain Barnes and DA Dent are watching us right now."

Lee looked up at the balcony above them and saw the police captain and the assistant district attorney wearing fake moustaches and masks. Barnes and Dent saw that Lee and Jim had noticed them and ducked under the balcony as quickly as possible.

"They saw us!" Dent gasped, trying to catch his breath.

Barnes scowled, ripping off his fake moustache. "My disguise was perfect."

"So was mine!" Dent whispered.

Barnes yelled, "You have literally half a mask on your face!" and slapped it off of Dent's face. And for those who think that's way too much campy easter-egging, the mask was on the top half of his face just above his nose. Anyway, Dent retaliated, and soon the two men were engaged in an epic slap fight while Lee and Jim ran away.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Officer Parks was just packing up after a long day of investigating abductions in the area, and was just about to go home when a man dressed entirely in black was loading something into an unmarked van in the middle of the night with a trail of blood behind him.

Eh, it didn't seem important. But then, Officer Parks' attention was brought to a man wearing a hoodie loading an ice cream truck in the middle of the night. That was extremely suspicious! No one ate ice cream at night!

"Hey, you!" Officer Parks yelled.

The man, whose name was Victor Fries, turned around and smiled at the officer. "Hello, detective."

"Do you live around the area?"

"Uh..." Victor stammered. "I used to. I moved."

"Would you open the back of the van please, sir?" Officer Parks asked, moving closer.

The jig was up. Victor knew that he wouldn't be able to keep up the lie. He smiled and let Officer Parks come closer to the van, but at the last second, he pushed her away and reached for the freeze gun inside. Officer Parks barely had time to get her gun before a beam of blue and white light blasted the policewoman, engulfing her in ice and freezing her from the inside out. When Victor took his finger off the trigger, Officer Rose had been completely frozen.

"Hey!" yelled a man. When Victor turned around, he saw the man from before dressed all in black and loading black cases into a black, unmarked van with a trail of blood behind him. "Do you want to switch vans?"

Two minutes later, Victor Fries drove off with his gruesome frozen bodies in a black, unmarked van, while the man that worked for the Gotham orchestra drove his amplifiers off to the philharmonic. Now he wouldn't have to cut his hand on the cases like last time.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Good thing you're here." Bullock grinned, throwing Jim a file. He had just arrived in the precinct after a month of being gone, and Bullock wasn't happy about it.

"That's it?" Jim asked. "No 'welcome back'? No hello hug and kiss?"

"You don't deserve these lips." Bullock grinned. "Besides, the way I see it, you finagled yourself a month-long paid vacation. Good thing you're back, because we got a weird one. Some psycho froze a cop to death."

Jim nodded. "Right. So what really happened?"

"What do you mean?"

Jim sighed, "Remember last time you said that a victim was drowned in a grain silo so you could go on a vacation on the farm? Or when you said that a victim was killed in a club so that you could hang out with the Duchess of Worstershire? What, are you trying to go to Frozen on Ice now?"

Bullock scoffed, "... Ed has some evidence for us."

"You're avoiding the question."

"Hey, what ever happened to Galavan? You know, after you ditched me and I had to ride home with Alfred and Cat?"

"Uhh,"

"You're avoiding the question, now let's go and get this son of a bitch!"

Later, in the lab of Edward Nygma, Ed was feeling in a particularly grouchy mood because of the manhunt for his friend Oswald Cobblepot, and it didn't help that Bullock was also in a particularly colorful mood. Ed's first idea for getting rid of his unbridled rage was dipping a rose in liquid nitrogen, a super cold element used for freezing things quickly.

Jim and Bullock walked in, waiting for results, and were soon in with the idea that liquid nitrogen would take far too long to freeze a cop.

"Why would a cop just stand there waiting to be frozen?" Bullock asked.

"Please don't make that reference." Jim sighed.

Ed shook his head. "They wouldn't. They must have been using liquid helium. It's one of the most effective substances in the world for concealing objects in ice."

"Conceal don't feel?" Bullock asked again.

Jim snarled at him and turned back to Ed. "This liquid helium – where do you get it?"

"Why do you need it?" Ed asked.

Bullock laughed, "He doesn't, dummy. He just needs to find out who has it so we can find the guy that blasted our colleague with it!"

"I don't like to be called names." Ed demanded, his grip around the frozen rose tightening. Little pieces of rose petal were starting to break off.

"Easy, Ed." Jim said. "I'm sure Harvey was just being colorful."

Bullock laughed. "Yeah, Ed. Just let go of your anger. Just let it go."

"That's it." Jim growled. "One more frozen reference, and you're going to sit in the corner."

"Fine." Bullock grumped. "The cold never bothered me anyway."

"Liquid helium is very rare and expensive to make. If you'd like, I could look up manufacturers in Gotham." Ed said.

"Yes we would." Bullock grinned. "Thank you, Ed."

He left out of the coroner's office, while Jim stayed behind a brooded a bit. Ed knew this wasn't good.

Jim turned around and sighed at Ed, and Ed knew what was coming. He sighed and said, "You want to know the nature of my relationship with Mr. Cobblepot."

Jim _was_ thinking about Penguin staying at Ed's apartment. "I wasn't going to call it a _relationship,_ but..."

"I found Mr. Cobblepot injured and alone in the woods. I nursed him back to health. He owed me his life, which is why I believed him when he said he had changed his ways. Also, he briefly mentioned something about you killing Galavan or something, but I don't think that-"

"Well played, Nygma."

There was a rustling outside the coroner's office, and the sound of a yell that sounded strangely like Penguin's. Ed worriedly asked, "What in the world was that?" and Jim followed him out to find...

Captain Barnes was followed by two other cops, both looking gruff while dragging in the beaten, dirty body of Oswald Cobblepot. Ed's jaw dropped in surprise.

"Look! He did it!" Detective Alvarez yelled. "Captain Barnes caught Penguin!"

A few cops shot off confetti canons and everyone started cheering. Captain Barnes wasn't happy about it. They could see his scowl through the multi-coloured confetti flying through the air.

"QUIET!" he yelled, but none of the cops listened. Detective Cones started rolling out a banner, and Officers Candi and Velvet started waving their pompoms.

"WHY DID I HIRE POLICEWOMEN NAMED CANDI AND VELVET?!" Barnes demanded, while Lieutenant Armstrong opened a bottle of wine and the GCPD orchestra came in with their bass drums and trombones.

"WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF CHEERLEADERS?!" Barnes groaned, just as the cops started throwing roses at him and bringing in the chocolate fountain.

Then, Captain Barnes decided to do the logical thing and went out to the back where the Electrocutioner's generator was still plugged in. They should have unplugged it, but Captain Barnes kept it in for situations just like this one. He flipped the switch, and the entire precinct became electrified, knocking out every single cop in the building, so he could have some peace and quiet while putting Penguin in the slammer.

 **SHOT OF SKYLINE**

Captain Barnes and the Penguin were sitting in the GCPD interrogation room, staring each other down. Penguin had a smug grin on his face. Barnes – not so much.

"Tell me what happened that night." Barnes demanded.

Penguin smirked, "What night?"

" _That_ night."

"Oh, that night. I still have no idea what night we're talking about."

"The night where you knocked me out and kidnapped Galavan!"

"Oh, I get you. What about it?"

"WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT?!"

"I knocked you out and kidnapped Galavan."

"GAAAHHHH!" Captain Barnes took a few minutes to take some deep breaths and sit down to stare Penguin in the eyes. "Just tell me what Jim Gordon did that night."

"What night?"

" _That_ night."

"Oh, that night. I still have no idea what night we're talking about."

"The night where Jim disappeared!"

"Oh, I get you. What about it?"

"WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT?!"

"Jim disappeared."

"YOU SON OF A-"

Penguin giggled hysterically. "Okay, okay. I'll tell you. But first, what did Jim say he did?"

"I'm asking you."

Penguin took a long, long pause to build up the suspense, and then finally told Barnes what happened that night.

* * *

"What is with the traffic today?!" Harley whined from the front seat of the limo. The butler refused to drive them, so Jack and Harley were forced to drive themselves. Unfortunately, they came late and were now stuck in heavy traffic while the light possibly an entire mile in front of them refused to change.

Jack growled, "If you had gotten here sooner, we would have beaten this traffic!"

"We had to get gas! And what was I supposed to do? Fill the tank, shoot the guy, and drive off?"

"What? That's a terrible idea! Get your head out of the sky, Harleen." Jack sighed, while simultaneously flipping off the traffic. "Who are these guys anyway?!"

"Hey, buddy!" yelled a man in a yellow taxi. "Keep it moving! Some of us have places to be!"

Jack turned around to see who was yelling at him, and it was the guy who played Captain Cold on The Flash, Wentworth Miller!

"Captain Cold?!" Jack gasped. "What are you doing, stuck in traffic?"

"Better question, why is he stuck in traffic in front of me?!" Yelled someone else. Jack leaned out of the car to see who it was behind Wentworth Miller and discovered that it was actually the guy who played Damian Darhk on Arrow, Neal McDonough!

"Damian Darhk?" Jack asked. "Why are these all CW people?! Come on, who here is from FOX?!"

" _I'm_ from FOX." Said a mysterious villain sitting in a limo behind Jack's. The mysterious villain rolled down his window and said, "It's me, the villain of FOX's MasterChef and Multi-Michelin starred chef, Gordon Ramsay."

Jack, Neal McDonough, and Wentworth Miller all looked between each other and screamed in terror.

* * *

Jim was waiting anxiously in Captain Barnes' office. He knew what was happening. On one hand, Penguin could have lied for him and saved him, but on the other hand, Penguin could have told the truth and Jim would be massively screwed. The only thing Jim was thinking was, _damn, I should have gone to his opening party. I should have gave him those files. I shouldn't have cuffed him to the pipe. I should have believed him about his mom. I am a terrible friend. Are we friends? Maybe... more than friends?_

Then, Captain Barnes came in. Jim stood up and looked him down, and Barnes stared back.

"Cobblepot backed your story." Barnes said hesitantly. "He also mentioned something about how you should have gone to his nightclub opening party or something."

 _Wow._ Jim thought. _I did literally no good things for Penguin, and yet he somewhat uncharacteristically lied for me! I should really be nicer to that little maniac._

Captain Barnes held out his hand and Jim shook his head, "Yeah, no. I'm not doing that thing."

"What?"

"We're not doing that chest bump thing that frat boys do, goodbye."

 **SHOT OF SKYLINE (I HAVEN'T WRITTEN THIS IN A WHILE, IT'S TOO SOON FOR PUNS)**

It was Arkham Asylum, and everyone was staring at the new inmate that was limping in, Oswald Cobblepot. He was in the prison uniform and stared at the inmates, half of which he was responsible for landing in Arkham. The entire place was silent.

Suddenly, the silence was broken when an inmate threw a plate of food straight at Penguin's head, and Penguin knew it was time to establish himself as a player. It was just like being King of Gotham again.

He hopped up on a table and yelled, "My name is Oswald Cobblepot, and I am not a man to be trifled with. I am dangerous. I am VICIOUS! I'm King of Goth-"

"I don't like this show!" yelled an inmate and threw a cake at Penguin.

Penguin sighed and hopped off the table before noticing a few guards running off with a bald man with a fake chinstrap beard. Penguin leaned close to an intelligent-looking inmate and asked, "Who's that?"

"Over there?" The inmate laughed. "Evil takes a human form in Hugo Strange. He's the queen bee – the star – and those two guards are just the little workers."

"Hugo Strange." Another inmate sighed. "How do I even begin to explain Hugo Strange?"

"Hugo Strange is flawless!" a girl inmate sighed dreamily.

Another prisoner raised his hand. "He has a million dollar mansion _and_ a brand new Prius."

"I hear his beard is insured for ten thousand dollars!"

"I heard he does book signings. _In Metropolis!"_

"His favorite movie is The Notebook."

"One time he met Hilary Clinton on a plane – and she told him he was bald!"

"One time, he experimented on me." Said an inmate whose eyes had been completely scratched out of his head, making Penguin and all the other inmates stare in horror and fear. "And it was awesome!"

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

A man by the name of Victor Fries walked into a normal pharmacy on the front of the street. He needed a refill of medical drugs for... his wife.

He looked over by the bench where someone was buying painkillers from a nice-looking old lady.

"Here you go, sir." The nice lady smiled. "I sincerely hope that you get better, and if you have any problems, please come back and I'll fix it right away. Oh, and I left you a little surprise on the receipt."

The man walked away with the painkillers and showed Victor the smiley face the lady drew on the receipt. Victor smiled at how nice the lady was and excitedly stepped up to the bench.

"Hello, Ma'am." Victor smiled. "I would like a refill of-"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir, but I have to go take care of a terribly sick child in the back. Don't worry, though, Mr. Woodley will be here in no time to give you whatever you need." The lady said, before disappearing into the back.

 _That's okay._ Victor thought. _Mr. Woodley must be just as nice as this lady._

Then, the new guy came out of the back with mustard on his shirt and a button that said, 'I hate my job'. He spilled over a bucket of drugs, stared at Victor and growled, "What do you want?"

"May I have a refill of formoterol?" Victor asked.

Mr. Woodley glared at the man and just kept counting some coins.

"Why are you counting those coins?" Victor asked. "They're still in the roll."

Mr. Woodley started counting the coins slower. Then, he looked up and asked, "May I help you?"

"Formoterol."

"Do you have the prescription?"

"I have the bottle."

"That's not the same thing, is it?"

Victor sighed, "Just refill it."

"No."

"Refill it."

"No."

"Refill it."

"No."

"There's a guy trying to steal stuff from the back."

"OMG WHERE?!"

Mr. Woodley turned around, and Victor attempted to sneak some formoterol from the counter when Mr. Woodley turned back with an upset growl.

Victor threw the bottle as hard as he could at Mr. Woodley and yelled, "I'll be back!"

"Was that an Arny reference?"

"Hasta la vista baby!"

 **TWO HOURS LATER...**

"SURPRISE MOTHER F*****S!" yelled Mr. Freeze, jumping into the pharmacy and blasting Mr. Woodley with his freeze gun, covering the man in ice and making him fall to the ground.

 **SHOT OF SKYLINE**

Penguin was being dragged to therapy with Professor Hugo Strange, and he wasn't happy about it. Professor Strange was waiting in his office for Penguin to come in, and Penguin was finally thrown into the office, the door closed behind him.

"I'm taking your tea." Penguin growled, limping over to the window and pouring himself some tea.

"Fine." Professor Strange said. "But that's gasoline."

Penguin's eyes widened as he spit out the tea as quickly as he could.

"Just kidding." Strange said. "But we do have some things to talk about. You must be feeling deep emotional pain. Regret, even."

"What would I regret?"

"Not killing Theo Galavan."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW I DIDN'T KILL GALAVAN?!"

"Please, there was a bullet in his brain, and you had a baseball bat and an umbrella. I'm not stupid. I'm actually surprised that more people haven't figured it out."

Penguin nodded. "Well did you figure out who actually killed Galavan?"

Professor Strange sighed, "Gosh, Penguin, we're not frickin' stupid. Jim Gordon was the only other person in the room when you disappeared, you disappeared at the same time, he was the only one in the district with a gun, come on. It's obvious the person who killed Galavan is..."

 **SHOT OF SKYLINE**

Jim Gordon had tracked down the man who was freezing people from the name on the prescription bottle that was left at the pharmacy, Nora Fries. He had found the house and was invading the inside for investigation, and was bringing Nora, the wife of the freezing man, into police custody. Meanwhile, Officers Hong and Daniels were standing outside next to a police car waiting for Gordon to finish.

"Hey, Officer Daniels!" Officer Hong grinned. "It's been a while, how are you doing?"

"It's going great, hey how are the kids?"

Officer Hong laughed, "Ah, little Georgia turned five just a week ago!"

"Hey, that's fantastic! Congratulations, I'm gonna have to visit someday. Georgia hasn't seen her uncle Daniels in a while, right?"

"Come by whenever you want, dude."

"Hey, thanks bro." Officer Daniels said. "Hey, what's the deal with this house?"

"I know, right? Gordon says the guy who's been freezing people lives here. They're taking his wife into custody."

"Man, this city is weird. Yo, remember when Gordon arrested the circus?"

"Ha! Yo, man, that was sick." Officer Hong sighed. "Hey, wait. There's a dude staring at Gordon and Nora all concerned-like."

"Where?"

"Over there, man. In the bushes. The guy wearing all black?"

"Oh, yeah, I see him now. What's he yelling?"

Officer Hong cupped his ear. "I think he's yelling, 'Nora'."

"Oh. Should we do something about it?"

"Nah, that could be any random kook wearing all black standing outside the house of a convicted murderer and yelling the name of the felon's wife. Gordon's gonna thank us for not worrying him."

Officer Daniels thought for a while. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

 **SHOT OF SKYLINE**

A few hours later in the GCPD precinct, Gordon and Bullock were trying to get information out of Nora Fries in the interrogation room, but so far, they were getting nothing. Ed was doing reports on the frozen bodies that they recovered in the M.E. lab, but he too was getting nowhere. Meanwhile, Detective Alvarez was running around the precinct when a man named Victor came up and tapped him on the shoulder.

"I'd like to see Detective Jim Gordon." Victor said.

"This is bad." Alvarez sighed. "No one ever wants to see Jim unless they're from the circus or a mutant lizard or convicted of six or more major crimes."

Victor sighed, "I'm the man who's been freezing people."

"Yep, that's it. Take a seat over there."

"You sure? You don't want to lock me in the cell or something so I can't escape?"

"Eh, whatever." Alvarez said, and went to go call Jim. Although, suddenly...

"Detective Jim Gordon!" yelled Captain Barnes, stepping out from his office and letting the entire precinct hear. "You are under investigation for the murder of Theo Galavan!"

"Gordon's not here." Alvarez said. "He's in the back interrogating Nora Fries."

"Dammit!" Barnes growled. "Why do I keep yelling things over a balcony?!"

As a side effect of the balcony yelling, Victor Fries just happened to over hear that his wife was being held in the interrogation room. It was time to get his freeze gun.

 **MEANWHILE, IN THE INTERROGATION ROOM...**

"He told me they were mice." Nora Fries shuddered, still thinking about the frozen men in the cryo-chambers in her own basement.

Bullock nodded. "I see. So, what was preventing you from entering your own basement before?"

"There are monsters in the basement." Nora said. "Actually, that was kind of true..."

"Totally." Jim said. "Now tell us where your husband is."

"I can't. He did terrible things, but he did those things for me. I can't betray him."

"GUESS WHO'S HERE B****ES!" Victor yelled suddenly, busting the door down and jumping in with his freeze gun, freezing the ceiling so that it snowed in the room. "Now give me my wife."

"Why?" Jim asked.

Victor sighed, "So I can find a cure for her condition. She's sick, and she's dying and the only way I can save her is by experimenting on my frozen people to find a reanimation formula. I have to freeze her so I can reanimate her when they find a cure."

"Wait." Bullock said. "Why don't you just experiment on people who are already dead using funds from the city? I mean, it's legal to fund medical experiments, and you can't tell us that the people stay alive while they're frozen. It's just preservation, right?"

"What's this... legal you speak of?" Victor asked, and started to power up his freeze gun, just about to blast Jim and Bullock, just when Bullock shot him in the leg and he fell to the ground. Jim took away his freeze gun.

"Harvey," Jim sighed, "Why'd you shoot him?"

Bullock shrugged, "Well, he had a freeze gun and I had bullets. A freeze gun takes a long time to load and an even longer time to do any damage. I think it's probably even less effective than a normal gun, so there's absolutely no reason that he should be able to beat a dozen cops armed with guns."

Jim sighed, "I guess so. I still don't get how this dude developed a freeze gun and fully-functioning cryo-chambers."

"Yeah." Bullock said. "With all that money, you could have just hired a scientist to find an actual cure for the condition."

"I was trying to save my wife!" Victor yelled.

Victor Fries was taken to custody and was sent to Arkham Asylum the day after. His freeze gun and chambers were sold to the international climate change organization for over five billion dollars, which was used to solve global warming and find a cure for Nora Fries. Nora Fries then went on to have a role in Frozen 2. Penguin used his conniving skills in Arkham which he did not forget to use for some reason and talked Professor Strange into pursuing his dream of becoming a broadway star, leaving Penguin happy and safe in Arkham. Butch and Tabitha became Gotham's number one OTP and have a reality show together. Finally, Bruce and Alfred are in Switzerland where they are eating chocolate and cheese and playing badminton (which is really good practise for throwing batarangs.)

* * *

"Guys, I'm here!" Jack yelled, bursting through the door as the wide-eyed cast of Gotham stared at him, already at the end of the scripts they were holding.

"You're late." Ben Mckenzie said. "We just finished the reading."

"Oh." Jack sighed, extremely disappointed with himself. "Okay, I'll just go."

"You didn't let me finish." Ben said. "We just finished the reading of the old, terrible script and we're ready to see the craziness that you brought to the table!"

Suddenly, Jack's eyes filled with tears of joy. "You guys make me so happy! Okay, let's start at page one, on which Harvey Dent says..."

 **Next parody will be 'Mad Grey Dawn'! Bruce enjoys the pain, they just confirmed it!**


	10. Into the Woods (To Penguin's House)

**Into the Woods parody! I would further like to express that the actions of the real cast of Gotham in no way reflect my opinions of any of them. Although I would love to, I honestly don't know any of them, so their actions in this are purely based on the needs of the story. I'm saying this because... just read.**

Jack was really tired since it was only morning, and when he walked into the reading room with his morning espresso and his morning shadow, he noticed David Mazouz and Ben Mckenzie standing there alone, waiting.

"Hey, Jack." Ben said. "We have bad news."

Jack laughed, "What do you mean, where's the rest of the cast?"

David sighed, "That's what we mean. The cast is gone. We don't know where they went. But whoever took them left a note."

Jack took the note and carefully read it. It said, "This has gone far enough. If you want the cast back, leave the studio and never come back. Signed, BHDC."

"Who's BHDC?" Jack asked.

* * *

"You little punks! Don't you take that bag!"

Across the rooftops of Gotham city, a crook was trying to catch his breath while running as fast as he could, trying to catch up with the two kids that robbed him. One Selina Kyle, and one very thrilled Bruce Wayne.

Soon, Bruce and Cat had jumped across the building to the roof of an apartment, one that the crook couldn't possibly reach. Soon, he was catching his breath and angrily shaking his fists while the street thief and the young billionaire were counting their money on the other side.

"That's my money!" the crook screamed, red in the face.

Cat sneered, "Boo-hoo, you stole it. Now you got stole, chump!"

"Oh, I catch you – you're dead! Both of you!"

Bruce laughed, "By the way, you're a terrible crook – letting two kids rob you, you don't deserve this money." Bruce then grabbed a handful of the cash from the bag and threw it to the streets below, only making the crook angrier. But Cat was getting pretty pissed too.

"Hey!" The crook screamed at the top of his lungs. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"What the hell are you doing?" Cat hissed, pushing Bruce to the side and grabbing the money out of his hands. "You can't just throw out our money like that."

"..." said Bruce.

"You throw it out like this!" Cat made a fan with the money and made it rain all over the streets like Yeezy as the crook screamed and cried.

"STOP THROWING OUT MY MONEY!" the crook bawled as Bruce bent over, turned around, and started throwing the money over his back like a gopher digging a hole in the ground.

"I'M GONNA BE BROKE, STOP THAT!" the crook begged as Cat made the money into a flower and started ripping off petals and throwing them on the street while saying, "He loves me, he totally loves me, he loves me, he totally loves me,"

"WHHHHYYYYYYYYY..." the crook sobbed as he rolled up into a little ball and started crying. Meanwhile, Bruce and Cat were replicating the scene from Titanic by standing at the edge of the building and yelling, "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD" while money blew in their faces and onto the streets.

 **(ALTERNATE ENDING TO SCENE)**

"You little punks! Don't you take that bag!"

Across the rooftops of Gotham city, a crook was trying to catch his breath while running as fast as he could, trying to catch up with the two kids that robbed him. One Selina Kyle, and one very thrilled Bruce Wayne.

The crook

The crook yelled at the top of his lungs, "That was supposed to be for Martha!"

Bruce stopped and turned around, "Why did you say that name?"

The crook sighed, "Martha's my mother."

"Okay, Selina, drop the bag."

 **(OKAY, I GET TO MAKE** ** _ONE_** **MARTHA JOKE. COME ON, IF I DIDN'T DO IT, YOU ALL WOULD HAVE DONE IT IN THE REVIEWS)**

"I've been going over and over this a thousand times in my mind." Jim sighed. He was in Bullock's apartment trying to solve the mystery of his framing while Bullock pretended to understand. "It all has to be connected – the theft at the art museum, the bombing at the train station, the IA tipoff, Pinkney's murder – it's all part of an elaborate frame."

Bullock nodded, "So he's smart, meticulous, got technical access – an active cop?"

"It has to be. It's the only way he could have access to the crowbar after it was put into evidence."

"That doesn't exactly narrow the suspect list too much. Literally all the cops hate you. Alvarez, McKinney, even Barnes has a reason to get you fired."

"I get it." Jim sighed. "Harvey Dent once told me that IA secretly records all their incoming calls on tape. They assumed it was Pinkney, so there would be a tape with his voice on it."

"That's a hell of a long shot, brother." Bullock said. "If a tape like that exists, it'll be locked up tighter than a duck's ass."

Jim frowned, "Wait, why was that the first metaphor that came to mind?"

"But if it is, I have a way to crack it open."

"OMG WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THAT DUCK FROM THE POND?"

 **(TWO HOURS LATER)**

Bullock strolled into the Internal Affair's office at GCPD and winked at Mrs. Vandertramp, the lady who ran it.

"Hey, Mrs. Vandertramp." Bullock grinned, trying to look attractive. "You ready to get it on for your animal, Bullock?"

Mrs. Vandertramp thought for a while and smirked, "Actually, where's your friend Jim? He's a hunky piece of dude sandwich!"

 _Oh crap._ Thought Jim, who was hiding behind the door. Bullock smiled and walked back to Jim with a smug smile on his face and grinned, "How badly do you want to solve the Wayne case?"

Jim growled, "Bruce had better appreciate this." And went out to spend a night with Mrs. Vandertramp."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Penguin was at the funeral of his father, the late Elijah Van Dahl, with his stepmother Grace and his stepsiblings Charles and Sasha. Those three weren't quite as broken up about it as Oswald. While he was at the coffin saying his last goodbyes, they were texting each other and posting a Facebook status that said, 'At Funeral, father just died, trying to get a thousand likes'.

Suddenly, Penguin jumped into the arms of his stepmother and sobbed, "He loved us so much!"

Grace didn't share his sentiments. She pulled Oswald off of herself and said, "As devastated as we all are, we have to talk practicalities. Should I call you a cab, or will you take the bus?"

"Wh-What?" Penguin asked.

Grace laughed, "Well you're not staying with us. Elijah left the estate to me and I'm just not comfortable sleeping under the same roof as a notorious murderer."

"B-But I'm not like that anymore! I couldn't hurt a fly even if I wanted to!"

Grace scoffed, "You killed over sixty people that we know of."

"Most of them were mobsters, if that helps."

"And ruling an entire criminal underground, does that help?"

"It's good work experience."

"You blew up a warehouse and killed every single person inside!"

"It was April Fool's day! Please, just give me another chance, I'll do anything!"

Grace thought for a long time. "Well, we do need some help around the house."

Penguin nodded with joy and limped away while Charles and Sasha gasped and huddled with their mother. "You're not serious, are you?"

Grace shrugged, "With the right lawyer, he could make things difficult for us. Especially if they looked into how he died. Eventually, grief will overcome Oswald and he'll take his own life, until then, we have a free servant. We can fire the maid."

"Oh, like that fairy tale!" Charles said. "It was like... Snow White or Pocahontas or something?"

Sasha sighed, "Cinderella."

Charles nodded, "Right. Wait, didn't the stepsiblings die at the end of that?"

"Shut up, Charles." Grace said.

* * *

Jack, Ben, and David had been searching for hours for the cast of Gotham, but they were nowhere to be found. They had searched all their homes, all the studios, every set, and still nothing. They were all about to give up.

"Whoever BHDC is, they're clever." Jack sneered. "But no one will stop me from finding the cast!"

David sighed, "Wait... I have an idea. What if BHDC isn't a name? What if it's a clue?"

Ben nodded, "You might be onto something, David. Okay... maybe the DC stands for DC comics?"

Jack shrugged, "Okay, what does BH stand for then?"

David took out his phone and googled it, and the first thing that came up was B&H Photo and Video, a company based in... New York City! The exact same city that Gotham was filmed in!

"So it's the photo and video company for DC comics?" Jack asked. "That can only mean one thing. It's the DCEU!"

"The DCEU?" Ben asked.

David nodded. "The DC Extended Universe that created all those movies like Batman V Superman, Man of Steel, you know. They must be planning on offing all of the DC TV shows to steal the rights for their movies! We have to do something!"

"They're probably being held at B&H studios downtown. I'll drive." Ben said.

* * *

Jim Gordon was knocking on the door of Ed's apartment, and as soon as the door opened, Jim smiled sweetly, "Hi, Ed."

"AH!" Ed shrieked like a little girl. "Please don't hurt me! I'm so young and scared and I already bought my green suit! You know how hard it is to find a green suit?"

"I'm not gonna hurt you, Ed." Jim said. "I need your help. I didn't kill Pinkney, you have to believe me!"

Ed nodded, "Yeah, I do."

Jim smiled, "I need to find the man who framed me. Whoever it was, he covered his tracks well, but I have something. I stole a recording of his call to IA. They secretly record everyone who calls in."

 _Mental note,_ Ed thought, _Murder IA._ "And what did you hear?"

"Not much. They disguised their voice, but there are other sounds on the tape. You work with audio, so I was hoping you could help me."

Ed smiled, "Jim, my friend, you've come to the right place. I'll have my butler make us some tea."

"Your butler?" Jim asked.

Then, Alfred came around the corner with a piping kettle and scowled, "In case you didn't know, Master Bruce has lost his mind, his belongings, and most likely by this point, his virginity and is living on the streets with Miss Kyle. I tried making tea for Mr. Fox, but it's not the same."

Ed whispered, "Please help me. He's been ironing my clothes and making me sit up straight and making sure I wash behind my ears and it's freaking me out."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Penguin was standing by the kitchen table in the Van Dahl's mansion while Grace was testing some of his goulash. She wasn't impressed.

"Hmmm." Grace sneered. "Well, let's pray Helga hasn't signed on anywhere new yet."

Penguin sighed, "It's a family recipe. I'm sorry you don't like it, I'm sure my cooking will improve over time."

Meanwhile, Charles was eating up the goulash hungrily. "It's not that bad."

"Shut up, Charles." Sasha said.

Grace sighed, "I want you to go to the market and buy a nice roast for Sunday dinner. Not your slut mother's goulash. And clean up the dishes. I can't stand the sight of dirty dishes. And bring Charles and Sasha's laundry. And wash the car. And run a bath. And mop up the floor."

"You don't have a mop." Penguin said.

Grace laughed, "Not with a mop. Mop the floor with a sponge and a bucket of water while singing to yourself."

Penguin nodded and went to go get the sponge. Meanwhile, Charles asked, "Are you sure you don't want to get rid of the pumpkins in the backyard just in case?"

"Shut up, Charles." Sasha and Grace said at the same time.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Sitting at the kitchen table at Ed's apartment while Alfred was getting tea, Jim and Ed were ready to play back the tape after Ed had been reluctantly tweaking the audio for hours. Hopefully, Ed didn't do too good a job, but just in case, he had a backup plan.

"So... you think that the incredibly handsome and smart guy who killed Pinkney and framed you was the same incredibly handsome and smart guy who bombed the train station?" Ed asked.

"I think Loeb was behind it. He still has lackeys in the GCPD, and all the signs point to a cop or someone with access."

Ed nodded. "You don't think Loeb killed Pinkney himself?"

Jim shook his head. "No, he hired a psychopath to do it. An ugly, stupid psychopath."

Ed's left eye twitched. "Psychopath seems like a strong word."

"He bludgeoned a man to death in cold blood with a crowbar. Nope, I think psychopath is the right word. An unattractive one with bad teeth and a terrible personality that I wouldn't want to be friends with under any circumstance whatsoever."

"I WOULDN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH **YOUR MOM** UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE WHATSOEVER!" Ed yelled, before calming down and hearing the tape in his editing machine click. "Let's have a listen, shall we?"

Then, it started. A distorted voice said, "I want to report a crime. I saw Detective James Gordon shooting Mayor Theo Galavan at the docks. It was very cold. Penguin was beating Galavan with a bat, but it was Gordon who pulled the trigger. It was complete darkness, which I should not have mentioned because... OW! Just stubbed my toe on my desk, I'm in pain, I'm in soooo much pain, I – oh, I'm about to fall over, Jim Gordon pulled the – AAAHHH!"

Then, there was the sound of a cuckoo clock going off... exactly like the one in Ed's apartment. Jim whipped out his gun and aimed it at the green-suited psycho. "I know it was you, Ed."

Ed grinned, "What's orange and sounds like a parrot?"

"What?"

"A CARROT!" Ed yelled, before pulling a drawstring connected to the roof and raining down two hundred pounds of carrots onto Jim Gordon, knocking him unconscious.

"Really, Nygma?" Alfred asked from around the corner. He didn't see what happened. "Carrots?"

"Do you know how hard it is to both create a deathtrap _and_ a corresponding riddle?"

"You could have just been like 'What question can you never answer yes to?' and then just did anything as long as he ended up unconscious!"

"That would have been a nice thing to say before I bought all these carrots!" Ed sighed, shaking his head. "Hey, Alfred, can I have your opinion on something?"

"Of course, Mr. Nygma."

"If you had knocked out your nemesis and he was lying on the floor of your apartment, would you just kill him while he was unconscious, or drag him out to the woods and bury him, giving him ample time to wake up and escape but asserting your position as better than him?"

"With all due respect, Mr. Nygma, I'd like to be left out of this."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Over the alley and through the woods to grandmother's house we go," Ed sung. "With a corncob hat and a button nose and Jack fell down and broke his crown and why am I singing right now?" He was dragging Jim's unconscious body to the trunk of his car and was at the back of the garage when he suddenly thought to himself, "Now, should I turn my back on Jim for no reason to open the trunk? What am I saying, of course I should!"

And then Jim got away...

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Again?!" Selina sighed. She was talking on her phone to Bruce while walking to the hideout. "Did you try jiggling the handle? Well what did you put down it?!"

Bruce sighed over the phone, "Where's the spicy mustard? You better not have finished – ah! Never mind."

Selina opened the door of the hideout and went inside to find Bruce wearing an apron and doing some dishes. She dropped her bags on the floor weirded out and said, "Ooookay, where's my jacket?"

Bruce turned around and handed her the black leather jacket. "I stitched up the tear on the sleeve. Alfred says it's a good skill for young bachelors to know."

"Ummm..." Selina said. "And what's this whole situation?"

Bruce looked at the potted flowers he put into the hideout and smiled, "Oh, aren't they nice? They really brighten up the room."

Then, the door opened again, and Jim limped into the hideout, dripping blood behind him. "I found the man who framed me, he was..."

Then, he passed out on the couch. Which Selina didn't like.

"Darn, now I have to call my cop removal guy again."

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

"Don't forget the cherries, Oswald!" Grace yelled. Back at the Van Dahl mansion, Penguin was trying to prepare a drink for his wicked stepmother and suddenly realized he was out of cherries. He frantically looked around and couldn't find any when Charles and Sasha screamed, "Don't forget the roast!"

Then, all of a sudden, a flashing light appeared. Penguin's jaw dropped open when the image of his mother and father appeared with a ghostly glow in the middle of the room.

"Hello, Oswald." Gertrud's ghost said. "It's so good to see you again. Poor Oswald, you've been through so much!"

Penguin stuttered, "M-Mother? How?"

"We're together again, Oswald." Elijah's ghost said. "I'm with your mother again. We're finally happy."

"Wow." Penguin smiled. "That's amazing. I'm so glad that you're together again."

Gertrud's ghost smiled, her arm around the ghost of her husband. "And now, we have one last duty on this earth, and that is to give you one final wish. Wish for anything your heart could desire, and it will be yours."

Penguin gasped, "I-I don't know what to say. I suppose the only thing I could wish for would be... cherries for Grace's drink."

Elijah sighed, "Oswald, we know who you truly are. We know what you used to be, and who you desperately want to return to being. Just say the word, and you can be evil again."

"No, I'm good with the cherries."

Gertrud shook her head. "It's okay, Oswald. No matter what you do, you'll always be our son. We know you love us, but you have to let us go. Go ahead. Become evil again. Be the king of Gotham again."

"Nah, I just want cherries."

"This nicer you is making us sick, you're turning evil again."

The ghosts snapped their fingers, and with a flash of light, Oswald's eyes flashed, and he officially turned evil again, which felt pretty good.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Jim was beginning to wake up, and he discovered that he was in Wayne Manor. His vision was still blurry, but he was lying on the couch and saw someone standing over him.

"Right now, you're in a place between life and death. You have a choice to make. You could come with me to the land above all lands and solve crimes for the angels, or you could fight harder than you ever have in your entire life and return to earth and right all the wrongs you still have to-"

"For goodness sakes, get off him, Miss Kyle." Alfred yelled, pushing the street thief off of Jim. "Ah, Detective Gordon. Glad to see you're awake. Master Bruce, would you get his clothes from the laundry room?"

Bruce went to go get the clothes while Jim sat up. He groaned, "How long as Bruce been living on the streets with Selina Kyle?"

"Oh, I don't know, let me go check my paycheque that – oh wait, I haven't had one for three weeks. Good thing Master Bruce left his credit card."

Jim told Alfred the entire story. Everything about Ed knocking him out and framing him for murder and bombing the train station, and Alfred didn't understand one bit of it. "Ed was right about one thing. I can't go to the cops. I need hard evidence. I need to find Kristen Kringle's body."

Alfred nodded. "And you think he's just going to straight-up tell you?"

Jim nodded, "You're right. We need help – someone Captain Barnes knows will betray me."

Alfred and Jim thought for a long time, and both of them turned to look at Selina at the same time.

Selina was in the middle of eating a bagel when she turned around very slowly, grabbed a guitar from the corner and started singing, "My name is NO, my sign is NO, my number is NO, nah-to-the-ah-to-the NO NO NO!"

"How much money?" Alfred asked.

Selina sighed, "If I wanted your cash, I'd move to jolly ol' England and sell crumpets to the queen. What else you got?"

"Bruce can spend weekends and evenings with you on the streets." Jim said.

"I've been sneaking into his room every night for the last two years and going all Paper Towns on his ass."

Alfred sighed, "I'll throw out all of Master Bruce's clothes and replace them with black leather."

 **AN HOUR LATER...**

"I have information on the whereabouts of Jim Gordon!" Selina yelled, walking into the precinct. "He said he's gone to find Penguin and locate the body!"

"Oh Sh**." Ed gasped, running to go get his shovel.

 **(SHOT OF SKYLINE)**

Deep into the snowy woods outside of Gotham, Ed had located the very spot where he buried Kristen's body before and was digging up the body while talking to himself again and panting. "Hi, Kristen. I bet you didn't expect to see me again, but I'm gonna have to move you."

Then, there was a rustling. Ed pulled out a handgun and aimed it straight at the disturbance, where he found Jim Gordon walking out with his hands up.

"So you _did_ find Penguin!" Ed laughed evilly. "And that little bird sang."

"No." Jim said. "I just followed you."

Ed sighed in realization. "You fed information to the little miscreant! Or no, you were in cahoots!"

"Yes, I was. And it wasn't easy."

 **MEANWHILE, BACK AT WAYNE MANOR...**

"Come on out, Bruce! Let's see you in your new leather – ooh mama, that's hot."

"THIS LEATHER IS CHAFING EVERYTHING!"

 **BACK IN THE WOODS...**

"Bravo, Jim." Ed laughed, the gun still pointed at his enemy. "I'd clap, but I have your gun in my hand."

"Why?" Jim asked. "What made you become this way?"

Ed grinned, "Well, let me tell you my entire evil plan right from the beginning when I killed Kristen Kringle," and then Ed told Jim his entire evil plan like any good supervillain with a complicated plot. "And that's my entire evil plan! Now how about one last riddle for old time's sake? My... last letter is an H and I... make you die and I have... the answer's death, I can't just come up with this on the spot!"

"PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" Yelled Captain Barnes. Suddenly, the woods were filled with a SWAT team with their guns all pointed at Ed. Barnes ran in with a gun straight at Ed's head.

"Captain Barnes!" Ed gasped. "I-I was trying to arrest Jim! I saw him in the woods and-"

"Well why did you have a shovel?"

"I was... shovelling?"

And then Barnes hit Ed on the head with the back of his gun and knocked him out, ready to send him to Arkham Asylum.

Back at the Van Dahl manor, a guy knocked on the door with a glass slipper in hand. It turned out to be a tax collector who stabbed Grace with it, and on her last dying breath, she yelled, "Shut up, Charles!" Ed got sent to Arkham and lived out his dream of pissing off criminals with his riddles. Selina helped Bruce apply the chafe cream, and it turned out okay. Basically, everything turned out happily ever after.

* * *

Jack, Ben, and David were just approaching the B&H Warehouse with baseball bats, ready to save the lives of their cast mates from the evil film companies. Jack took the first step inside and Ben turned on the lights to find the cast of Gotham tied up and locked in cells while an evil madman with his back turned laughed hysterically.

"Show yourself!" Jack yelled. "Who do you think you – what?"

The man in the white suit turned around, revealing the evil grinning face of Gotham showrunner and producer, Bruno Heller!

"You found me, Jack. Good." He said. "Then you know that you need to get out of my studio!"

"We thought you were the DCEU!" David said. "We thought BHDC was the name of this studio and DC comics."

"No, it stands for Danny Cannon and Bruno Heller." Bruno said. "Where the heck did you get that from?"

"Hey, look over there!" Ben said, pointing to something above Bruno's head. Bruno looked away, and Jack and David undid the locks on the cells, allowing the cast to escape. Sean Pertwee and Cory Michael Smith jumped on Bruno, pushing him to the floor while Robin Lord Taylor threw a rock at the evil showrunner.

"Why did you do it?" Jack asked. "Why kidnap my cast?"

"Because they're MY CAST!" Bruno yelled. "You stole them from me and took over the show, and now I have to get them back, even if it means kidnapping!"

Jack laughed. "Come on, cast. Let's go film an episode." And they all walked away while Bruno shook his fist and yelled, "I'll get you, Jack Kerr! If it's the last thing I do!"


	11. Jack v Snyder: Dawn of Subplot

**Okay, I couldn't resist. This is like half-review, half-parody because I really wanted to put a review into the world. I thought about making this a new story, but then I'd lose all the character development I have on Jack (In my mind, Jack is a lot more considerate now about the show) and if I couldn't use Jack, this just wouldn't have been the same. My Transference parody will come out at the same time as the season two DVD release. Another thing – when I write episode parodies, I go online and find the original script for the episode so I can make some parts as accurate as possible. I couldn't find the original script for this movie, so this is purely based off my memory.**

"Mr. J! Mr. J!" Harley yelled, running into Jack's bedroom. She found him on his bed grinning and watching something on his laptop.

"Ha!" Jack laughed. "Oh my gosh, this is our competition? Marvel Studios thinks they're even close to DC's level of awesomeness? We have General Zod destroying an entire city in a vicious fight! We have Batman having his back broken by Bane! We have the Flash speed-punching a giant gorilla! And what does Marvel have?"

Jack turned the laptop around to show Harley the image of a raccoon on a living tree shooting a gun.

Harley sighed, "Jack, honey, are you forgetting about Batman and Robin?"

Jack took a gun out and shot it, barely missing Harley. He scowled, "NEVER mention Batman and Robin."

Harley shrugged. "Anyway, look what I have! DC just made a new movie! It's called Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It's about the epic battle between the Man of Steel and the Dark Knight as the tension involving Superman reaches its peak, but a new threat arises that endangers the entire world that forces Batman and Superman to band together!"

Jack laughed, "Well, what are you waiting for? Put it in the laptop!"

 **TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER...**

Jack and Harley stared at the laptop screen as the end credits rolled up. They both had blank expressions on their face.

"Well..." Harley said. "It's not... bad?"

"But it's not very good either."

"I mean, it's very visually stunning, and some of the performances are great!"

"But some of the major plot points don't make sense and a lot of the buildup is just lost because the plot needs things to happen. Like, I know the movie is already three hours long, but I could watch another fifteen minutes if it meant that Superman and Batman grew logical reasons to hate each other and fight. Instead, Superman is just fighting to save his mom, killing all of the buildup in the conversations where he said Batman was a dangerous criminal. If you were going to have him save his mom, what's the point of having Superman have _any_ opinion on Batman? Batman's motives are done pretty well, mostly due to that first scene in Metropolis, but I don't think the Batman that we know from the comics would have basically tortured Superman for nine minutes when he had the option of just using the spear in the first place. I know it's an adaptation, but if you're going to use the character of Batman, we have to at least be able to liken him to the comic version. I mean, even the Joker gets dealt with without guns, and comparing that Batman that we've known our whole lives with this new Batman that smashed a guy's head with a sink when he had the option of killing him instantly is just uncomfortable."

"Jesse Eisenberg was a good supervillain, but not a good Lex Luthor. I was threatened by him, especially during that scene with the pictures of Martha, but I'd have enjoyed his performance a lot more if they just made him an original villain instead of likening his character to that of Clancy Brown and Gene Hackman. I know he was playing Lex Jr., but giving him a completely different name would have made him a far more compelling character by removing any comparisons to the suave, collected businessman that we're familiar with. Wonder Woman is a scene-stealer, and I even felt like there was more reason for her to be there than Lois. I just wanted more focus on her character. It's freaking Wonder Woman! A third of DC's trinity, the most popular female superhero in the world, and the person who taught little girls that they can be superheroes instead of princesses! Instead, she's treated like an extra, and it doesn't work if you didn't know about her upcoming solo movie. I felt like Superman's death could have been done better too. In most movies, a major character death is used to create conflict in a way nothing else can and drive the rest of the characters in new directions, either darker or more justified. Instead, especially because of the dirt rising at the end and the fact that it happens so soon, it just feels like a plot device to bring the Justice League together. Imagine the anger and conflict and development that could have happened if Superman had died five movies in without immediate hope that he was coming back!"

"But if you're willing to look past the plot holes and conflicting motives, it's a fairly satisfying film to watch and there are a lot of cool scenes that people will love. In my opinion, Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill gave great performances. The older, more jaded Batman that Affleck portrays is going to be right up there with Bale and Keaton in the DC history books, and Cavill portrays the pained, angry Superman in a way that really makes you think. There's a lot of fan service, and if you're a hardcore comic book fan, seeing scenes from the Dark Knight Returns and the Death of Superman come to life will leave you squealing in your seat. In fact, cut out some of the fluff, spend a couple thousand more dollars on some establishing scenes, and this has the potential to be a great movie. I just wish that they'd have considered that half a movie isn't enough time to establish a rivalry that's been brewing over seventy years and thousands of comics."

"Yeah." Harley said.

"I could've written a better script." Jack grinned.

Harley smirked. "Does that mean what I think it means?"

"You know it, baby. Now go and Google Zack Snyder's address!"

 **LATER, AT ZACK SNYDER'S HOUSE...**

Zack Snyder was on the phone, talking to Ben Affleck about the next Justice League movie, and then Jack and Harley burst into the room.

"Hi, Zack! I'm Jack. Our names sound too similar and it's creeping me out, so your name is Randy now." Jack laughed evilly. The boy wearing black sweats with green streaks in his hair sat down on the couch while the blonde girl with pigtails and a red and black skirt jumped onto his lap. "We have some things to discuss."

"How did you get past security?" Zack asked.

Jack laughed, "I have my ways. And laughing gas. My ways and laughing gas."

"And a giant hammer!" Harley beamed. "But I heard you were planning on replacing it with a lame baseball bat, you jerk."

"The video games created the baseball bat, we just thought it would be a more practical-" Zack said.

Jack shook his head. "We can discuss that – and Joker's new tattoos and grill that make him look like a really pale guy trying to get back at his dad – later. Right now, I'd like to show you something I wrote up. A revised script for Batman v Superman!"

* * *

"Stay down!" Superman yelled, as he stared the greatest threat he'd ever faced down. Gotham's Dark Knight was trying to get up after being crashed through a building and thrown onto a rooftop by the Man of Steel. "If I wanted it, you'd be dead already. Now, I'm just going to talk to you while I'm flying up here since you can't hurt me from here and all of this could be avoided by a simple conversation."

Batman stood up, panting, and loaded his gun with a kryptonite gas bomb. He aimed it at Superman with a malicious grin and fired it. Except for some reason, the gas bomb fired backwards right into Batman's face.

"Ow! What the hell, man?!" Batman yelled, rubbing his eyes. "That was too far!"

Superman shrugged. "What do you mean _too far_? You were just about to shoot that at me! Besides, Kryptonite doesn't even hurt you."

"That doesn't mean I enjoy having gas detonated in my face! Do you have any idea how much this stings my nose?!" Batman growled. "How did you tamper with my gun anyway?"

"Well, I had a little help." Superman flew away using super speed and returned a few seconds later carrying Alfred the Butler."

"Alfred?" Batman screamed. "What the f***, man?!"

"I told you this man is not our enemy! Besides, did you think I was just going to let you commit murder?" Alfred asked. Superman flew Alfred back to the Batcave and returned in a few seconds to find Batman still standing there, angrily murmuring under his breath.

Superman sighed, "Can we have a conversation now?"

Batman growled, "Fine."

"Okay. Now Lex Luthor is holding my mother hostage and he's forcing me to fight you or else he's gonna kill her. I need your help to save her. Are you chill now?"

"I don't care about your mother, you're a murderer! I need to kill you before you kill countless other innocent civilians!" Batman yelled, before throwing his Kryptonite gun off the roof, where it fell onto an innocent civilian walking by and cracked his skull.

"Ummm..."

"Yeah, bats are notorious hypocrites. Anyway, get back down here so I can shove this Kryptonite popcorn down your throat."

Superman sighed, "Look, Bruce. Just help me save my mom and I'll... stop committing quote unquote 'crime'."

"Criminals like you will never stop!" Batman yelled, before grabbing his second Kryptonite gun and aiming it at Superman, except this one was also tampered with and fired backwards into Batman's face. "Agh! It happened again! What the actual sh*t, Alfred? We used to be tight!"

"Stop randomly shooting things, then!" Superman scowled.

"I'm not randomly shooting at things! I'm shooting at things that I want to die!"

Superman brought his hand up to his temple and rubbed his super-headache. "Okay, okay fine. You save my mom by yourself, and I'll just fly to Mars or something. She's a little shorter than you with long, grey hair, and her name's Martha, and-"

Suddenly, upon hearing the name Martha, Batman was flooded with emotional flashbacks and was sent to the ground in a fit of angst.

"Umm, Bruce?" Superman asked. "You okay?"

Batman got back up and said, "Okay, we're friends now. Let's go save Martha!"

Meanwhile, one floor beneath the roof where Batman and Superman were talking, a bunch of supervillains were making phone calls to change their mother's names to Martha.

 **(SHOT OF SKY – WAIT... OH. OK THEN... JUST TRANSITION TO THE NEXT SHOT...?)**

Superman flew down to the LexCorp building as fast as he could when he saw the sparks. It was all coming from a research facility. And that facility was holding a Kryptonian ship.

It was Lex Luthor. He was standing at the edge of the balcony looking over the lightning striking the regeneration pod. That pod held the data from hundreds of Kryptonian babies, and now Lex Luthor's DNA was in it too.

Superman landed next to Lex. "What did you do?"

Lex grinned proudly, not looking back. "I've created the ultimate Kryptonian devil. Ancient Kryptonian deformity – and a drop of my blood – born to destroy you! Your Doomsda-"

"WHY SO SERIOUS?!" The Joker laughed, pushing Luthor to the side and throwing his head back to laugh. Yes, at some point, the Joker came in.

Superman stared weirdly. "Wait, why is he here?"

Joker shrugged. "Well, this guy is basically me anyway, so why not just put me in the movie?"

Lex gasped, "I am much different than you!"

"Yeah, tell yourself that when you're being interrogated by Batman from a jail cell or giving the hero a choice between two human lives, forcing him to choose one and the other will burst into flames. Did you enjoy blowing up a building while dressed as an upstanding member of society? Because I did." Joker sneered.

"..." Lex said.

Joker laughed, "Anyway, meet the ultimate Kryptonian devil! Your Doomsda – what the f*** is that thing?"

Superman sighed, "You know, if we're going to break the fourth wall, there's no reason you can't swear in this story."

"Rule number one of creative writing, Superman – language has to match the content." Joker said, before turning to Lex. "Now... would you mind telling us what the f*** that thing is?"

Lex looked down at his creation. "It's Doomsday!"

"No, it's the love child of Abomination, Indominus Rex, and a cave troll!" Joker said. "I could create a scarier monster with duct tape and cardboard! Look, I'm tired. I did a lot of Deadpool-ing today. Superman, just get killed by this thing so I can go home."

Doomsday roared and reared its fist, ready to strike when Superman flew up and caught it in midair. The monster roared, grabbed Superman's arm, and threw him through the wall of the laboratory, sending him flying into the city.

Meanwhile, Batman was texting Wonder Woman.

Batman: "Hey LOL"

Wonder Woman: "Who is this?"

Batman: "I went online n guess what I got LOL ;) "

Wonder Woman: "Wut?"

Batman: " _Batman sent a file_ LOL HMU _"_

Wonder Woman: "OMG delete those rn"

Batman: "Y do all ppl in movies text like drunk teens?"

Then, Batman looked up and saw Superman being thrown overhead and landed right next to him. Batman sighed and said, "When are you _not_ getting your ass kicked?" He helped Superman get up and went back to texting Wonder Woman.

Batman: "Can U come over? There's a cave troll that's wrecking stuff."

Wonder Woman: "OK B rite there"

In a few seconds, Wonder Woman flew down and landed between Batman and Superman, fully dressed in battle armour ready to fight. Superman stood up, his eyes flickering with energy.

Batman put down his phone, sighed and said, "Okay, now what are we dealing with here, because whatever it is, I'm gonna kick its ass. I've fought freaks dressed like clowns, freaks dressed like birds, freaks dressed like scarecrows, I've fought freaks dressed like a lot of things. I have experience here, so whatever we're facing, no matter how big or tough it is, I am going to kick it's-"

Then, Doomsday crashed through the buildings like they were made of paper and landed on the ground with a huge roar.

Batman nodded, staring at the monster. He then very sarcastically said, "Oh no, I'm having another dream sequence. Argh, the memories are flooding back, it's so painful, I have to sit out. I'm going over there, I'll be right back."

Wonder Woman shrugged and turned to Superman. "I suppose it's just you and me."

Superman looked up. "Wait... I hear Lois. She's in trouble!" Superman flew up and away back towards Gotham city to go save Lois, leaving Wonder Woman by herself to fight Doomsday.

She sighed, "Of course." And then lunged towards the monster.

 **TWO MINUTES LATER...**

"I've got the spea – what happened?" Superman asked, flying back in with the Kryptonite spear to find Wonder Woman lying on the ground just about to pass out.

Wonder Woman growled, "You left me here to fight Doomsday alone, you moron. What did you think happened?!"

Superman gasped, "Well why didn't Batman help you?!"

"He did."

 **THIRTY SECONDS AGO...**

"Batman, help me!" Wonder Woman yelled, holding Doomsday still with the lasso of truth which cannot be broken.

Batman grinned and held up his Kryptonite gun to shoot a gas bomb at Doomsday. "Don't worry, Wonder Woman, Batman's got this!" He shot the bomb at Doomsday. All that happened was Doomsday roared angrily and shook it off.

Batman's eyes widened in shock, and he said, "Well, that's my contribution to this."

Wonder Woman sighed, "Why don't you try-"

"Oh no! It's another dream sequence! Argh, I'm in so much pain, the memories are flooding back, Ah! I'll be sitting over there."

 **THIRTY SECONDS AFTER THAT...**

Superman sighed, "Yeah, that does sound like something he would do. Anyway, I got this spear made of Kryptonite that'll be able to kill it. I'll go stab him with this."

"Umm... you sure you don't want to let me do it?" Wonder Woman asked. "I mean, that Kryptonite could kill you."

"But..." Superman said. "Fine."

Wonder Woman then grabbed the spear, flew over to Doomsday and then jammed it in his chest. Doomsday tried stabbing her back, but she grabbed its arm and jammed it back into his eye. When Doomsday died, Wonder Woman proudly stood back next to Superman.

Batman came back with his hand up for a high-five and cheered, "Yeah! We did it, guys! The three of us took down Doomsday! Let's go, teamwork! Come on guys, don't leave me hanging!"

* * *

Zack Snyder put down the revised script and took some Tylenol for his headache.

Jack grinned, "Eh? Is that not the greatest revision ever?"

Zack sighed, "Okay, listen kid. Frankly, I'm not sure how you got through security, but I can't change anything. A part of that is the fact that the film's already out. And two, I'm not really in charge of this film. My name was only put on there as a distraction so people wouldn't blame the person really in charge of this film."

Harley frowned, "And who's that?"

"Well, if it isn't my old nemesis, Jack Kerr." said the dark figure coming out of the closet. The voice could only mean one thing. As the shadow stepped out into the light, it revealed the dastardly figure of...

"Bruno Heller?!" Jack and Harley gasped.

An evil grin spread on Bruno's face. "That's right, Jack. And that's not the only thing I did. Check the end credits of the movie."

Jack played the end of Batman V Superman and waited until the end credits appeared. Then, he noticed it. Credited as the screenwriter of the movie was... Jack Kerr!

"You fiend!" Jack yelled. "You credited me as the writer of this terrible film! Why?!"

Bruno laughed, "So that you'd be so ashamed of it, you'd go into hiding and never write another script again! That'll teach you to steal my cast! Gotham will be mine again! And I won't stop there. I'll credit you for EVERY box office disappointment until you back off! Fan-four-stic? Written by Jack Kerr! Alice Through the Looking Glass? Written by Jack Kerr! That god-awful Jem and the Holograms movie? Written, cast, and directed by Jack Kerr! I will turn your name into box-office diarrhea! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"

"I'm going to stop you!" Jack growled. "The Gotham TV show is mine and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"There's a Gotham TV show?" Zack Snyder asked, making Jack, Harley, and Bruno turn their heads to look at him very slowly.

"You didn't know there was a Gotham TV show?" Harley asked.

"Starring the likes of Ben McKenzie, Robin Lord Taylor, David Mazouz, and Michael Chiklis?" Bruno asked.

"Focusing on an area of the Batman mythos that's never been seen before – the origins of the larger-than-life superheroes and supervillains, showing how much or how little it takes to set ordinary people like you and me on a journey to becoming the out-of-this-world masterminds, brawlers, and vigilantes that we've grown up with?" Jack asked.

Zack scoffed. "Origin stories are boring. I mean, who wants to watch a Batman show that doesn't even have Batman in it?"

Zack Snyder was then tossed out of a window.

Bruno turned back to Jack. "Now it's time to settle our business once and for all! Will you give me back my TV show?"

Jack laughed, "Nice try, Bruno, but your little plan has one, fatal flaw. No one watches the end credits!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bruno yelled. "My evil plan has been ruined by the comically short attention span of movie-goers! I'll get you for this Jack!"

Jack grinned, "Harley?"

Harley brought out her giant hammer and smacked Bruno in the face, sending him tumbling out of a window.

Jack nodded. "Come on, Harley. Let's go put some noir filters on Marvel movies."

 **Bruno Heller and Zack Snyder, if you're reading this – no offense. I know you're** ** _probably_** **not supervillains and you probably don't talk like that, but something about producers and directors make them such good villains. Transference parody is next, and then look out for my next story, Gotham Season Three (Revised Script)!**


End file.
